When Loss Feels Familiar, Hope is My Banner

After my most recent post this past Summer, I thought and hoped I would never have to write about miscarriage again.  Breakthrough was next.  I believed it.  Yet, here I sit writing again on a topic that I’ve written on before and hoping in faith again that this will be the last time.  In walking through this kind of loss several times now I’ve learned it’s best, for me, not to try to hide it just because it’s a topic many people don’t understand or feel comfortable talking about. For some strange reason, fertility struggles are still a fairly hush-hush topic.  I personally just don’t think that’s right.  How can you shine light on something that people feel like they have to hide?  In being open about my journey and what Father has taught me in it, I’ve connected with so many amazing women who are walking this same road.  We've encouraged each other to keep our eyes on Jesus and believe for our miracles.  I've also been encouraged by amazing people who have never experienced this kind of pain, but who realize pain is pain.  Most people who are hurting aren’t asking you to understand their pain as much as they are asking you to simply see them and show them the love of Jesus (whether they know to call it that or not).  That desire is universal in any type of pain.  We don’t have to understand by experience exactly what each other’s struggle feels like to know it’s hard.  Pain may be pain, but Jesus is also JESUS.  He is the answer to overcoming and healing from every pain regardless of source or type.  He is peace, He is faithful, He is hope, He restores places long devastated by disappointment (Is 61).

So let me start by backing up a little bit.  Over the Summer, we felt led to pause on intentionally focusing on growing our family for a while and settle into having a season of rest.  If we conceived during that time, fantastic, but if not, that was ok too.  Rest was our priority.  It was the best decision for my heart.  We went through the Summer and I re-centered myself in rest and abiding in hope.  Hope is courageous when you've faced repeated disappointments in any area of life.  It is a deliberate choice that often feels opposite to what the world would tell us to feel based on the past but it is a powerful tool that believers are called to arm themselves with (for more on that specifically, I’d love for you to visit this post: Hope: a weapon in the desert).

Now, let’s fast forward to this past October.  We found out we were pregnant again ☺ We were believing this was our miracle baby that would come into this world and release their destiny here.  We were claiming every promise that had been spoken over us as parents and over our children would begin to be made manifest starting now.  Faith was our anchor.  “Faith is the substance of things hoped for.  The certainty of things not yet seen.”  (Heb 11:1)  The enemy wanted to tell me that this pregnancy would end up like the ones in the past.  He tried to tell me not to get my hopes up and to stay guarded.  He tried to make me fearful that any time I wasn’t “feeling” pregnant that something had happened to the baby.  My pregnancy journey was about walking in hope and denying the enemy's voice a place of influence in my heart.  I chose hope.  I chose joy.  I chose celebration of this life.  My mama heart already loved this little one and they deserved to be celebrated regardless of how long I would have them with me.

I walked through 9 weeks of pregnancy feeling very pregnant and rejoicing over those symptoms.  I’ve never been so thankful for nausea, fatigue, and lack of appetite in my life!  I took every symptom as a gift of confirmation (…Except the mood swings.  Geeze, I felt like a certifiable crazy lady some days).  Being under the care of a fertility doctor, as soon as you see a positive pregnancy test, they have you come in and begin testing to ensure your body is doing all the things it is supposed to do to properly support your pregnancy.  I tested perfectly.  Praise!  We journeyed through the next several weeks and waited for the appointment where they would conduct our first ultrasound.  That day came and was such a happy day.  In a matter of seconds viewing the ultrasound, our doctor grinned,  “I see a heart beat”.  When I heard the sound of that beating heart it was one of the most powerful, beautiful rhythms I’ve ever heard.  Tears flowed.  He told us that it was an excellent heartbeat and that every thing looked as healthy as it could right now.  He also reminded us that he can’t predict the future so he wanted us back for one more ultrasound in a week before we transitioned to regular OB care.

Six days later we were headed back to hear that heart beat again.  They turned on the screen and immediately we could see that the baby had grown, but something was different this week.  Something was missing.  Where was that beautiful beat we’d heard last week?  The doctor didn’t see that flutter of life on the screen where the baby’s heart was.  We realized then, that sometime in the last 6 days the heartbeat had stopped.  We were truly stunned.  There were sincere condolences and heartfelt empathy in that room as we started to take in what we’d just been told.  My doctor is the truly the most amazing doctor we could have ever hoped for in this journey.  He is professional, but full of empathy, extremely knowledgeable, kind and gifted at what he does.  He immediately asked me if we would like to schedule surgery because he knew that my body has never registered my miscarriages.  I told him we wanted to do another ultrasound to confirm the news and he gladly agreed.  I told him if what we saw today didn’t change then we could do the surgery.  He moved his surgery schedule around the very next day, adding me to the end of his day in the OR so that I didn’t have to wait if the ultrasound didn’t show change.  He scheduled those appointments with me and we had a 20 hour waiting period until next steps would be taken.

The rest of that day was a blur.  There was so much Zach & I were processing and taking in.  One thing we knew we were doing was believing and interceding for a miracle of life.  The next morning, I got up and readied myself to leave in a few hours for the confirmation ultrasound.  Zach and I both chose to prepare by spending the morning worshiping King Jesus and rooting our hearts in His faithfulness.  We had been here before.  We were familiar with this “in between” where we’d heard the word of man tell us life had ceased, but we were making room for a miracle, believing and declaring once again that our God reigns over all death and He is the giver of life and life abundant.  He is a miracle working God, but so often His people treat miracles like the exception instead of the expectation.  Zach and I believe He calls us higher.  We believe Jesus meant what He said when he called us to pray "...Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."  He calls us to pray in line with the Fathers heart and will and, by faith, to believe for the miraculous to be normal.  We will press in and contend for that until we see it.  Its how Jesus lived. We rose up in our spirits and we interceded for this baby’s life with every bit of faith we had.  I got up and immediately began to declare the Word over myself, starting with Psalm 103:

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

When we command our souls to praise, we are taking charge over our soul (our thoughts, and emotions) through our spirit.  That is how we were created to live – led by our spirit, not our souls.  Our spirits are one with the spirit of Jesus, so when we command our soul to submit to our spirit which is submitted to His Holy Spirit, we live in right order.  We command our soul to step out of any feelings from the enemy or from the flesh and step into praise because worship is a both a weapon and a shield.  It is both offensive and defensive.  I LOVE that Father designed worship that way!  He is so good.  Worship shields us from being influenced by the lies of the enemy, and it is a weapon that rids our hearts of worry or fear and replaces them with peace.  The more we worship Jesus, the more our eyes are taken off our circumstance and put on Him and His goodness.  The enemy’s voice is silenced with every word of worship that we declare.  The Holy Spirit took me through the most beautiful path of scriptures and songs to sing that morning.  He led me through Isaiah 54, Psalm 126 and singing of God’s goodness and faithfulness.  I felt my spirit soaring as we got in the car to go to the ultrasound.  I believed with all my heart for my miracle, but I also reminded myself that my hope was ultimately Jesus regardless of what we saw in that ultrasound.  That is the place of firm foundation.  He is the place of unwavering hope.

A very special sweatshirt was my wardrobe selection for that day.  I’d ordered it several weeks ago, before we even knew we were pregnant.  It was a sweatshirt that read “HOPE VIBES” from a ministry called ‘The Garden’ (an encouragement group for women walking through seasons of physical barrenness who are believing for miracles in their lives.  If you’d like to learn about it, message me!).  It had arrived literally two days before all this happened and I knew it had come right in time for me to wear on this day.  I put on my Hope Vibes sweatshirt and wore it right into the ultrasound room as a banner over me, praying for a miracle to be seen on that screen; believing to hear a heartbeat again and that I wouldn’t be going to surgery.

This is the part that no one loves to hear, but it’s how this part of our story goes.  In the ultrasound, it showed the same thing as the day prior.  There was still no heartbeat.  Now came our moment to choose what we would believe and feel next.  We felt sadness and grief, but with out hesitation we chose to lean into trust and the peace of Jesus.  We didn’t see the miracle we’d hoped for.  Zach and I were heartbroken but not shaken. The enemy wanted to tell me to be embarrassed for wearing my “Hope” sweatshirt now.  I told him to take that to hell.  That outcome didn’t change my hope.  My Hope wasn’t just for a miracle in my belly, it was rooted in Jesus. When the miracle didn’t come, Jesus remained and He is my hope.

I left that appointment and immediately went to check in to pre-op.  We felt the nearness of Jesus all over us that day even through surgery.  His tangible pleasure washed over us.  We’d chosen to look loss in the face again and choose, by faith, to believe a good Father for a miracle. When the miracle didn’t come, it didn’t change our belief that our Father was good.  Our circumstances don’t dictate who He is. Who he is dictates how we can walk above our circumstances.  He gives us the ability to walk above all that the enemy throws at us by abiding in Him. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel disappointment, heartache, grief or loss.  Suffering is part of life in a world where sin exists.  That’s not a popular statement in some circles these days but he tells us in scripture “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-4).  We should always believe for miracles.  We should always live to release the kingdom of heaven in all we do, but we shouldn’t act entitled to a life free of struggle.  Struggle is often where we learn what it is be rooted in truth and faith.  If Jesus himself wasn’t spared from suffering, but brought men’s sanctification through his suffering and sacrifice, how much more are we to learn from Him?  We are called to be like Him, and that includes looking like Him in how we walk through struggles.  Its easy to cry out for deliverance from struggles but what if we learn to shift our desire and cry out to look like Him in them?  It doesn’t mean we settle for expecting less than the miraculous, it just means we learn to live with our highest priority being to look like Jesus in all things. Sometimes that looks like miracles, and sometimes that looks like enduring suffering with His heart to bring glory to the Father no matter the cost.

I do want to be clear on this: I, personally, do not believe Father took our baby.  He is the Father of light and the giver of life – that’s what He does.  Regardless of the reason for miscarriage, He is mighty to save and could have healed anything that needed healing in order to sustain life.  The enemy is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  We can't fall for the enemy's trick of getting us to contribute something to God that was actually a work of the enemy just to make ourselves feel some sense that Gods hand was in it.  I also know that Jesus is all powerful and sovereign.  He could have easily brought that miracle.  I don't have an answer as to why He didn't but I trust Him.  We can't allow what we don't understand to change what we know to be true about our loving Father.  I can’t let myself get stuck walking in circles around all the “why’s” that my flesh is tempted to dwell on.  It is so "human" to want to attain understanding of things that happen to or around us, but he tells us to lean not on our own understanding.  I'm not saying we should never ask "why".  It is so good to be honest with Father and ask Him our questions.  He is never offended by our questions or desire for understanding.  In fact, some of the deepest revelations will come on the other side of brave questions. We just can't fixate more on gaining understanding that we do on trusting Him.   If I press in to ask “why” and He doesn’t share the answer, then my next act of obedience is to trust Him and let that be enough.  He promises that “He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose.” Rom 8:28.  It doesn’t say He is the cause of everything that happens to us.  It says He can take all things, even the things intended for harm, and work them for our good.  That is the redeeming nature and power of our God.  We are not victims, we are over comers in all things.  That is the hope He brings and I will cling to that hope with every fiber of my being.  I have that hope as an anchor to my soul.  I want to walk as a hope-warrior, resilient in all circumstances because Jesus has given me the ability to overcome all things in Him.

I want to encourage anyone else who is going through heartache, loss or grief: you can grieve and still walk in confident hope at the same time. Grief is good, and it doesn't mean despair.  Grief and hope can co-habitate.  That happens by being open with the Father about your pain while making Jesus your ultimate Hope.  It can take tremendous courage to choose hope in the middle of disappointment but God sees you and calls you "courageous one".  It doesn’t mean you won’t feel tempted to believe the enemy's lies of hopelessness if you face repeated disappointment.  It means you take those thoughts captive and make a habit of asking Jesus what His truth says about those thoughts or lies you’re hearing.  It takes intentional co-laboring with Him to renew our minds.  Our Jesus is ever-faithful and He is worthy of our hope even when it feels like a challenge.  My heart longs to hold all three of my babies that I’ve lost, but I have full confidence that my Heavenly Father is still only beginning our story and He is going to redeem all that’s been lost in ways I can’t even imagine.  He is a redeemer of stolen things and He returns with abundance!  I’m praying for all the mamas-in-the-waiting and others of you waiting on any desires of your heart to be fulfilled.  He is faithful and we can walk as hope-warriors with confident expectation of His goodness to be seen.  I sing the song linked below often, and I welcome you to sing it with me.  What ever you're hoping or contending for, let it be your declaration.  Rise up, courageous one.  Breathe deep and rest your heart in the one who is Hope.

Confident - Steffany Gretzinger

"I'm confident your faithfulness will see me through.  My soul can rest.  My righteousness is found in you.  With every moment left, with every borrowed breath, let this be true:  that all my heart for all my life belongs to you."

Thriving in Fire

Hi friends! I’ve been wanting to write over the last few months but just couldn’t quite craft the words until recently. I could feel my heart going through some refining and sometimes when you’re right in the middle of it, you don’t have eyes to fully see what Father is doing or why it feels the way it does, you just know you feel the holy tension that comes with it.  He always reminds me that the important thing in refining is not that we understand the “why” or even the “what are you doing?” behind it, but that we yield to it trusting that every purpose Father intended it for will be accomplished as we submit to it. He is good and everything He does in our heart is for our benefit and to become more like Him.

Jumping right in – many of you know that part of my and Zach’s story over the last few years has been our journey to growing our family. You can read lots more about it with my posts from 2016. I've found fertility struggles to be very different kind of challenge.  Most hard things I’ve been through in my life have either been a result of a choice I made or they have been things that I’ve had some sort of ability to resolve and control progress through. This is different.  "Unexplained Infertility" is what the docs call it.  Its not fun, but Father has taught me to learn to rest in full surrender, even in my desire to become a mother.  He's taught me not to struggle with surrendering that part of my heart to Him but to rest in surrendering it because He's trustworthy.  My heart hasn’t given up; giving up stems from defeat.  Surrender willingly lets go of control out of trust and intimacy with the one being surrendered to.  I still long for for children, but I’m in joy & peace in the waiting.  He's brought me to deeper, more established places of hope, trust and intimacy with Him than I ever thought something this difficult could lead to. Its beautiful how He set the kingdom up that way – the things that would bring hopelessness apart from Him can become catalysts to intimacy and deeper faith as we walk through them inside of Him.  Treasures have come from this season but they’ve usually been uncovered on the other side of tension and allowing Him to renew my perspective.

The 2018 year rolled around and it had been a little over a year since our first miscarriage (You can read about that in this post). In the following months of 2017 after that loss, we stood in faith, prayed, declared, believed and hoped to conceive again every month. Jesus shepherded my heart through that year so beautifully. He led me to value finding Him in the desert above getting out of the desert. He is the treasure in the desert and I can always find Him deeply there. Fast forward to this past January-we found out we were pregnant again and we were thrilled. I rallied my heart and declared that the outcome from the past would not give fear a voice in our present miracle. We can’t give fear a foothold because if it get's an inch, it will try to take a mile. We keep the door to fear firmly closed by renewing our minds to the truth that “There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear.” (1 John 4:18)  The two can't reside together.  If I’m to walk in the fullness of love, I can’t listen to any voice of fear.  I stayed rooted in thankfulness daily and declared life and destiny over this little one that was being formed in me.  Since we’d conceived with medical help this time, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was going in for appointments two, sometimes three, days a week for blood work, ultrasounds and #allthethings that fertility medicine comes with.  A few weeks later our doctor told us that sadly, the pregnancy didn’t look viable.  He wanted to bring me back in once more in a week to see if any fetal growth had occurred.  My initial response to that news was heartbreak.  Fear & cynicism came knocking, trying to tell my heart “I had a feeling this was going to happen again. You shouldn’t have let yourself get excited.” I accepted the news and went straight into grief.  I didn’t stop to contend for a miracle like we’d done in the first miscarriage. This place felt familiar, and I allowed what I heard in the natural and the outcome of the past to tell me that this situation’s outcome was the same.

Two days went by and the miscarriage confirmation appointment was still 4 days away. On Sunday morning during worship, I knelt on the church floor, tears flowing, asking Jesus to shepherd me through this hurt…again. He was faithful the first time, and I knew He would lead me again. Suddenly, a voice boomed into my spirit and I heard Him say to me:

“Put off your grief and believe for a miracle.”

I was stunned. I hadn’t even paused after that last appointment to ask if He was calling me to this again. Honestly, it felt like a huge risk. “What if I do this again and the outcome is the same as the first time?” Choosing faith in the face of what circumstances shout pushes takes courage and it pushes our roots more deeply into Jesus.  We are sons and daughters of God, and the Spirit of God leads us to have the mind of Christ (Romans 8:14 & 1 Corinthians 2:16). The mind of Christ is established in perfect faith and that is what He was calling me higher into.  I couldn’t deny what I heard Him say, and one of my life’s core values is “Yes to Jesus at any cost.” He will always have my “yes”, and in this situation, that “yes” felt like laying my heart and my womb out on the floor in vulnerability and faith.  Jesus is worthy and trustworthy.  I stood up from the floor and declared “Father I’m asking for a miracle.  I speak life over this pregnancy in Jesus name…” The next song the worship team moved in to that morning after Father asked me to believe for a miracle was the exact song I’d sung aloud in my bathroom over a year ago, the morning we were going to have our first miscarriage confirmed. The song was "Miracles” by Jesus Culture. It says this:

“The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins…

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles”

It was a kiss from Father reminding me He was with me in this, He saw my heart, He knew where I’d been and He knew where He was taking me. So I shifted my heart, and I stood in faith. Let there be life.

Over the next few days I felt a swelling of faith in my heart that felt supernatural. I soared above the level of faith I had previously and I was 100% confident that we were walking in the midst of a miracle. There was going to be life when I went back to that doctor’s office. It didn’t feel like hope, it had moved beyond that to fullness of faith – it was good as done in my heart. We’d let a few close friends know and they pressed in and prayed with us, believing for life. I arrived back at the doctor’s office, 6 days after we’d received the initial news, and I prayed on the way in “Jesus, I love you. I trust you. You are good. You are my Great Physician. You are my confidence and joy, no matter what the outcome of this appointment is.”

I went into the waiting room and was escorted back for the ultrasound. I stared at the ultrasound screen for what felt like ages. They measured, probed, searched and finally said definitively: there was no growth and the pregnancy was "not viable". My heart sank and pounded all at once. I could feel sadness attempting to crash in, but something was different. It didn’t feel like the wind had been knocked out of me like the first time. There was heartache, but in the middle of the sadness I felt a confident peace that was anchoring me.  I felt this tremendous sense of how proud Father was of my obedience to vulnerably choose to believe for that miracle no matter what– it was enough to undo me. I tangibly felt His pleasure pouring over me because I had given Him my “yes” when He called me to faith when it felt like huge risk. That faith was rooted completely in who He is, not any of what I saw.

Over the following few months, Jesus proved again what a truely Great Shepherd He is.  He knows exactly how to lead us through grief in a healthy way that doesn’t leave us stuck in it or coming out with scars.  I kept my hand on Jesus and my ears open to His voice and He led me when I couldn’t see where to step. There were several times in the process where I felt angry and confused. Why did He call me to put off my grief and believe for a miracle when He knew what the outcome was? That felt cruel. Why couldn’t he have just let me begin to grieve the fist time we received the news if the outcome wasn’t going to change? What was the point?  I asked lots of questions, but answers weren’t what I truly needed.  Answers & understanding are often what I grasp for when I want to feel some sense of control. He reminded me on those days where I wanted to have understanding to widen my lens and see beyond just the natural circumstance.  In the natural, I did miscarry again, but the miraculous was evidenced in my spirit and heart: unshakeable and unwavering faith in who my Father is to me when my heart was most vulnerable and the circumstances around me shouted He hadn’t come through. When I zoomed out and stopped only viewing my circumstance through the lens of the breakthrough I wanted, I saw that breakthrough HAD happened. When I took down the lens of desiring a child and put on the lens of desiring Christ to be made manifest in me, I could see the breakthrough and it was beautiful.

I share this because I know some of you are going through your own hard seaons of believing for breakthrough and waiting.  I want to encourage all of us in those seasons that we can walk into those fires and come out more like Jesus. That is our inheritance!  We are over-comers, never victims. Fires don’t destroy us, they refine us into more of the image of Jesus. Look at Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego. Their story is a beautiful example of what going through trials should look like for us. We’re never promised a life free from fire, in fact trials are a guarantee. Our promise is that we can go through those fires and come out with out even the smell of smoke. (Daniel 3:16-30) As they were being escorted right into the furnace, they declared “Our God is able to save us and we believe He will, but even if He doesn’t, we still worship Him.” (Madison paraphrase). When we see a trial approaching, no matter how many times we've seen it before, this is the posture we’re called to have our hearts in – our faith in Jesus is never determined by the outcome of a circumstance. They marched forward, and the Lord did not deliver them from the fire. They were thrown right into the belly of the blazing furnace and that is where they encountered their miracle. The Lord himself met them in the fire. He came into the trial with them and He walked with them in it. His presence enabled them to thrive in the fire. They didn’t get to skip the furnace, but He brought them through it untouched by flames. When they came out, their clothes weren’t burned and not one hair on their heads was singed. That is our testimony to the world. We walk through fires with Jesus, and we can come out with no sign of flames. That is a bigger testimony to the goodness & power of Jesus than if we’d just skipped the fire in the first place. When the world sees the goodness of Jesus in the fire, they can respond the way Nebuchadnezzar did: “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego…” We can thrive in the fire because we find Him there and His presence transforms us in it. We emerge from what the world would say is unbearable not even smelling like smoke (bitterness, anger, cynicism, walls up, guarded hearts, etc) because we have taken on the fragrance of Christ. We allow the flames to push us into more of Him. That is good news, friends, and it is your reality in The Kingdom. For those of us in the middle of fires, you are seen and not abandoned. He is walking with you. Invite Jesus to meet you there not for the sake of only natural breakthrough but for the sake of bearing His image. That is what laying down our lives looks like. Adjust your lens to see the miracle He is doing beyond the breakthrough you’re longing for. Keep believing and longing for the it, but don’t miss the treasure of His presence in the process. The presence is what makes us more like Him, and that is our greatest breakthrough. You are a living testimony to the world as you walk through your fire and are not burned to death but are burned to life! I’m praying for all of us to be taken even higher into this perspective and that our minds are continually renewed to walk with Jesus in the flames. Love you guys. “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.”

IAW Post 3: 7 Reasons to take heart

I missed my post for national infertility awareness week yesterday - Wednesdays are long days for us because we go straight from work to leading youth group in the evenings. I was pooped when we got home yesterday so I’m combining day 3 and 4 into one post today. Instead of just doubling up with two things that have brought me encouragement and hope in my journey through a barren season, I’m going to share SEVEN. Yep, that’s right. I’ve got seven testimonies that have been a huge source of encouragement to me in the last two years. If you aren’t familiar with them, I hope they encourage you to keep pressing in for your breakthrough.

Last Summer the Lord told me to study the barren women in scripture and to take heart from their journeys. He always invites us into immeasurably more than we could expect but I had no idea what I was about to find. As I dove into scripture I began to find woman after woman who had lived in barrenness and received not only breakthrough, but breakthroughs that made history. There are seven women named in scripture who were barren and who cried out to the Lord. He heard every one of their cries and He answered them. Their names are Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth and two more who were unnamed. Do you recognize them? Maybe you’ll recognize them with their miracle baby’s names:

1. Sarah was the wife of Abraham, they birthed Isaac (Genesis 11:30)
2. Rebekah was the wife of Isaac, they birthed Jacob (Genesis 25:21, Judges 13:3)
3. Rachel was the wife of Jacob, they birthed Joseph (Gen 30:22)
4. Hannah was the wife of Elkanah, they birthed Samuel the prophet (1 Samuel 1 and 2)
5. Elizabeth was the wife of Zechariah, they birthed John the Baptist (Luke 1:17)
6. Sampson’s mother birthed him out of barrenness (Judges 13:2)
7. The Shunamite woman who Elisha prayed over birthed a miracle son (2 Kings 4:16-17)

Just pause and look at that list again. The forefathers of our faith were birthed from barren mamas who didn’t give up in their pursuit of a miracle and they received breakthrough! Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, then Samuel, Sampson, and John the Baptist were all sons of women who have walked the journey of barrenness that many of us are walking now. Each of these women were grieved by their barrenness and they cried out to God for His touch and didn’t give up. I don’t know why some breakthroughs come faster than others, but we can’t loose heart in the waiting. You have a child with a destiny that is coming to you- whether by natural conception or adoption. Don’t let your heart give up. Be encouraged by these women and the mighty men they birthed. World changers come from barren seasons – scripture shows it.

The Lord is no respecter of persons. What He will do for one, He will do for you. The word testimony literally means “do it again”. When we read the stories of these women in scripture and receive them as testimonies for our hearts to grab hold of and be encouraged by, we are literally saying “DO IT AGAIN” to the Lord…and He will. He is drawn to that faith! Declare truth over your heart and know He hears you.

“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!” – Psalm 113:9

Praise Him in the waiting. Prepare the way for your breakthrough by keeping your heart rooted in the truth: He has not forgotten you, He loves you tremendously, and He is El Hanne’eman – The Faithful God. I’m praying for all of our hearts as we wait for our miracle babies. An army of world changers is coming from our wombs. Believe that, take heart, and let His presence sustain you in your waiting.

IAW Post 2: My Favorite Album

For anyone that missed my post yesterday, this week is National Infertility Awareness week. I want to send some extra love and encouragement to my sisters walking this road with me so I’m posting one thing each day that has brought me hope and encouragement in my time of waiting to become “mama”. Today, I’m sharing this album. It has been my consistent go-to playlist for the last two years when my heart has felt heavy and I needed a reminder that it’s ok to be in process as long as I take it to the Father. It is raw, it is full of truth and Jesus has used it to soothe my heart on many hard days ❤️ I hope it blesses you as much as it does me!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-undoing/910383995

IAW Post 1: “Sing Oh Barren Woman”

Today is the first day of National Infertility Awareness week and this is an awareness week that is very real to my heart. In honor of this week and all the women who are walking this journey with me, I’m posting several things this week that have brought me hope and kept me planted in the truth in my journey through a season of barrenness. With out Jesus and the hope He brings, I would have lost heart long ago.

This month, April 2018, marks two years I’ve been waiting to become a mama. Zach and I have two babies in heaven who we wish we could hold in our arms but when we will forever hold in our hearts. There are so many things I could say to describe what this journey is like to people who have never been here but I don’t want to use this as an opportunity to be understood. I want to use it as an opportunity to be understanding of those who are already here. You are not alone and there IS HOPE. His name is Jesus.

Some people might say it’s not an appropriate topic to share publicly about, but I say if even ONE sister of mine can be encouraged in her journey through infertility by what Jesus has taught me in mine, I’ll share anything and everything with out hesitation. We are here for community. We’re not here to journey alone. This can be one of the loneliest journeys - it is so silent. No one can see the reality of it except your spouse, your doctors and Jesus. It takes great courage to know you have a chance every month for breakthrough and when it doesn’t come, to keep your hope up for next time, believing it will happen. Hope is courageous - that has been one of my biggest lessons. (You can read more on that in my previous post “Hope: a weapon in the desert”) After the 10th, 18th, 23rd times breakthrough doesn’t happen, we can still be as confident it will come as the first time we expected it because of Jesus.

He gives us this promise: “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated...For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:1-5

So sing sisters! Sing over your barrenness! Our breakthrough is coming. Prepare and enlarge the tent curtains of your heart. Don’t hold back your confidence! Lengthen the chords of your hope and strengthen the stakes of your faith. You’ll need it to hold the magnitude of your breakthrough. You will spread out in every direction. Your children will dispossess nations of the enemy. They will take back the territory he had occupied and settle The Kingdom in it. They will change the world. Do not fear the future. You have a husband who fights for you and will not let you be put to shame. Cling to Him in the waiting and let Him be your hope and joy. I’m singing with you.

A Divine Trade: stepping out of disappointment

This past weekend my heart had another opportunity to make a decision in the face of disappointment and Father so faithfully helped me rise above it.  I want to encourage any of you who may be feeling disappointment that you too, can  rise above it.  It doesn’t have to hold you back from joy & hope.  I made the decision this past weekend to take another pregnancy test. I’m pretty used to the drill now and often I just by pass the test completely and wait.  Sometimes its easier not to have to stare a “Not pregnant” in the face. I took a test this time because we were again, believing this was our month.

I took the test and started to put on my make up while I waited for the result.  I was pressing into Jesus and making sure my heart was centered on him before seeing any result.  I was telling Him good morning, centering my heart around His love and thanking Him for His plan for our family, regardless of what this test said.  As I looked over to read the result, it only took a split second to know what it was telling me.  There were two lines of words, not one.

Not
Pregnant

With out even deciphering the words, I knew that two lines of letters meant “not this time”.  I’ve heard that in some form or another 19 times now.  Father has brought my heart so far in this journey: I don’t fall apart anymore.  I don’t doubt my Father's heart towards me.   I don't wonder if He's making me wait because something is wrong with my heart.  I don’t feel overcome with sadness or frustration.  My heart isn’t hard or bitter.  My heart is hopeful every.single.month.  Father has shown me that He has made me brave enough to continue in hope regardless of the number of failures.  What I did feel was disappointment.  I’ve learned in this journey that I don’t have to be embarrassed if I feel disappointment.  I used to feel ashamed of it, but it isn’t something to be ashamed of.  You can be full of faith and still feel some disappointment.  Faith isn’t denying the desires of your heart, and the disappointment you feel when those desires aren’t fulfilled.  Faith is simply denying the disappointment the ability to remain in you and make you entertain lies about your future, yourself or your heavenly Father.  Disappointment doesn't have to mean despair.

I felt the disappointment and I knew I had to acknowledge.  I said out loud  “Father, I’m not mad.  I trust you.  I just feel disappointed.”  I felt a knot welling up in my heart – almost like I wanted to cry but it wasn’t quite there.  I swallowed the knot and kept getting ready for the day.  I went downstairs to the kitchen and started cooking my breakfast – egg whites and a handful of spinach every day!  I made my coffee and I took my plate and mug into the room where I sit with Jesus in the mornings.  I normally run into this room – my spirit can’t wait to be still with Him- but today I felt a little drag walking in.  I sat down on the sofa, pulled out my Bible and put it in my lap, unopened.  I could feel the knot still sitting in my heart – the disappointment.  I still felt it.  I thought confessing it would help it go away but the knot felt the same in the room where I sit with Jesus as it did in the bathroom.  I knew if I ignored it, if I swept it under the rug, it would be a barrier to my heart’s ability to receive from Him that morning.  I didn’t want that.  I sat there and prayed “Holy Spirit, help me.  Show me what to do”  Let me tell you, the Holy Spirit is the most faithful friend!  I sat in silence for a few seconds and then immediately into my spirit came a song I hadn’t sung in a long time.  With out even consciously remembering all the verses, Holy Spirit brought them to me and I began to sing a loud:

“Oh Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder Consider all the worlds thy hands have made.

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, thy power throughout the universe displayed."

** my heart’s focus shifted to all the wonders of His hands – including the future child he would craft for me.  Disappointment began to shrink and hope began to rise again.  I felt the exchange.
And my heart continued to sing aloud…

"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee:  How great thou art, how great thou art. 

Then sings my soul my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

And when I think of God, His son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in; 

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing He bled and died to take away my sin."

** my heart’s focus shifted to the cross.  Any remaining disappointment vanished at the sight of it.  You cannot look at the cross and feel disappointment.  You cannot look at the cross and stay focused on self.  You can only look at the cross and feel overwhelmed with thankfulness.  It is life.  It is victory over past, present and future.  It is hope.  The very thing I’ve cried out for is what Father gave up for me.  He gave me Jesus, and He is not unfamiliar with pain.  Now, all I can see is His love, grace and mercy.
And my heart declared…

"Then sings my soul my Savior, God, to Thee: How great thou art, how great thou art

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art how great Thou art

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow with humble adoration and then proclaim “My God How great Thou art!”

** my heart’s focus shifted to the worthiness of King Jesus.  When we live from a place of constant mindfulness of His worthiness of our lives laid down, we will feel the joy set before us even in suffering.  Jesus is worthy of my love being uninhibited by any disappointment in every season.  He is worthy of me laying down disappointment and taking up His joy.
And my heart SHOUTED…

"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, How great Thou art

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART"

I was shouting, arms stretched wide and tears streaming down my cheeks.  The tears that I thought might fall from disappointment were now falling because of thankfulness.  I was so overwhelmed by the greatness and goodness of Jesus that there was no way disappointment could dwell in me.  I saw a picture in my heart of me kneeling down in front of Jesus holding out to Him what looked like black rubbish in my hands.  I knew it was disappointment.  He smiled that matchless beautiful smile at me and held out His hands with sparkling gold in them.  I knew He was saying “Let’s trade”.  Instantly what was black in my hands became gold.  Instantly disappointment became hope and joy.

That is what Jesus does for us sweet friends.  He doesn’t ask us to deny disappointment.  He just asks us not to ignore it.  He asks us to bring it to Him.   “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28).  That’s one of the divine exchanges we have access to in Him– trading burden for rest; mourning for joy; disappointment for hope.  It happens as we take our eyes off of ourselves and put them on Jesus and who He is for us.

Friends, maybe you have some rubbish in your hands you’ve been holding onto.  It could be disappointment, weariness, bitterness, the need for understanding, etc.  Maybe you didn’t even realize it was there (that happens more often then we like to admit!).  Its time to make an exchange.  Look at Jesus.  His eyes are locked on yours, He is smiling that smile that undoes you, he is holding out your treasure, and he is saying “let’s trade.”  Give Him your rubbish.  Trade your disappointment, your weariness, your loneliness, your shame, your need to understand and receive the treasure of divine joy, hope, rest and peace.  It is all there for you in Him.  Its as simple as surrender.  When you make that trade, you’ll feel the exchange take place.  Your soul will see it- “My savior, my God, How great thou art.”

I’m praying you feel that exchange taking place even now as you finish this post and close your eyes to see Jesus.  What is He holding out to trade you?  It is a treasure with a name.  Take hold of His hands and receive it.

Choosing the higher reality

I’m getting a head start on one of my 2018 goals and that is to post a little more frequently so that it doesn’t take you all an entire afternoon to read one of my semi-annual posts. This is me starting off on the right foot :)

Part of the journey that I’ve been sharing over the last year is our journey to becoming a mom and dad. Today I had another moment with Father that came from a step in that journey that I feel like is for me to share. We’ve been hoping to conceive for almost two years (with a miscarriage a year ago at Christmas) and we’ve sought Jesus in each step of this journey as to what we should be doing or not doing as we navigate this season. We know His desire for us is to be a mama and daddy. We know our desire to be parents is from Him and He will fulfill it. He is fiercely good and faithful and we have our feet and hearts planted firmly in that truth, no matter what circumstances seem to shout. He has done so much in our hearts that there is no way I could relay it all here but one of the big things He’s rooted more deeply in me in this season is this: Hope is a choice. Only when our hope is in Jesus and nothing else is competing for our hope will our hearts truly be able to thrive in hard seasons. Is it wrong for me to hope to be a mama? No way! It is a beautiful desire that Father has placed in my heart. I just cannot put more hope in the possibility of conceiving that I put in Jesus and allowing all my contentment to be found in Him. Even if I never conceived and became a mama (even though I know I will), my heart would still thrive. He is the source and object of my hope. He gives me hope, and I in turn, place it all in Him. I choose that cycle daily. Receive hope from Him & put my hope back in Him.

Up until November, we had not felt like it was time for us to pursue fertility physicians and treatments. As we prayed through October, we felt a shift in our heart and we began to feel peace around that choice. We started that part of the journey in November and I began to under go a series of tests to check all the different factors that contribute to the ability to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term. The Lord was so near in all of it. What could have felt anxious and worrisome felt peaceful and hopeful as I went through each test. One by one, they ruled out factors that could have been inhibiting a pregnancy.

Earlier this week, I had the last test of the series scheduled and for some reason I felt a little nervous about it. Part of it may have been that this was the last thing they could test to see if something was wrong and I wondered what they would see? I’d been positioning my heart in the peace and presence of Jesus all morning. As I drove to the doctor’s office, I worshipped and thanked Jesus for my body and that it was created to be fruitful. I thanked Him that He was my great physician and that my body was in His control even above the doctors. He is my higher reality, no matter what a physician report would say. I wanted to be anchored in that truth before I ever heard a result from this test. I arrived, parked my car, walked into the doctor’s office, and was escorted back to the treatment room.

As my doctor conducted the test, I closed my eyes and just focused on Jesus. I thanked Him for His goodness to me. I thanked Him for His peace. I thanked Him for holding my hand in that room and being with me in the painful moments. I thanked Him that no matter what I heard in the next few minutes, He is my hope and His kingdom is my reality. I choose to believe and put my faith in the fact that a medical report is not my highest reality. It may be the reality in the natural, but my reality in the spirit is that I’m “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I’m designed to “be fruitful and multiply”. I’m created “in the image of God” and “no weapon formed against me will prosper”. The spiritual reality trumps the natural every time. Its not denying natural circumstances. It is declaring in the face of them, “you are not my highest reality”. The kingdom is my reality and I get to choose daily to elevate my perspective to match heaven’s perspective over my life.

The test concluded and I felt my heart’s perspective lined up with heaven’s. I was ready to hear what ever the result was. The words that came out of my doctor’s mouth next, I distinctly heard come from two places. I heard the voice of my doctor speak it but I also heard the voice of my Father declare it over me: He said “There is nothing wrong with your body”. In that moment, I heard Father’s voice even louder than my doctors. The final test was done and the results were all in – there is nothing wrong with my body. I was very aware that there could have been something wrong with me at some point in this journey, but I am healed and whole in Jesus. It didn’t matter if there had never been anything wrong, if I’d had something wrong and been healed or if the report said that there was still something wrong & I would need medical help. My reality is that I am whole in Jesus. I felt something be lifted off of me in that moment. It was like the enemy was waiting to pounce through discouragement but He was kicked entirely out of the building. Discouragement couldn’t touch me in that moment because I’d chosen my higher reality – the reality of heaven’s declaration over me.

I share all of this because I feel like some of you are where I was this week in your heart. You may be facing a circumstance (weather physically or in your heart/emotions) that makes you want to ask questions and wonder what is going on. I want to encourage you to hear the reality that heaven is speaking over you. In Jesus, you are whole & healed. Its one of the exchanges Jesus made with us at the cross: “He was wounded for our transgressions. He was bruised for our iniquity…and by his stripes we ARE healed.” (present tense friends!) The enemy would love to get his sidekicks of anxiety, fear and doubt on you but you have a choice. You can rise above them to a place where they cannot touch you by aligning your perspective with heaven’s perspective over your life. God doesn’t look at you and your circumstances and fear the enemy. If He doesn’t, and he has given us the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16), then we can conclude that we shouldn’t look at our circumstances and fear the enemy either! We’ve been given the mind of Jesus, lets live from it. You might wonder, how do you shift your perspective? A great place to start is by positioning your heart in thankfulness. Thank the Lord for who He is to you & for you. Second, declare the promises of scripture over yourself – you will feel your heart move to be in line with the truth when you do this, I promise. The word is powerful. The word of God is the sword of the spirit – our offensive weapon (Eph 6:17)! Keep doing it until you feel the shift. And third, worship Jesus. Even when you don’t “feel like it”, choose to worship. This takes your heart’s eye off of your circumstance and puts it right on the King.

I’m with you in this choice today. I’m cheering for you! You CAN choose to believe a higher reality than what your natural circumstances are telling you to believe. Position your heart in thankfulness, declare the word of truth and worship precious & mighty Jesus. When you choose to agree with the Spirit of God and what He is declaring over you and your circumstances, watch how your heart responds. I’ve prayed for you while I wrote this post and I am confident your perspective will be lifted to be the same as heaven’s perspective if you will choose it. We can experience this because of grace. Jesus opened the door for us to have His mind and His perspective in any situation. May you see the joy, hope and peace that Father sees when He looks at your life. He is thrilled about your future in Him and you can be thrilled about it too. He has “immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine” in store. Shift your perspective and see it for yourself!