A Divine Trade: stepping out of disappointment

This past weekend my heart had another opportunity to make a decision in the face of disappointment and Father so faithfully helped me rise above it.  I want to encourage any of you who may be feeling disappointment that you too, can  rise above it.  It doesn’t have to hold you back from joy & hope.  I made the decision this past weekend to take another pregnancy test. I’m pretty used to the drill now and often I just by pass the test completely and wait.  Sometimes its easier not to have to stare a “Not pregnant” in the face. I took a test this time because we were again, believing this was our month.

I took the test and started to put on my make up while I waited for the result.  I was pressing into Jesus and making sure my heart was centered on him before seeing any result.  I was telling Him good morning, centering my heart around His love and thanking Him for His plan for our family, regardless of what this test said.  As I looked over to read the result, it only took a split second to know what it was telling me.  There were two lines of words, not one.

Not
Pregnant

With out even deciphering the words, I knew that two lines of letters meant “not this time”.  I’ve heard that in some form or another 19 times now.  Father has brought my heart so far in this journey: I don’t fall apart anymore.  I don’t doubt my Father's heart towards me.   I don't wonder if He's making me wait because something is wrong with my heart.  I don’t feel overcome with sadness or frustration.  My heart isn’t hard or bitter.  My heart is hopeful every.single.month.  Father has shown me that He has made me brave enough to continue in hope regardless of the number of failures.  What I did feel was disappointment.  I’ve learned in this journey that I don’t have to be embarrassed if I feel disappointment.  I used to feel ashamed of it, but it isn’t something to be ashamed of.  You can be full of faith and still feel some disappointment.  Faith isn’t denying the desires of your heart, and the disappointment you feel when those desires aren’t fulfilled.  Faith is simply denying the disappointment the ability to remain in you and make you entertain lies about your future, yourself or your heavenly Father.  Disappointment doesn't have to mean despair.

I felt the disappointment and I knew I had to acknowledge.  I said out loud  “Father, I’m not mad.  I trust you.  I just feel disappointed.”  I felt a knot welling up in my heart – almost like I wanted to cry but it wasn’t quite there.  I swallowed the knot and kept getting ready for the day.  I went downstairs to the kitchen and started cooking my breakfast – egg whites and a handful of spinach every day!  I made my coffee and I took my plate and mug into the room where I sit with Jesus in the mornings.  I normally run into this room – my spirit can’t wait to be still with Him- but today I felt a little drag walking in.  I sat down on the sofa, pulled out my Bible and put it in my lap, unopened.  I could feel the knot still sitting in my heart – the disappointment.  I still felt it.  I thought confessing it would help it go away but the knot felt the same in the room where I sit with Jesus as it did in the bathroom.  I knew if I ignored it, if I swept it under the rug, it would be a barrier to my heart’s ability to receive from Him that morning.  I didn’t want that.  I sat there and prayed “Holy Spirit, help me.  Show me what to do”  Let me tell you, the Holy Spirit is the most faithful friend!  I sat in silence for a few seconds and then immediately into my spirit came a song I hadn’t sung in a long time.  With out even consciously remembering all the verses, Holy Spirit brought them to me and I began to sing a loud:

“Oh Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder Consider all the worlds thy hands have made.

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, thy power throughout the universe displayed."

** my heart’s focus shifted to all the wonders of His hands – including the future child he would craft for me.  Disappointment began to shrink and hope began to rise again.  I felt the exchange.
And my heart continued to sing aloud…

"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee:  How great thou art, how great thou art. 

Then sings my soul my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

And when I think of God, His son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in; 

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing He bled and died to take away my sin."

** my heart’s focus shifted to the cross.  Any remaining disappointment vanished at the sight of it.  You cannot look at the cross and feel disappointment.  You cannot look at the cross and stay focused on self.  You can only look at the cross and feel overwhelmed with thankfulness.  It is life.  It is victory over past, present and future.  It is hope.  The very thing I’ve cried out for is what Father gave up for me.  He gave me Jesus, and He is not unfamiliar with pain.  Now, all I can see is His love, grace and mercy.
And my heart declared…

"Then sings my soul my Savior, God, to Thee: How great thou art, how great thou art

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art how great Thou art

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow with humble adoration and then proclaim “My God How great Thou art!”

** my heart’s focus shifted to the worthiness of King Jesus.  When we live from a place of constant mindfulness of His worthiness of our lives laid down, we will feel the joy set before us even in suffering.  Jesus is worthy of my love being uninhibited by any disappointment in every season.  He is worthy of me laying down disappointment and taking up His joy.
And my heart SHOUTED…

"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, How great Thou art

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee: How great Thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART"

I was shouting, arms stretched wide and tears streaming down my cheeks.  The tears that I thought might fall from disappointment were now falling because of thankfulness.  I was so overwhelmed by the greatness and goodness of Jesus that there was no way disappointment could dwell in me.  I saw a picture in my heart of me kneeling down in front of Jesus holding out to Him what looked like black rubbish in my hands.  I knew it was disappointment.  He smiled that matchless beautiful smile at me and held out His hands with sparkling gold in them.  I knew He was saying “Let’s trade”.  Instantly what was black in my hands became gold.  Instantly disappointment became hope and joy.

That is what Jesus does for us sweet friends.  He doesn’t ask us to deny disappointment.  He just asks us not to ignore it.  He asks us to bring it to Him.   “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28).  That’s one of the divine exchanges we have access to in Him– trading burden for rest; mourning for joy; disappointment for hope.  It happens as we take our eyes off of ourselves and put them on Jesus and who He is for us.

Friends, maybe you have some rubbish in your hands you’ve been holding onto.  It could be disappointment, weariness, bitterness, the need for understanding, etc.  Maybe you didn’t even realize it was there (that happens more often then we like to admit!).  Its time to make an exchange.  Look at Jesus.  His eyes are locked on yours, He is smiling that smile that undoes you, he is holding out your treasure, and he is saying “let’s trade.”  Give Him your rubbish.  Trade your disappointment, your weariness, your loneliness, your shame, your need to understand and receive the treasure of divine joy, hope, rest and peace.  It is all there for you in Him.  Its as simple as surrender.  When you make that trade, you’ll feel the exchange take place.  Your soul will see it- “My savior, my God, How great thou art.”

I’m praying you feel that exchange taking place even now as you finish this post and close your eyes to see Jesus.  What is He holding out to trade you?  It is a treasure with a name.  Take hold of His hands and receive it.

Choosing the higher reality

I’m getting a head start on one of my 2018 goals and that is to post a little more frequently so that it doesn’t take you all an entire afternoon to read one of my semi-annual posts. This is me starting off on the right foot :)

Part of the journey that I’ve been sharing over the last year is our journey to becoming a mom and dad. Today I had another moment with Father that came from a step in that journey that I feel like is for me to share. We’ve been hoping to conceive for almost two years (with a miscarriage a year ago at Christmas) and we’ve sought Jesus in each step of this journey as to what we should be doing or not doing as we navigate this season. We know His desire for us is to be a mama and daddy. We know our desire to be parents is from Him and He will fulfill it. He is fiercely good and faithful and we have our feet and hearts planted firmly in that truth, no matter what circumstances seem to shout. He has done so much in our hearts that there is no way I could relay it all here but one of the big things He’s rooted more deeply in me in this season is this: Hope is a choice. Only when our hope is in Jesus and nothing else is competing for our hope will our hearts truly be able to thrive in hard seasons. Is it wrong for me to hope to be a mama? No way! It is a beautiful desire that Father has placed in my heart. I just cannot put more hope in the possibility of conceiving that I put in Jesus and allowing all my contentment to be found in Him. Even if I never conceived and became a mama (even though I know I will), my heart would still thrive. He is the source and object of my hope. He gives me hope, and I in turn, place it all in Him. I choose that cycle daily. Receive hope from Him & put my hope back in Him.

Up until November, we had not felt like it was time for us to pursue fertility physicians and treatments. As we prayed through October, we felt a shift in our heart and we began to feel peace around that choice. We started that part of the journey in November and I began to under go a series of tests to check all the different factors that contribute to the ability to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term. The Lord was so near in all of it. What could have felt anxious and worrisome felt peaceful and hopeful as I went through each test. One by one, they ruled out factors that could have been inhibiting a pregnancy.

Earlier this week, I had the last test of the series scheduled and for some reason I felt a little nervous about it. Part of it may have been that this was the last thing they could test to see if something was wrong and I wondered what they would see? I’d been positioning my heart in the peace and presence of Jesus all morning. As I drove to the doctor’s office, I worshipped and thanked Jesus for my body and that it was created to be fruitful. I thanked Him that He was my great physician and that my body was in His control even above the doctors. He is my higher reality, no matter what a physician report would say. I wanted to be anchored in that truth before I ever heard a result from this test. I arrived, parked my car, walked into the doctor’s office, and was escorted back to the treatment room.

As my doctor conducted the test, I closed my eyes and just focused on Jesus. I thanked Him for His goodness to me. I thanked Him for His peace. I thanked Him for holding my hand in that room and being with me in the painful moments. I thanked Him that no matter what I heard in the next few minutes, He is my hope and His kingdom is my reality. I choose to believe and put my faith in the fact that a medical report is not my highest reality. It may be the reality in the natural, but my reality in the spirit is that I’m “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I’m designed to “be fruitful and multiply”. I’m created “in the image of God” and “no weapon formed against me will prosper”. The spiritual reality trumps the natural every time. Its not denying natural circumstances. It is declaring in the face of them, “you are not my highest reality”. The kingdom is my reality and I get to choose daily to elevate my perspective to match heaven’s perspective over my life.

The test concluded and I felt my heart’s perspective lined up with heaven’s. I was ready to hear what ever the result was. The words that came out of my doctor’s mouth next, I distinctly heard come from two places. I heard the voice of my doctor speak it but I also heard the voice of my Father declare it over me: He said “There is nothing wrong with your body”. In that moment, I heard Father’s voice even louder than my doctors. The final test was done and the results were all in – there is nothing wrong with my body. I was very aware that there could have been something wrong with me at some point in this journey, but I am healed and whole in Jesus. It didn’t matter if there had never been anything wrong, if I’d had something wrong and been healed or if the report said that there was still something wrong & I would need medical help. My reality is that I am whole in Jesus. I felt something be lifted off of me in that moment. It was like the enemy was waiting to pounce through discouragement but He was kicked entirely out of the building. Discouragement couldn’t touch me in that moment because I’d chosen my higher reality – the reality of heaven’s declaration over me.

I share all of this because I feel like some of you are where I was this week in your heart. You may be facing a circumstance (weather physically or in your heart/emotions) that makes you want to ask questions and wonder what is going on. I want to encourage you to hear the reality that heaven is speaking over you. In Jesus, you are whole & healed. Its one of the exchanges Jesus made with us at the cross: “He was wounded for our transgressions. He was bruised for our iniquity…and by his stripes we ARE healed.” (present tense friends!) The enemy would love to get his sidekicks of anxiety, fear and doubt on you but you have a choice. You can rise above them to a place where they cannot touch you by aligning your perspective with heaven’s perspective over your life. God doesn’t look at you and your circumstances and fear the enemy. If He doesn’t, and he has given us the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16), then we can conclude that we shouldn’t look at our circumstances and fear the enemy either! We’ve been given the mind of Jesus, lets live from it. You might wonder, how do you shift your perspective? A great place to start is by positioning your heart in thankfulness. Thank the Lord for who He is to you & for you. Second, declare the promises of scripture over yourself – you will feel your heart move to be in line with the truth when you do this, I promise. The word is powerful. The word of God is the sword of the spirit – our offensive weapon (Eph 6:17)! Keep doing it until you feel the shift. And third, worship Jesus. Even when you don’t “feel like it”, choose to worship. This takes your heart’s eye off of your circumstance and puts it right on the King.

I’m with you in this choice today. I’m cheering for you! You CAN choose to believe a higher reality than what your natural circumstances are telling you to believe. Position your heart in thankfulness, declare the word of truth and worship precious & mighty Jesus. When you choose to agree with the Spirit of God and what He is declaring over you and your circumstances, watch how your heart responds. I’ve prayed for you while I wrote this post and I am confident your perspective will be lifted to be the same as heaven’s perspective if you will choose it. We can experience this because of grace. Jesus opened the door for us to have His mind and His perspective in any situation. May you see the joy, hope and peace that Father sees when He looks at your life. He is thrilled about your future in Him and you can be thrilled about it too. He has “immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine” in store. Shift your perspective and see it for yourself!