Hey Friends! I’ve had
some things rumbling in my heart since my last post and I wanted to share some
of them with you. If you read my
last post, you’ll notice a theme there that I’m continuing in this post: journeying through the wilderness. My last post was on the weapon that
hope is in wilderness seasons. It
cuts the head off of depression & anxiety. When we choose hope over what our circumstances are
shouting, it cripples the enemy’s attempts to pull us into a pit of
despair. When we place all of our
hope in Jesus, The Hope of Nations, it is in a safe and secure place that will
never let us down. The enemy can
do his worst and we can still be found “having this hope as an anchor for the
soul, firm and secure.
It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where our forerunner, Jesus,
has entered on our behalf.” (Heb 6:19)
This year of journeying through a new kind of wilderness has done
things for me that I never imagined it would. I began this year seeing it as a season to “make it through”. Zach and I saw the situations we were
facing and we were confident that the Lord was working to bring us through them. We’d lost a pregnancy & a child, a
job, a car and what felt like direction in life all within a few months of each
other and that was how 2017 started.
It continued with almost laughable hurdles happening that we were trying
to let shape us and push us deeper into Jesus. I was focused on getting to the end of the “hard stuff”
& doing it well. I wanted to
walk through this season with steadfastness. I wanted to give that to Jesus
because He is worthy. In the good
intention of wanting to “walk well” in this season, I sometimes failed to walk
in mindfulness of the fact that He is never impressed with our own measure of strength
J He is most
pleased by the strength we learn to draw from Him. You’ll never be able to persevere as well with grit as you
will with love. When we’re in
love, we are constantly reminded that it is our lover’s delight to give us His
strength. Love is what protects us
from exhaustion that comes from relying on our own strength. As we walked forward, I never doubted
who He was- a good, faithful, loving Father, but I began to realize that His
timeline for breakthrough was proving to be very different from my expectation. I was confused by the unchanging
scenery of our season after month over month of obedience, perseverance, &
submission to what He wanted to do through this season.
Previously in this season when my heart had been tempted to ask “Why”,
I’d been able to throw the question out by reminding myself that it wasn’t a
fruitful question to ask. It
rarely leads to life. I’d been
able to dismiss it because it didn’t matter why, all that mattered was that we
were obedient to His leading in this season and that this season would be
behind us soon, right?? Well, nine
months in to this journey and still no sight of change, I began, again, to catch
myself wondering “Why is this still happening?” “Why are we still walking
through this season?” The desire
to ask “why” felt different this time and I realized something. The previous times that my heart was
tempted to ask “why” I’d been able to dismiss it because I was assuming the end
of the wilderness was near according to my definition of “near”. This time, I had realized the nearness
of the end of this season may not match my expectation of what “near” means. That is when the “why” wanted to return
but I wouldn’t let myself ask it. I
thought “If I ask, that would mean I wasn’t trusting fully. It would mean I wasn’t steadfast. Weren’t we past my wanting to ask ‘why’? If I asked, it would mean I wasn’t
doing this season right.” I didn’t
realize that me ignoring that question was actually withholding some of what
Father wanted to give me in this season.
A night came in October where I just couldn’t keep the question in any
more. Hiding the question in hopes
that it will go away is not the same as it not being there (I think that’s
called “denial”? ). A part of our journey this year has been not being able to conceive
again after we miscarried last Christmas.
We were and still are sure Father is going to redeem that loss but we
thought it would be quick (by our definition). A year later we still had not conceived and had no answers
as to why. Any of you courageous
women who have journeyed through a season of barrenness, miscarriage or
infertility know the ups & downs that walk can hold. It has refined my heart in a way I never
knew it would nor ever expected I’d go through. (Note: I call it a “season” intentionally and I will never
use it as a label. It does not
define you. You will never hear me
call myself “barren” or “infertile” because that is not what my Father calls
me. Its not what He calls you
either. We were fearfully &
wonderfully made in His image and his image does not contain any
barrenness.) It is so humbling to
not be able to control your own body and get it to do what you want it to do
when it seems like so many others easily are. It has rid me of pride in a whole new way. This past October, I was sure I was
pregnant (you think that every month when you’re hoping to conceive but this
time we REALLY felt it.) Our hope
& faith felt higher than ever that this was the time of redemption of loss.
I had several symptoms of
pregnancy and we had heard/experienced several things that we thought was the
Lord confirming it. We thought
even the holiday season that we miscarried in last year was being redeemed with
conception for the holidays this year.
I thought this part of the wilderness was ending. We found out later in October that we
were not pregnant and I was left with a choice again: what was my response? It was another breaking moment for me
and it was when I let the “Why” out that had been peeking around a corner of my
heart. I took my
disappointment and my “WHY?” to Jesus and laid them all out at his feet. I knew I shouldn’t want to ask, but it
was there and I wanted to get it out.
There I was again broken & laid down at his feet. All the “Why” stuff just came flooding
out with tears. “What is your
purpose in this season lasting so long? Are we totally missing something? Is there something in me/my heart that’s preventing my
healing? Are we not hearing you
correctly in how we’ve sought to be obedient?...” You name it, it probably came out of my mouth that night. And, you guessed it, wonderful Jesus
met me right there on the floor in a puddle of tears again. He came to me and pulled me from the
floor to His chest. He wanted me
to take comfort in touching Him, not just being in front of Him. That floor became a tabernacle – a
place of meeting with my King. He
will establish a tabernacle anywhere we are desperate for Him.
With every “Why, How, What?” I let out, I felt His presence fall until
I was completely enveloped in the arms of the person of Jesus. When His presence came, when my floor
became the Holy of Holies, the desire to ask “Why” completely disappeared. When I thought I wanted understanding,
He knew what I needed was His presence. That is life with him.
I don’t ever need to understand.
This fact that I knew in my head prior to that night, I now accepted more
deeply in my heart. When I was in
His arms on the floor, snot dripping out of my nose, mascara all over creation,
I saw that my desire for understanding had been rooted in a place of frustration
at this season. Frustration was
hiding in my heart disguised as a question: “WHY?” When I let go of my frustration, I could let go of my need
to understand. I’d fallen down on
the floor with a heart of a servant girl hungry for understanding, and I rose
from that same floor with the heart of a bride in love with her bridegroom and
with her gazed locked onto His again.
No matter if this season lasted years, it didn’t matter. The “why” never feels important when
you’re in the presence. The
presence is the reward, weather you’re in the dessert or the promised
land.
When you’re in love, all you want is to be in the presence off the one
you love. It doesn’t matter what
you’re walking through if they’re with you. A wilderness transforms into a land of treasure when it is a
place that you find Him. It begins
to look a lot more like a Promised Land than a desert when you realize how
deeply you can have Him there. He’s
proven that to me over & over again this year. When we get our eyes off the dryness of the desert and put
them on Him, we see the most priceless treasure waiting for us in the sand of
the wilderness. It is uncovered by
intimacy & obedience. What
if a Promised Land isn’t actually a destination at all? What if it is a heart position, and we
can have it in any season when we stay rooted in love? He is the treasure in the dessert and I’ll
stay as long as I find Him here. I’m
in my Promised Land. One of the
verses that has become a life verse for me this year is Song of Solomon 8:5 and
it is what I want to share with you.
It is a picture of the treasure of the wilderness. The Friends in Song of Solomon are looking
at the Beloved & his Lover coming towards them together and they are taken back
by the sight of them. They say
this:
“Who is
this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?”
Can you picture it? The
wilderness is a tabernacle, a tent of meeting. The wilderness is where intimacy is found. Its where we learn to lean fully on our
beloved. I want this to be the banner
over me for all of my life. I can
be more than content in the desert, I can THRIVE here. I’ve found the joy and its in His
presence alone. If any of you are
in a place of wilderness yourself, this is my prayer for you too. You are in such a special place to meet
Him. I know it can feel painful
and tiring, I’m not denying that, but turn your gaze to Him and behold your
treasure! When you behold Him in
the desert you will feel yourself move from surviving to THRIVING. You CAN thrive in the dessert. It doesn’t have to be a season to “make
it through”. When we turn our eyes
to Him in the wilderness, we see supernatural springs of refreshing He’s had
for us all along. We see the table
set before us there with the bread of life to feast on. When we behold Him in the desert, he
turns mourning into joy of intimacy.
We lean on Him and He carries us.
I can say this now and mean it with all of my heart: it has truly been His
goodness that has allowed me to stay in this wilderness so I could find the
treasure that He hid for me here – more of Himself. It is His goodness that has led me and sustained me here. He didn’t pull me out early even when I
cried for it because He knew when it was over, I’d look back and say “Did I get
all of you that I could have had in that season?” He knew my heart’s greatest desire would be Him, and He didn’t
want me to miss any of the intimacy hidden for me there. He is so good. He is so kind. He is faithful to turn wilderness into
tabernacle. He knows our hearts
are always changed by His presence and when our hearts are changed, nothing
looks like wilderness anymore. You
see love everywhere. You see Him
everywhere.
PS: Ladies, if any of you
read this and are walking through a season of barrenness, infertility
treatments, miscarriage or the road to adoption I want to invite you to one of
the gifts the Lord led me to this year.
He introduced me to a group of women called “The Garden”. It is an amazing community of women who
are journeying through the seasons that I mentioned above. We come together and keep our eyes
fixed on Jesus and his goodness.
We champion each other to stay rooted in his faithfulness and goodness
in seasons that seem to shout the opposite. If your heart could use encouragement in your journey, we
would love to have you come join us.
Here is a link where you can learn more. https://www.facebook.com/groups/109594042958129/