Choosing the higher reality

I’m getting a head start on one of my 2018 goals and that is to post a little more frequently so that it doesn’t take you all an entire afternoon to read one of my semi-annual posts. This is me starting off on the right foot :)

Part of the journey that I’ve been sharing over the last year is our journey to becoming a mom and dad. Today I had another moment with Father that came from a step in that journey that I feel like is for me to share. We’ve been hoping to conceive for almost two years (with a miscarriage a year ago at Christmas) and we’ve sought Jesus in each step of this journey as to what we should be doing or not doing as we navigate this season. We know His desire for us is to be a mama and daddy. We know our desire to be parents is from Him and He will fulfill it. He is fiercely good and faithful and we have our feet and hearts planted firmly in that truth, no matter what circumstances seem to shout. He has done so much in our hearts that there is no way I could relay it all here but one of the big things He’s rooted more deeply in me in this season is this: Hope is a choice. Only when our hope is in Jesus and nothing else is competing for our hope will our hearts truly be able to thrive in hard seasons. Is it wrong for me to hope to be a mama? No way! It is a beautiful desire that Father has placed in my heart. I just cannot put more hope in the possibility of conceiving that I put in Jesus and allowing all my contentment to be found in Him. Even if I never conceived and became a mama (even though I know I will), my heart would still thrive. He is the source and object of my hope. He gives me hope, and I in turn, place it all in Him. I choose that cycle daily. Receive hope from Him & put my hope back in Him.

Up until November, we had not felt like it was time for us to pursue fertility physicians and treatments. As we prayed through October, we felt a shift in our heart and we began to feel peace around that choice. We started that part of the journey in November and I began to under go a series of tests to check all the different factors that contribute to the ability to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term. The Lord was so near in all of it. What could have felt anxious and worrisome felt peaceful and hopeful as I went through each test. One by one, they ruled out factors that could have been inhibiting a pregnancy.

Earlier this week, I had the last test of the series scheduled and for some reason I felt a little nervous about it. Part of it may have been that this was the last thing they could test to see if something was wrong and I wondered what they would see? I’d been positioning my heart in the peace and presence of Jesus all morning. As I drove to the doctor’s office, I worshipped and thanked Jesus for my body and that it was created to be fruitful. I thanked Him that He was my great physician and that my body was in His control even above the doctors. He is my higher reality, no matter what a physician report would say. I wanted to be anchored in that truth before I ever heard a result from this test. I arrived, parked my car, walked into the doctor’s office, and was escorted back to the treatment room.

As my doctor conducted the test, I closed my eyes and just focused on Jesus. I thanked Him for His goodness to me. I thanked Him for His peace. I thanked Him for holding my hand in that room and being with me in the painful moments. I thanked Him that no matter what I heard in the next few minutes, He is my hope and His kingdom is my reality. I choose to believe and put my faith in the fact that a medical report is not my highest reality. It may be the reality in the natural, but my reality in the spirit is that I’m “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I’m designed to “be fruitful and multiply”. I’m created “in the image of God” and “no weapon formed against me will prosper”. The spiritual reality trumps the natural every time. Its not denying natural circumstances. It is declaring in the face of them, “you are not my highest reality”. The kingdom is my reality and I get to choose daily to elevate my perspective to match heaven’s perspective over my life.

The test concluded and I felt my heart’s perspective lined up with heaven’s. I was ready to hear what ever the result was. The words that came out of my doctor’s mouth next, I distinctly heard come from two places. I heard the voice of my doctor speak it but I also heard the voice of my Father declare it over me: He said “There is nothing wrong with your body”. In that moment, I heard Father’s voice even louder than my doctors. The final test was done and the results were all in – there is nothing wrong with my body. I was very aware that there could have been something wrong with me at some point in this journey, but I am healed and whole in Jesus. It didn’t matter if there had never been anything wrong, if I’d had something wrong and been healed or if the report said that there was still something wrong & I would need medical help. My reality is that I am whole in Jesus. I felt something be lifted off of me in that moment. It was like the enemy was waiting to pounce through discouragement but He was kicked entirely out of the building. Discouragement couldn’t touch me in that moment because I’d chosen my higher reality – the reality of heaven’s declaration over me.

I share all of this because I feel like some of you are where I was this week in your heart. You may be facing a circumstance (weather physically or in your heart/emotions) that makes you want to ask questions and wonder what is going on. I want to encourage you to hear the reality that heaven is speaking over you. In Jesus, you are whole & healed. Its one of the exchanges Jesus made with us at the cross: “He was wounded for our transgressions. He was bruised for our iniquity…and by his stripes we ARE healed.” (present tense friends!) The enemy would love to get his sidekicks of anxiety, fear and doubt on you but you have a choice. You can rise above them to a place where they cannot touch you by aligning your perspective with heaven’s perspective over your life. God doesn’t look at you and your circumstances and fear the enemy. If He doesn’t, and he has given us the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16), then we can conclude that we shouldn’t look at our circumstances and fear the enemy either! We’ve been given the mind of Jesus, lets live from it. You might wonder, how do you shift your perspective? A great place to start is by positioning your heart in thankfulness. Thank the Lord for who He is to you & for you. Second, declare the promises of scripture over yourself – you will feel your heart move to be in line with the truth when you do this, I promise. The word is powerful. The word of God is the sword of the spirit – our offensive weapon (Eph 6:17)! Keep doing it until you feel the shift. And third, worship Jesus. Even when you don’t “feel like it”, choose to worship. This takes your heart’s eye off of your circumstance and puts it right on the King.

I’m with you in this choice today. I’m cheering for you! You CAN choose to believe a higher reality than what your natural circumstances are telling you to believe. Position your heart in thankfulness, declare the word of truth and worship precious & mighty Jesus. When you choose to agree with the Spirit of God and what He is declaring over you and your circumstances, watch how your heart responds. I’ve prayed for you while I wrote this post and I am confident your perspective will be lifted to be the same as heaven’s perspective if you will choose it. We can experience this because of grace. Jesus opened the door for us to have His mind and His perspective in any situation. May you see the joy, hope and peace that Father sees when He looks at your life. He is thrilled about your future in Him and you can be thrilled about it too. He has “immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine” in store. Shift your perspective and see it for yourself! 

The best treasure is in the desert

Hey Friends!  I’ve had some things rumbling in my heart since my last post and I wanted to share some of them with you.  If you read my last post, you’ll notice a theme there that I’m continuing in this post:  journeying through the wilderness.  My last post was on the weapon that hope is in wilderness seasons.  It cuts the head off of depression & anxiety.  When we choose hope over what our circumstances are shouting, it cripples the enemy’s attempts to pull us into a pit of despair.  When we place all of our hope in Jesus, The Hope of Nations, it is in a safe and secure place that will never let us down.  The enemy can do his worst and we can still be found “having this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.” (Heb 6:19)

This year of journeying through a new kind of wilderness has done things for me that I never imagined it would.  I began this year seeing it as a season to “make it through”.  Zach and I saw the situations we were facing and we were confident that the Lord was working to bring us through them.  We’d lost a pregnancy & a child, a job, a car and what felt like direction in life all within a few months of each other and that was how 2017 started.  It continued with almost laughable hurdles happening that we were trying to let shape us and push us deeper into Jesus.  I was focused on getting to the end of the “hard stuff” & doing it well.  I wanted to walk through this season with steadfastness. I wanted to give that to Jesus because He is worthy.  In the good intention of wanting to “walk well” in this season, I sometimes failed to walk in mindfulness of the fact that He is never impressed with our own measure of strength J He is most pleased by the strength we learn to draw from Him.  You’ll never be able to persevere as well with grit as you will with love.  When we’re in love, we are constantly reminded that it is our lover’s delight to give us His strength.  Love is what protects us from exhaustion that comes from relying on our own strength.  As we walked forward, I never doubted who He was- a good, faithful, loving Father, but I began to realize that His timeline for breakthrough was proving to be very different from my expectation.  I was confused by the unchanging scenery of our season after month over month of obedience, perseverance, & submission to what He wanted to do through this season. 

Previously in this season when my heart had been tempted to ask “Why”, I’d been able to throw the question out by reminding myself that it wasn’t a fruitful question to ask.  It rarely leads to life.  I’d been able to dismiss it because it didn’t matter why, all that mattered was that we were obedient to His leading in this season and that this season would be behind us soon, right??  Well, nine months in to this journey and still no sight of change, I began, again, to catch myself wondering “Why is this still happening?” “Why are we still walking through this season?”  The desire to ask “why” felt different this time and I realized something.  The previous times that my heart was tempted to ask “why” I’d been able to dismiss it because I was assuming the end of the wilderness was near according to my definition of “near”.  This time, I had realized the nearness of the end of this season may not match my expectation of what “near” means.  That is when the “why” wanted to return but I wouldn’t let myself ask it.  I thought “If I ask, that would mean I wasn’t trusting fully.  It would mean I wasn’t steadfast.  Weren’t we past my wanting to ask ‘why’?  If I asked, it would mean I wasn’t doing this season right.”  I didn’t realize that me ignoring that question was actually withholding some of what Father wanted to give me in this season.

A night came in October where I just couldn’t keep the question in any more.  Hiding the question in hopes that it will go away is not the same as it not being there (I think that’s called “denial”? ).  A part of our journey this year has been not being able to conceive again after we miscarried last Christmas.  We were and still are sure Father is going to redeem that loss but we thought it would be quick (by our definition).  A year later we still had not conceived and had no answers as to why.  Any of you courageous women who have journeyed through a season of barrenness, miscarriage or infertility know the ups & downs that walk can hold.  It has refined my heart in a way I never knew it would nor ever expected I’d go through.  (Note: I call it a “season” intentionally and I will never use it as a label.  It does not define you.  You will never hear me call myself “barren” or “infertile” because that is not what my Father calls me.  Its not what He calls you either.  We were fearfully & wonderfully made in His image and his image does not contain any barrenness.)  It is so humbling to not be able to control your own body and get it to do what you want it to do when it seems like so many others easily are.  It has rid me of pride in a whole new way.  This past October, I was sure I was pregnant (you think that every month when you’re hoping to conceive but this time we REALLY felt it.)  Our hope & faith felt higher than ever that this was the time of redemption of loss.  I had several symptoms of pregnancy and we had heard/experienced several things that we thought was the Lord confirming it.  We thought even the holiday season that we miscarried in last year was being redeemed with conception for the holidays this year.  I thought this part of the wilderness was ending.  We found out later in October that we were not pregnant and I was left with a choice again: what was my response?  It was another breaking moment for me and it was when I let the “Why” out that had been peeking around a corner of my heart.   I took my disappointment and my “WHY?” to Jesus and laid them all out at his feet.  I knew I shouldn’t want to ask, but it was there and I wanted to get it out.  There I was again broken & laid down at his feet.  All the “Why” stuff just came flooding out with tears.  “What is your purpose in this season lasting so long?  Are we totally missing something?  Is there something in me/my heart that’s preventing my healing?  Are we not hearing you correctly in how we’ve sought to be obedient?...”  You name it, it probably came out of my mouth that night.  And, you guessed it, wonderful Jesus met me right there on the floor in a puddle of tears again.  He came to me and pulled me from the floor to His chest.  He wanted me to take comfort in touching Him, not just being in front of Him.  That floor became a tabernacle – a place of meeting with my King.  He will establish a tabernacle anywhere we are desperate for Him.

With every “Why, How, What?” I let out, I felt His presence fall until I was completely enveloped in the arms of the person of Jesus.  When His presence came, when my floor became the Holy of Holies, the desire to ask “Why” completely disappeared.  When I thought I wanted understanding, He knew what I needed was His presence.  That is life with him.  I don’t ever need to understand.  This fact that I knew in my head prior to that night, I now accepted more deeply in my heart.  When I was in His arms on the floor, snot dripping out of my nose, mascara all over creation, I saw that my desire for understanding had been rooted in a place of frustration at this season.  Frustration was hiding in my heart disguised as a question: “WHY?”  When I let go of my frustration, I could let go of my need to understand.  I’d fallen down on the floor with a heart of a servant girl hungry for understanding, and I rose from that same floor with the heart of a bride in love with her bridegroom and with her gazed locked onto His again.  No matter if this season lasted years, it didn’t matter.  The “why” never feels important when you’re in the presence.  The presence is the reward, weather you’re in the dessert or the promised land. 

When you’re in love, all you want is to be in the presence off the one you love.  It doesn’t matter what you’re walking through if they’re with you.  A wilderness transforms into a land of treasure when it is a place that you find Him.  It begins to look a lot more like a Promised Land than a desert when you realize how deeply you can have Him there.  He’s proven that to me over & over again this year.  When we get our eyes off the dryness of the desert and put them on Him, we see the most priceless treasure waiting for us in the sand of the wilderness.  It is uncovered by intimacy & obedience.  What if a Promised Land isn’t actually a destination at all?  What if it is a heart position, and we can have it in any season when we stay rooted in love?  He is the treasure in the dessert and I’ll stay as long as I find Him here.  I’m in my Promised Land.  One of the verses that has become a life verse for me this year is Song of Solomon 8:5 and it is what I want to share with you.  It is a picture of the treasure of the wilderness.  The Friends in Song of Solomon are looking at the Beloved & his Lover coming towards them together and they are taken back by the sight of them.  They say this:

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?”

Can you picture it?  The wilderness is a tabernacle, a tent of meeting.  The wilderness is where intimacy is found.  Its where we learn to lean fully on our beloved.  I want this to be the banner over me for all of my life.  I can be more than content in the desert, I can THRIVE here.  I’ve found the joy and its in His presence alone.  If any of you are in a place of wilderness yourself, this is my prayer for you too.  You are in such a special place to meet Him.  I know it can feel painful and tiring, I’m not denying that, but turn your gaze to Him and behold your treasure!  When you behold Him in the desert you will feel yourself move from surviving to THRIVING.  You CAN thrive in the dessert.  It doesn’t have to be a season to “make it through”.  When we turn our eyes to Him in the wilderness, we see supernatural springs of refreshing He’s had for us all along.  We see the table set before us there with the bread of life to feast on.  When we behold Him in the desert, he turns mourning into joy of intimacy.  We lean on Him and He carries us.  I can say this now and mean it with all of my heart: it has truly been His goodness that has allowed me to stay in this wilderness so I could find the treasure that He hid for me here – more of Himself.  It is His goodness that has led me and sustained me here.  He didn’t pull me out early even when I cried for it because He knew when it was over, I’d look back and say “Did I get all of you that I could have had in that season?”  He knew my heart’s greatest desire would be Him, and He didn’t want me to miss any of the intimacy hidden for me there.  He is so good.  He is so kind.  He is faithful to turn wilderness into tabernacle.  He knows our hearts are always changed by His presence and when our hearts are changed, nothing looks like wilderness anymore.  You see love everywhere.  You see Him everywhere. 

This song came on while I was finishing this post J This was the song that Zach & I had our first dance to at our wedding.  I felt the Lord dancing with us on that day, and every time I hear it I still feel Him dancing with me.  I wanted to share it with you and invite you to dance with Him as you listen.  If you’re in a wilderness season, let the dance move your gaze to His.  You can’t dance with someone with out being in their arms, so dance and let Him hold you.  Behold your treasure and feel Him move you.  You’ll never see the wilderness the same.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFfw6OSbUwE

PS:  Ladies, if any of you read this and are walking through a season of barrenness, infertility treatments, miscarriage or the road to adoption I want to invite you to one of the gifts the Lord led me to this year.  He introduced me to a group of women called “The Garden”.  It is an amazing community of women who are journeying through the seasons that I mentioned above.  We come together and keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and his goodness.  We champion each other to stay rooted in his faithfulness and goodness in seasons that seem to shout the opposite.  If your heart could use encouragement in your journey, we would love to have you come join us.  Here is a link where you can learn more.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/109594042958129/

Hope: A weapon in the desert

I have been trying to get a post out for a few weeks now but I kept struggling to figure out how to say everything that has been in my heart.  I've realized there is no way to make that happen in one post so I'm going to try share over several posts (hopefully I'll get them out by Christmas!).  Today, I want to share about how the Lord has burned the word "hope" into me over the last few months.  I hope that it can encourage anyone who might need to see the power that it holds.  It is a mighty weapon that I didn’t realize the strength of until Father showed it to me.  Hope helps bring down mental strong holds; it helps protect against lies from the enemy;  it pushes us to align our perspective with heaven’s;  it stomps out anxiety; it is fertile soil where faith can grow.  If you're journeying through any thing that feels like a wilderness, I hope this post encourages your heart :)

Zach and I walked into a lot of unexpected things at the beginning of this year.  You could call it a wilderness season.  We felt a little like Abraham, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” (Heb 11:8)  We started out the year walking in the direction of the Lords voice, but having no idea where it was taking us.  I found myself at the end of myself multiple times over the first 6 months of 2017 (I didn’t know it was possible to get to the end of yourself so repeatedly in such a short period of time. ::humbling::).  I would reach a place where I felt like I had nothing left in me and Father would remind me again and again that it’s never my own strength he wants me to walk in, in any area of my life.  Often times we don’t see all the ways we’re relying on our own strength until new circumstances put that strength to the test and it is found lacking.  When I found myself in those places of refining, that’s where Lord would come in His goodness and fill me up with Himself to keep going.

By May, I could tell I'd started to let the wilderness affect my heart.  I was hot, the air felt dry, and my heart was thirsty.  I started to feel my heart begin to become guarded against expecting our circumstances to change in certain areas.  I’d been declaring, expecting, hoping for victory to manifest in several areas of our life but I had grown tired in this wilderness.  As the months passed and things seemed to actually be going backwards, I started to lose the zeal in my expectancy and my heart began to settle into places of wilderness.  The enemy began to up-the-anti on the attacks on my mind, not with outrageous lies, but with subtle compromises in my hopes.  “Maybe this really is how our life is going to always be.  Maybe things aren’t going to improve.”  I’m not going to go into the specifics of all this attack affected but I will say it touched every hope I had for my future as a wife, a mother, a daughter of the King, and it attacked my hopes for my husband & our family’s destiny.  My hope began to wane and I began to wonder if  the desert was going to be  my home.  I began to settle in the wilderness.

There was a day at the beginning of June when I was spending time with the Lord and in tears, I was asking “what to I do with this place?”  I could feel the wall up in my heart when I asked the question.  To be completely honest, it felt like I was asking the ceiling that question as much as I was asking Father.  Despite where my heart was, in His grace and kindness He answered me.  He spoke into my spirit as clearly as if He were seated on the floor with me in the flesh and he said “Madison, I want you to be brave enough to hope”.  His response stunned me.  It wasn't what I was expecting to hear at all.  I was expecting something like "Persevere, don't give up, be steadfast..."  Instead, He called me to hope.  In that word, He showed me that I’d been settling in the wilderness because I’d grown afraid to keep hoping.  At once, my eyes were opened to see what my heart was lacking and I found myself with a new weapon for the desert:  the weapon of hope.

I immediately responded to His word and grabbed onto the weapon he had extended to me.  Yes, I will be courageous enough to hope.  Those of you who are in the wilderness know: it can truly feel like it takes courage to declare hope when everything around you seems to be telling you you’re never getting out of the dessert.  There is power in agreement, especially when you're agreeing with the Father himself, and as soon as I agreed with His word I felt it completely dismantle the wall that had started to go up in my heart.  Hope flowed out like a stream in the desert.  I started to meditate on every promise of hope in the scripture.  Here are just a few:

• "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Is 40:31  We can walk in the dessert and not faint because of hope!

• "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Ps 130:5.  The word of the Lord is a trust worthy place for our hope.

• “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful…Therefore do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere for when you have done the will of God you will receive what he has promised.”  Heb 10: 23, 35-36.  We can hope unswervingly because He who promises is faithful!

• “Faith is the substance of things hoped for and certainty of things unseen.” Heb 11:1.   Hope often precedes faith.  Things hoped for make rich soil for faith to grow in.

I started to press into hope like I never had before.  I felt the Lord pouring out supernatural measures of hope as I pressed into it.  It wasn’t something I had to conjure up in myself.  It was more like I was drinking it in and letting it quench my heart.  It revived me.  This weapon destroyed any perspectives that had started to form in me that weren’t from heaven.  It protected me from the enemy’s lies.  It eradicated anxious thinking.  I started a word study on “hope” and I learned that in the Old Testament, the common Hebrew word that we translate as "hope" is "Yachal" meaning "to wait patiently".  In the New Testament, the Greek word that we translate as "hope" is "Elpis/Elpiso" meaning "to have confident expectation of good; to trust". The same English word came from two very different original connotations.  Before Jesus, one's "hope" was in waiting on God to speak or move on your behalf but people didn't have the confident expectation of good yet because they didn't have intimacy with Him.  When Jesus came, he added confidence and goodness to our "waiting" by opening the door to intimacy with Him and the kingdom. Hope/waiting became something exciting! Through Jesus, hope became more than just wishing and waiting to see what happens. It became a confident expectation that good is on its way because we know Him and his heart towards us. It is directly connected to intimacy. It still involves waiting, but there is an expectation of goodness that we now have.  How wonderful is Jesus?!  I have felt a new empowerment in the desert as I’ve continued to wield my weapon of hope.

I feel like some of you reading this are in the very place I was in in May.  You have been journeying through your own season of wilderness contending, hoping, praying and standing strong in faith but nothing seems to be happening.  All you see is desert on the horizon.  I want to encourage you, fix your eyes on the Faithful One and move them off of the terrain of the wilderness.  Do not begin to settle there.  We cannot fall into the trap of beginning to call the desert our home.  It is not and will never be our home!  We will journey through wildernesses but they are never our promised land.  We must not forget that.  The enemy would love to convince you that the wilderness is your home and therefore get you to start believing that Father’s plans for you just aren’t as good as you thought they were.  If he can get you to believe that and doubt God’s goodness, it can cause you to build a home in the wilderness and stop pressing forward to your promised land.  Don’t you dare fall for that.  You are a daughter (or son) of the King of Kings.  You know who your Father is, you know his love for you is fierce, and all of his promises are true.  Never view the wilderness as your home.  It was never intended to be your place of residence, only a place of refining.  Keep your eyes fixed on the lover of your soul and be confident of his faithfulness in the wilderness.  He is worthy of our confidence and hope in the dessert.

Be brave enough to hope again, even when promises seem postponed over and over.  Take up your weapon of hope and feel your faith growing as you wield it.  (“Faith is the EVIDENCE of things hoped for…” Hope often  precedes faith!)  We have to make sure that our hope is deeply rooted in Jesus himself, not in just what we want to receive from Him.  As I heard a sweet friend say recently "We must want the Giver more than we want the gift."  Our hope isn't in receiving a blessing, or even in the fulfillment of promises.  It's in Him, the person of Jesus.  When we put our hope in anything other than fully in Him, we open ourselves up to the possibility of growing weary in the wilderness.  When we put our hope confidently in Him, we have the promise that we will soar even when desires seem unfulfilled.  He is more concerned with our heart than our comfort.  Even if the fulfillment of a promise feels deferred again and again, he sustains through his presence. He is good.  He is always faithful.  We have this hope as an anchor for our soul; firm and secure.  Take up your weapon and thrive in your wilderness.  You will thrive in the desert when your hope is in Him and it will steady your feet as you near your promised land.

Happy Mothers Day - to mamas who are only touching motherhood with their hearts

Today was Mother's Day - a day for mamas everywhere to be honored, celebrated, appreciated and loved on in special ways. I'd felt a little apprehension in my heart this week as this day approached but I pushed it to the side hoping it was a fleeting feeling.  Sunday came and when I woke up, there it was-my heart being tempted to feel empty today. The grief of losing our baby last December surfaced and it wanted me to feel like there was a hole in my heart and to fix my eyes on it.  I wanted to be able to fully celebrate all the mamas in my life but every time I started to celebrate Mother's Day for someone, I felt like I was choking back tears. Through out the weekend, well-meaning people who didn't know me or my experiences kindly wished me a "happy Mother's Day weekend if you're a mom".  Knowing their sweet intentions, I smiled and thanked them but it would make my heart skip a beat.  I was trying to refuse anything in my heart that would keep me from celebrating other mamas, but it took some strength to muster "Happy Mothers Day" with a smile. 

I knew this wasn't where my heart needed to be or stay but I also knew I couldn't just sweep it under the rug. Grief is so good and healthy to walk through but I know that I can't fix my eyes on what I lost.  I have to keep them fixed on the One who is my hope.  I had a choice when I woke up this morning.  I could try to push my grief aside, unattended to, or I could look at it straight on and receive another opportunity to have my heart be filled to a new measure with Jesus and his goodness. He is my hope. He is the filler of empty places. When we move our eyes from what we've lost and fix them on his face, His peace and presence rushes in to fill every crevice that sadness tried to occupy.  Sometimes we can wear grief around almost like a trophy, clinging to it and even beginning to put identity into it, but we're not intended to be labeled by our losses.  We are labeled by Jesus' blood and we can walk in every provision that it released to us in every circumstance- peace that passes understanding,  joy of his presence and faith in knowing with all of our hearts that He is so good and His love for us endures forever.

I want to encourage every mama who has a child that she's not able to hold this Mother's Day (from miscarriage or any form of loss); to every mama waiting and hoping for a pregnancy to grow to full term and bring life into this world - you are seen, you are incredibly loved, and you are not alone.  If you're tempted to fix your eyes on a loss today, it is ok to feel that grief. Don't stifle it, don't deny it, but don't lay down in it. Look at it, acknowledge it and then turn your eyes to Jesus. "Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth (yes, even grief) will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." He's been with you in every step, he has grieved with you, He loves you even more fiercely than you love that life that you lost (sometimes hard to imagine!), and He calls you "Mother". You carry the name even if you have a child in your heart that you're not able to hold in your arms.  He is beckoning you to deeper levels of hope and joy in his presence as you allow him to kiss that hurting place in your heart.  He will "comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. You will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬) You are an oak of righteousness - you are a display of his splendor to the world. As you show the world what it is to take heart in Jesus in the midst of loss and grief, His name is lifted high in your life.  You are saying "my Jesus is King above EVERY other name, including grief and death."  What way to redeem a sadness.  I'm with you today in my heart and spirit, lifting high the name of Jesus over all loss. To my sisters who are waiting to touch motherhood with your hands and not just your heart - I love you and Im praying that today you feel the hope of Jesus fill you to overflowing as you look right into his eyes of love for you.

And to all my mama-sisters who are holding, soothing, training, teaching, and raising your babies...happy Mothers Day to you!  You are amazing and well deserving of celebration and honor today and everyday. I'm thankful for your faithful stewardship of a new generation to release into this world!

When trials come: taking heart in the midst of heart break - Part 2

So if you’re just joining us, I would encourage you to jump down and read part 1 before diving in.  You’ll feel much more part of the story.  We pick up here right after Zach & I found out we were pregnant and he left 4 days later for a 6 week school in Tampa, Florida.  I would have loved for him to be home for my first trimester, but fortunately the next 6 weeks that we were apart flew by!  I felt amazing!  I’m convinced I got the best pregnancy in the world – sure I had your typical first trimester tenderness, zits, food aversions, & fatigue but it was all pretty mild compared to the horror stories I heard and I was just so happy to be this baby’s mama.  It is absolutely amazing how much love & the immense sense of protection you can feel over a life you haven't met yet face to face!  I know that’s true for both biological parents and parents going through adoptions.  I was loving every second of pregnancy - well, almost every one :).  I’d sit and pray over the room that would be the nursery, I wrote prayers for the baby in my journal, I started a journal for the baby that we would give it one day that had the words we heard Father speak over their life, and I even went ahead and ordered my favorite Dr Seuss books to have on hand (because surely our kid would be reading fresh out the womb?!).  I’m a planner & researcher by nature and by the time Zach got home from Tampa I was fully ready to report on my top choices for a Pack N Play, stroller, car seat, crib & I’d enrolled us in our childbirth classes.  Lets do this!  He got home a week before Christmas and I was so glad he was back for us to enjoy this personal season & the Christmas season together.

We had a 12 week OB appointment 4 days after he got home (Monday, Dec 19) and I was eagerly anticipating this step that we would get to take in this pregnancy together.  We arrived at the office and were walked back to the exam room.  We talked with our provider about how healthy I’d been and all the things I’d done to make sure I was giving this baby its very best start to life.  After reviewing my lifestyle and history, she told me “You can’t get more healthy then you are honey!” <> I gladly put that awkward gown on and laid on the table for the ultrasound.  It was in that moment that we realized our season was changing.  They looked, listened and searched but they couldn’t find a heartbeat.  We watched the screen for what felt like ages as they tried different angles & different types of ultrasounds.  I realized at one point that I had been holding my breath so I quickly took a deep breath and said from my heart to the baby’s “beat, you little heart!”.  The baby was several weeks behind in development and they gently and graciously told me that I’d had a “missed-miscarriage”.  My body showed absolutely no signs of miscarriage and my hormones had stayed high for a pregnancy.  I was feeling the symptoms of pregnancy but there was no longer life in the baby.  Zach put his hand on mine as they began to explain the situation but we were both in shock.  They told us they wanted to send us for a second ultrasound on a stronger machine to confirm things at their sister practice.  We agreed but it wasn’t able to be scheduled until about 36 hours later.  We had the rest of that day & a whole day in between to wait. 

There was dead silence & tear soaked faces on our ride home.  We were both processing what we’d just been told with the Lord.  I told Zach when we got home that I was going to take a little time to myself.  I went and sat in my car and put worship music on & I wept & I sang.  As I prayed, I began to feel a boldness rise up in me in the face of what looked like tragedy.  I determined there in my car that the enemy would have ABSOLUTELY NO foothold in my heart in this.  I knew he was prowling around this situation looking for a place he could get in and I was not having it.  I declared it out loud “You do not get one inch of victory in this! (I don’t advise always yelling at the devil –he’s not normally worth our breath, but it just came out here) Jesus, you have overcome and made me an overcomer.  I love you.  You are always good; you are always faithful; you are near to the broken hearted; you have plans to prosper our family that bring us hope and a future…”  In tears, I began to declare everything that the Lord brought to my mind that spoke truth over this situation.  I wasn’t denying my heart brokenness, but as I chose to worship the Lord I felt His peace come in and fill the car.  The sadness was still there, the grief was still there but there was peace.  I realized then that the lesson the Lord taught me as I learned to praise him through negative pregnancy tests was the same lesson that would help sustain me today in this.  My response, no matter what my circumstance, can be thanks and praise for who He is.  It isn’t denying the reality of this world, it isn’t denying sadness, it is just declaring a higher truth that he has given me all I need in Jesus to deal with this life.  Grief doesn’t define me.  I feel it, I may experience it, but it never consumes me.  As I denied the enemy a foot hold in my heart, I had another realization in that car.  We were still waiting on a second ultrasound – and this isn’t over till its over!  I’ll be dang’d (yes, Dang’d!) if I’m going to throw my hands in the air and give up on this little life if there is one ounce of hope that the life could be restored. (Doesn’t your southern come out more when you’re fighting for something??)  I am this baby’s mama, and I am going to fight for its life in prayer and faith with all that I have until we know without a doubt that life isn’t being restored.  The mama lion in me lifted her head like I’d never felt before.  I went inside and told Zach “I don’t know how you’re feeling or how you’re grieving and I don’t want to be insensitive to that, but I have to tell you what I’m believing for.  I am not accepting death until we know from that second ultrasound that there is absolutely no chance of life.  The Lord is a god of miracles and He can restore a heartbeat to a lifeless baby in my womb.  That is what I’m praying and believing for!  This baby has a destiny and this world will be blessed because of its life.  I have to declare it will live in Jesus name!”  Zach said he was feeling the exact same way so we entered into the next day and a half standing in faith together & contending for a miracle.  We weren’t in denial of what the ultrasound said, but our God is bigger.  We were standing for the miraculous in faith until there was no other option.  We messaged our prayer warrior friends and let them know what we were believing for and asked them to join us in this bold prayer for Jesus to restore a perfectly healthy life.  Whatever the reason this baby stopped growing, whether is was a chromosomal mismatch or something else, He could completely heal and restore it.

Over the next 36 hours, Zach and I flexed our faith muscles in more strength than I think we ever have for something before.  That second day, the Tuesday of just waiting, was the hardest day for me in all of this.  It was such a strange place of my mama’s heart wanting to begin to grieve , but also wanting to put off grief to stand and declare a miracle.  That day had huge ups and downs for me.  I decided to work that day since I would be alone delivering a few Christmas gifts to offices and I could do that relatively easily with no one knowing what was going on to bring it up. Maybe that was not the best idea in hind sight, but I didn’t want to just sit at home all day with heaviness on my heart.  I’d love to say I was a rock of unwavering faith that entire day, but I had several moments of exhaustion.  One moment I would be driving to deliver a Christmas basket while praying boldly and declaring in faith “Thank you Lord that you are the giver of life and you can resurrect this baby in me.  The first report isn’t the last report.  I speak to you baby Brinson-live!”  The next moment I would be sobbing in my car “I just want my baby back”.  Despite the ups and downs, I felt such a grace over me that day.  I didn’t feel weak in the moments that I just wanted to cry.  I didn’t feel like I was failing in faith for a miracle.  I felt like I was letting grief come out of me.  I didn’t try to push it back or stifle it.  I just refused to lay down under it. I let it come out how ever it needed to, and then I rallied again.  I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard or long in my life.  I was exhausted at the end of that day.  I got home and processed the day with Zach & he felt the same way.  We’d received so many texts throughout the day of our friends praying, declaring life & encouraging us.  It was so sweet to know we weren’t contending for this alone.  There were people holding our arms up for us in prayer.  When we were exhausted, our friends were interceding for us.  My parents came over that night to intercede with us.  I can’t tell you what peace it brought me to just sit and listen to someone else pray over the situation.  I didn’t have to muster or rally in those moments, I could let someone else’s faith carry me while I took a deep breath.  At the end of that day, my last prayer was “Lord, I’ve given you everything I have for this.  I’ve given you all the faith I have.  Please take what I’ve given you and put it with what you have.  If you can take 5 loaves and 2 fish and feed 5,000, I know you can take what I’ve given you and make a baby live.”  We’d done all we could, and the rest was out of our hands.  Zach and I were able to go to bed that night with more peace in our hearts than we’d felt in 24 hours.  We both slept deeply and woke up the next morning rested to go to the second appointment. 

OK, since I told you in Part I of this story that I love transparency, I’m going to be real with you.  I woke up that Wednesday morning and as I began to get ready, I was playing the song “God of miracles” in my bathroom.  I began to sing that song and tears filled my eyes.  I wanted to be a flaming beacon of faith that was ready to run head first into that appointment, but in my heart I just didn’t want to go at all.  I would love to say that from the moment my eyes opened that morning, I was confident we were about to see a miracle, but my heart was in my stomach while I got ready.  I went downstairs to grab a bite of breakfast and Zach asked me how I was feeling.  I burst into tears again and said “I don’t want to go do this!”  He hugged me and spoke strength over me, and I rallied for this baby once more.  As we drove to the appointment we prayed together, rejoiced in miracles, and recalled testimonies of life being restored in scripture.   We went into that office united in faith and ready to receive whatever the report would say.  We could confidently rest in knowing we’d given this baby all we had.  It was so loved and fought for.  We had the second ultrasound and the outcome was still no heartbeat.  We had a choice in that moment to question God and/or question ourselves, but we knew neither one needed questioning.  We know God’s goodness, and we know we gave this our all in faith and prayer.  We could rest in knowing we did everything we could, and know there are great plans instore for our family that bring hope and a future.  The enemy often tries to get people to ask “Why” after something doesn’t go our way, but asking “Why” is rarely fruitful.  It usually just gets people thinking in circles and constructs a barrier to keep them from moving forward.   Bill Johnson says “If you want to have the peace that surpasses understanding, sometimes you have to give up your right to understand.”  It takes great trust to not feel the need to ask “why”, and we want to walk in great trust.  We didn’t ask why because it didn’t matter.  There was nothing more we could have done to change the outcome and we have great peace in that.  Our family may not be growing in number on earth, but it certainly grew in faith and unity.  Zach and I united to fight for this life and it brought us closer than we may have ever felt before.  We supported each other at a level that we’ve never had to before.  As I’ve been reflecting on this, I’ve found myself thankful that, if this was going to happen, it was during the Christmas season.  We’d already sent out our pregnancy Christmas card announcements and at first I regretted that immensely, but as I thought about it I became thankful that more people would know about that sweet life and celebrate it with us no matter how short.  Christmas is so full of the hope of Jesus.  There is so much joy in the atmosphere everywhere this time of year that I’ve been able to be encouraged by.  It was 4 days before Christmas that this happened and even though we can’t have our baby here with us, we can celebrate its short life and celebrate another baby that did make it into this world who is the reason we can have peace in this situation. 

In moving through this situation, we felt led to name the baby.  We both felt like it was a girl so we’re calling her by her name.  Some people may think that’s unnecessary, strange or even dramatic, but I threw myself into being her mama from the day we found out about her.  We believe she was & is significant and I want to honor her little life in every way that I can.  I hesitated to share this part but I kept going back to the fact that I’m celebrating her, and this is part of that celebration for me.  We’ve named her “Ezra” which means “help, or helper”.  Oh, did she help me.  In the weeks that Ezra was alive in my body and heart, she helped me more than I could ever express in words.  I loved every moment of being her mama here and I will never forget what she’s given me.  She helped a part of my heart come dancing alive that I didn’t even realize was dormant.  She helped released a joy in me that is unlike any I’ve ever felt.  She helped reveal a sense of purpose in my life that had never surfaced before and that I know will only grow in the future with her siblings.  She helped me and Zach unify for something like we never have before and grow in strength together.  She helped me learn to press into Jesus for sustenance in a new way.  She showed me a lens that I’ve never had to look through before to see, in a new way, that He truly has given me all I need for any circumstance in this life.  I’m so grateful for her help and how Father has used her in my life.

 

I wanted to share all of this with you because it was so helpful to me.  Thank you for letting me process with you.  I also wanted to share so those who knew about our pregnancy & those that didn't know what happened and that you hear straight from my heart: We are at peace.  I want you to know that its ok with us to acknowledge this.  I have so appreciated it when friends and family have pressed through any perceived awkwardness to bring this up and ask how I’m doing.  I hate elephants in the room, and I certainly don’t want this to be one.  I appreciate it when people recognize it either through words, a text or just a huge hug to empathize with me.  It makes me know that someone is standing here with me.  For me personally, it also helps me heal as I’m able to celebrate Ezra's life and share my heart.  I realize not everyone is like this, and you may not know that about me unless I explained it but there it is!  I see this as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and nearness in times of pain.  In Isaiah 61 we have the promise that “he gives beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” He is making these exchanges in my heart more deeply with each new day and His mercies continue to be new every morning.  I could never do this life without Him and I’d never want to.  Jesus told us “…in this life, you will have trials, BUT.TAKE.HEART, for I have overcome the world” (Jn 16:33)  He is the overcomer, and he passes that to me as an inheritance.

Any strength you may have seen in this story is truly only because of Jesus and what He provided for us through the cross.  Through knowing Him and relationship with him, He has given us all we need to journey through this life.  Struggle, despair, even death have no victory because He has overcome for us.  Jesus gives us his strength as if it were our very own and through him we can do all things.  (Phil 4:13) We can’t do all things by going around Him or even being beside him – we must go THROUGH Him.  He is the door to freedom.  If you see anything in this post, see Jesus.  See Him and his faithfulness.   See Him and the goodness of his presence in the middle of trials.  He is love and he is unchanging.  I want to leave you with one of my favorite songs.  It is the song Zach and I had played at our wedding and it was the first song our ears heard together as husband and wife.  We chose it because we wanted it to be the declaration and foundation of our family for the rest of our lives.  Here we are 2.5 years later still declaring it as our foundation.  I sing it when I’m celebrating, I sing it when I’m in a struggle, I sing it when I’m confused to realign my heart with truth.  The more you listen to it, the more it grows with in you and becomes an anthem.  I feel a progression every time I sing it in times of trouble – often I’m declaring it first to myself, reminding my own heart of its truth.  Then I move to declaring it with my whole heart to the Lord in worship.  Lastly, I declare it with the Lord out loud so the enemy knows what I stand on.  If you’re in a season of struggle, try moving through it and see what happens in your spirit.  I promise you will feel yourself coming into alignment with truth and the peace that accompanies that.  Bless you friends!  Thank you again so much for letting me share.  It has helped me greatly.  May the joy of the Lord be your strength.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s25--3HRsBQ

When trials come: taking heart in the midst of heartbreak - Part I

I've been a little silent on social media lately, and this story is going to let you in on why.  If you read through part 2, you'll see it doesn't have the ending that we all hope stories will have, but there is still good within the story, and I want to share that with you.  Honestly, sharing this will probably benefit me more than it will anyone else so thank you for letting me share!  I want to be as real as possible with this so it will have to be in two parts.  With out further a due, I invite you to share in a big part of my life from this year.

I need to start us off with a quick back story at the beginning of 2016– January to be exact.  Zach and I had talked through out the latter part of 2015 and felt like January of 2016 was the time we’d like to start trying to grow our family.  I’d been the one pushing for it and was so excited at the thought of kiddos – that is until January arrived.  When we came to the time we thought we’d start adding some arrows to our quiver, all of a sudden I wanted to pump the breaks.  I didn’t feel excited, I didn’t want to be pregnant, I wanted to wait.  This wasn’t normal for me -I’d been thrilled about this in the last half of 2015.  Strange!  What was going on?  I quickly realized that what I was experiencing wasn’t from within me, it was a source outside of me trying, through fear, to keep me from stepping into our next chapter as a family.  From January through March, the enemy bombarded my mind with lies about pregnancy and motherhood that I had to recognize and replace with God’s truth.  Pregnancy isn’t a nightmare & children aren’t unbearable burdens.  Every time I opened any social media outlet, it seemed like there was a blog, status update, photo or snapchat of a “flaming martyr of a mom story” about torturous pregnancies, monster children, feeling alone & in the dark with no way out, seeing no reward in motherhood, kids sucking the life out of you and it never coming back etc. etc.  I started to think “Why in the world would anyone want this?”  I realize now that those things were being strategically placed in front of me to attempt to instill fear and keep me from the promises of God over our family.  I’d like to take this opportunity to give a sidebar word to the wise:  Mom’s, I urge you to be careful what words you release into the world about motherhood and children.  The role of mother is a sacred gift.  It is the biggest sacrifice you will probably ever make, but it is still a gift.  As mothers, your words are powerful.  I’m not encouraging anyone to be fake – hopefully you can tell from my posts that I’m all about transparency!  I’m not saying you shouldn’t share when you have a struggle.  You should!  Let that stuff out.  Be real, be authentic, be transparent.  What I am saying is that if you have to resort to constant extreme negativity to make your voice heard, maybe the world doesn’t need that released to the masses.  Yes, I realize there are challenges, pains, and moments where you’re ready to throw in the towel.  I realize we all need a safe place to vent and share struggles, but share those with people who will love you and speak life into you.  Don’t share them with masses of total strangers and leave your words with no message of hope.  This world doesn’t need more negativity to feed on.  **It also doesn’t need more fake projections of a perfect life** It needs to see authentic people who have lived through a struggle and found hope and victory on the other side.  The world needs to see strength to be inspired to be strong.  As believers, if our story doesn’t show hope & victory yet, then its not over. 

Ok, I’m off the soap box.  Back to the story, for those first three months of 2016, I prayed, pressed into truth and worked to kick the enemy out of my mentality towards motherhood.  I knew what I was hearing in my mind wasn’t truth and it wasn’t from God, so it didn’t belong in my life.  It finally broke off in March and by April I was totally, joyfully and eagerly ready to be pregnant.  We were so excited to see what the Lord would do now that I’d come out of that season!  I was thinking it would be an immediate pregnancy-victory.  You know, how perfect would that be?  Celebrate victory over a three month battle against negativity towards motherhood by getting pregnant – yes!  Take that devil!  Close the chapter, draw the curtain and onto motherhood.  Nice idea, right?  Well, I thought so.  Month one and two went by and no pregnancy.  It was still very early on and we’d been told that it usually doesn’t happen immediately, so my joy was still high and I looked forward to the next month where I was sure we would get pregnant.  As months 3 - 5 passed, I began to feel a twinge of disappointment in my heart each month when I would realize I wasn’t pregnant.  I’d sit in my bathroom, sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks, after seeing a negative test or after the evidence came that my body was not growing a baby.  I’d give myself a pep talk about how Father’s timing is perfect and I’d remind myself that He had never failed us…but those twinges of disappointment were still there.  There is a Proverb that says “A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  (Prov 13:12)  I was feeling the first part of this verse, and to be honest I didn’t like that my heart’s response to not getting what I wanted when I wanted it was disappointment and sadness.  That sounds super selfish when you look at it that way, doesn’t it?  Well, I took that to the Lord & I told him that.  “Father, I don’t like that my response to not being pregnant each month is sadness.  I know you offer supernatural joy that is not contingent on my circumstances and I want to take hold of that in this.  I want my response to always be thanks and praise for who you are, weather I see a positive test next month or not.”  I can have the exact same response to two opposite outcomes because of who He is, not because of what life looks like. 

In these months I began to focus less on pregnancy, and more on letting Father refine my heart.  My desire to have a baby was wonderful, God-given, and still strong but I’d taken it down from a pedestal in my heart that it didn’t need to be on and I worked to put the joy of the Lord back there.  The first few months I pressed into this response, it didn’t come effortlessly.  I would feel discouraged with a negative test but I would choose to worship in the face of discouragement.  Worship has a way of aligning our perspective with heaven’s.  It sets our hearts on things above and not on things here.  As I practiced this month over month, thanks and praise did begin to become my natural response to something that would normally tempt me to be discouraged. (Side Note:  We are called to co-labor with Christ to produce the kingdom in our life – that means we have to put in some work folks!  We have to renew our minds with Him.  Its not about works, because Jesus has given us access to all we need for life and godliness, but we do have to choose to cooperate with Him.  We can’t sit and beg for our lives to show fruit that we haven’t worked with Him to cultivate in ourselves).  As I co-labored with Him, my heart went back to the scripture “Give thanks to God in ALL circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.”  (1 Thess 5:18)  It doesn’t tell us “give thanks to God when things go the way you want”.  It says give thanks in ALL circumstances.  This is His will for us, not because he’s a heartless King and doesn’t care how we feel.  It’s the exact opposite!  He asks this of us because he knows the benefit that thankfulness brings to a heart.  I’d also like to point out that it says “Give thanks IN all circumstances”, not “Give thanks FOR all circumstances.”  He doesn’t expect us to be thankful for every struggle, sadness, or trial.  He asks us to be thankful IN them.  We can go through a challenge and still see His hand working all things for the good even when the situation itself may be undesirable.  We can move our eyes from our trial and fix them on Him and find thankfulness for His nearness.  Thankfulness is a huge cure to discontentment.  We can give thanks in every circumstance because God’s goodness and love for us don’t change with our circumstances.  Our thanks should always be rooted more in who He is than what He does for us in life.  He is always good.  He is always faithful.  He is always love.  He is always truth.  He is always for us.  When our circumstances don’t seem to declare these things, we can give him an offering of praise because we know who He is despite what our circumstances may be tempting us to believe.  I’m of the personal belief that praises we offer Him during seasons of struggle are some of the absolute sweetest to Him.  They are praises of a warrior who is standing tall in battle, refusing to surrender to circumstances.  We aren’t offering the praises to manipulate Him or to try to persuade Him to move his hand on our behalf.  We are offering them because he is Jesus, He is King, He loves us, and we know He is for us.  If you’re not at that place of defaulting to thanks and praise yet, like I wasn’t in this situation in these months, just tell Him and he will help you!  He loves to give us his strength and walk us into freedom.

By the time month 6 & 7 rolled around with no pregnancy still, I can honestly say that my heart was being made new.  I didn’t feel the sadness like I used to.  I still hoped & longed for a positive test, but I didn’t fall apart when it wasn’t there.  On Halloween morning, in month 7,  I was in my bathroom holding an unused test it in my hand and I said “Jesus, no matter what this is about to say, I love you.  You are so good to me.”  I said it with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, not because of any result, but because of where I saw He had taken my heart.  Again – I wasn’t necessarily thanking and praising him that I wasn’t pregnant if I was a negative.  I was thanking and praising Him for who he is and his good plans for us, regardless of the test’s answer.  Its ok to long with your whole heart for something, as long as that desire doesn’t cause you to put your contentment in something other than Jesus.  On this October morning my heart was different from the times I’d been here before.  I was ready to take the test with peace in my heart no matter what.  I took the test and there it was – a beautiful, urine-decoded (+).  I slumped to the floor hands over my face and all I could say over and over again was “Thank you so much.  Thank you so much.  Thank you so much!”.  Those of you who have experienced that know its hard to put that joy into words.  It is a precious feeling!

Telling Zach was my second favorite part of that morning.  It was so much fun to celebrate together.  It came at such a wild time for us because he was leaving in 4 days for a 6 week school in Tampa, Florida.  We would basically be apart for my entire first trimester, but I didn’t mind!  I was so thrilled that I was pregnant and that we wouldn’t have to wait until he got back to get this baby in my belly J  Plus, in his favor – he would miss what can be the moodiest part of pregnancy so how convenient is that for all parties involved?  We decided to tell our immediate family & closest friends together before he left since we wouldn’t have another opportunity until my second trimester to tell the news together and it was so much fun to share that joy with them.  It was a bittersweet send off for him four days later.  We were beyond grateful for the new adventures the Lord was giving us in multiple areas of our life but we would miss walking through them together in person.  Alright, by now I have probably blogged your ear off, so I will post the rest of the story tomorrow!  I hope you come back and share the rest of it with me. Before you get excited, I will warn you that it has an unexpected end that we would never wish for , but it does end with hope J

Expectations and hiking through a storm

Hello friends!  Long time no blog right?  I always have the intention of posting more "regularly" and somehow it always gets away from me.  I just wanted to share a little experience I had last week while in Colorado for work.  It feels like I usually work non-stop on work trips but when I'm in Denver I squeeze in a trip to Red Rocks Park as often as I can.  It has become one of my favorite places in the states. It is breathtaking. You think the view can't get any better than what you see when you arrive but with every turn of the trail it keeps getting more and more beautiful. For me, being surrounded by nature, especially mountains, stirs my spirit in such a deep way.  I know many of you feel the same!  I feel so close to Father and hear him speak through creation in such sweet ways.

Today my hiking escapade contained my spiritual reminder. I started off up the Red Rocks Trail with my iPod playing the new Housefires album and my journal in hand. I was soaking up the beauty of everything around me, worshipping while I hiked.  It was having a blast, singing out loud, hands in the air, probably looking like a crazy person to my fellow hikers but, hey, if you can't have fun in worship, when can you? :)  I was looking forward to getting to the top so I could enjoy the view and journal- an activity I'd neglected for the last several months.  I finally reached top, caught my breath (that Denver altitude change ain't a joke), and found a great spot with a beautiful view to sit and write.  I started processing on paper and suddenly, around one paragraph in, I started to feel little rain drops. I thought "oh surely this is just a little shower" and was certain it would pass quickly. It didn't even seem very cloudy and I wasn't about to quit journaling after just 10 minutes of being on top of the mountain!  Get it together Mother Nature!  I hiked all this way to have that time with the Lord.  Well, the sprinkle didn't go away so, persistantly, I moved myself under a tree.  I was still convinced that it was going to pass and I'd enjoy the mountain top.  Then the thunder started to rumble :/ The rain picked up and I realized that it was on its way to being an all out downpour.  So much for my girl scout merritt badge in reading weather.  I surrendered to the elements, closed my journal, got up and took one more look across the mountain before turning to head down. I thought "Man, Lord, I was really looking forward to our time together up here and journaling with you. I drove out here and hiked all this way to have it."

I felt a little disappointed as I made my way back to the trail. It was in that moment, the Lord had a word for me.  You know what he said?  Ever so lovingly and gently he said "Can you not see my majesty in the rain as much as in a beautiful sunset that you thought would be waiting for you?  Can you not hear my splendor in the thunder as much as in the wind rustling the trees?  Do you not feel my presence in rain drops as much as in the breeze?  Is my presence not tangible in all of it?  Is it not all beautiful?"  Immediately, my perspective changed  and I said "Yes!  I can see you!".  My heart shifted to a new rhythm of worship- one very different from the journey up the mountain. This one was less comfortable at first (and it was going to require me to wash my hair).  I was getting drenched and cold but my heart swelled with joy as I made my way down the trail.  I hiked back down that mountain enjoying being soaked as much as I enjoyed being warm and dry on the way up. He reminded me that in life, so often we can have a expectation of what a mountain top should look or feel like. When we arrive there, if it doesn't meet our expectation we can feel disappointed or like we've missed out on something. The Lord simply wants us to be able to change our perspective and see Him wether there is sun at the top or a thunder storm.  He is in both.  We just have to shift our perspective to see him. He is worthy of praise in what ever the top of the mountain holds, rain or shine.  He is present and speaking in both.  Maybe you've gotten to the top of a mountain you've been climbing and it hasn't been what you expected.  Maybe a job, a ministry calling, a marriage, a child... is looking different than you expected.  Take heart, shift your perspective, rise above your former expectation and find Him there.  He is there calling you to see Him and, most likely, what he has to show you about himself is better than what you were expecting any ways.  He's good like that. Then He might even have you hike back down for some dinner at Chipotle!  Tell me that's not heavenly ;)

First steps on the trail

Climbing...

Made it to the top!

This view!!  I could have stayed there for hours (but you've read the post, you know what happened :)

My favorite picture from the trip.  "Where can I go from your presence?  Where can I flee from you?  Even if I run to the highest mountain you are there."