Hope: A weapon in the desert

I have been trying to get a post out for a few weeks now but I kept struggling to figure out how to say everything that has been in my heart.  I've realized there is no way to make that happen in one post so I'm going to try share over several posts (hopefully I'll get them out by Christmas!).  Today, I want to share about how the Lord has burned the word "hope" into me over the last few months.  I hope that it can encourage anyone who might need to see the power that it holds.  It is a mighty weapon that I didn’t realize the strength of until Father showed it to me.  Hope helps bring down mental strong holds; it helps protect against lies from the enemy;  it pushes us to align our perspective with heaven’s;  it stomps out anxiety; it is fertile soil where faith can grow.  If you're journeying through any thing that feels like a wilderness, I hope this post encourages your heart :)

Zach and I walked into a lot of unexpected things at the beginning of this year.  You could call it a wilderness season.  We felt a little like Abraham, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” (Heb 11:8)  We started out the year walking in the direction of the Lords voice, but having no idea where it was taking us.  I found myself at the end of myself multiple times over the first 6 months of 2017 (I didn’t know it was possible to get to the end of yourself so repeatedly in such a short period of time. ::humbling::).  I would reach a place where I felt like I had nothing left in me and Father would remind me again and again that it’s never my own strength he wants me to walk in, in any area of my life.  Often times we don’t see all the ways we’re relying on our own strength until new circumstances put that strength to the test and it is found lacking.  When I found myself in those places of refining, that’s where Lord would come in His goodness and fill me up with Himself to keep going.

By May, I could tell I'd started to let the wilderness affect my heart.  I was hot, the air felt dry, and my heart was thirsty.  I started to feel my heart begin to become guarded against expecting our circumstances to change in certain areas.  I’d been declaring, expecting, hoping for victory to manifest in several areas of our life but I had grown tired in this wilderness.  As the months passed and things seemed to actually be going backwards, I started to lose the zeal in my expectancy and my heart began to settle into places of wilderness.  The enemy began to up-the-anti on the attacks on my mind, not with outrageous lies, but with subtle compromises in my hopes.  “Maybe this really is how our life is going to always be.  Maybe things aren’t going to improve.”  I’m not going to go into the specifics of all this attack affected but I will say it touched every hope I had for my future as a wife, a mother, a daughter of the King, and it attacked my hopes for my husband & our family’s destiny.  My hope began to wane and I began to wonder if  the desert was going to be  my home.  I began to settle in the wilderness.

There was a day at the beginning of June when I was spending time with the Lord and in tears, I was asking “what to I do with this place?”  I could feel the wall up in my heart when I asked the question.  To be completely honest, it felt like I was asking the ceiling that question as much as I was asking Father.  Despite where my heart was, in His grace and kindness He answered me.  He spoke into my spirit as clearly as if He were seated on the floor with me in the flesh and he said “Madison, I want you to be brave enough to hope”.  His response stunned me.  It wasn't what I was expecting to hear at all.  I was expecting something like "Persevere, don't give up, be steadfast..."  Instead, He called me to hope.  In that word, He showed me that I’d been settling in the wilderness because I’d grown afraid to keep hoping.  At once, my eyes were opened to see what my heart was lacking and I found myself with a new weapon for the desert:  the weapon of hope.

I immediately responded to His word and grabbed onto the weapon he had extended to me.  Yes, I will be courageous enough to hope.  Those of you who are in the wilderness know: it can truly feel like it takes courage to declare hope when everything around you seems to be telling you you’re never getting out of the dessert.  There is power in agreement, especially when you're agreeing with the Father himself, and as soon as I agreed with His word I felt it completely dismantle the wall that had started to go up in my heart.  Hope flowed out like a stream in the desert.  I started to meditate on every promise of hope in the scripture.  Here are just a few:

• "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Is 40:31  We can walk in the dessert and not faint because of hope!

• "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Ps 130:5.  The word of the Lord is a trust worthy place for our hope.

• “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful…Therefore do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere for when you have done the will of God you will receive what he has promised.”  Heb 10: 23, 35-36.  We can hope unswervingly because He who promises is faithful!

• “Faith is the substance of things hoped for and certainty of things unseen.” Heb 11:1.   Hope often precedes faith.  Things hoped for make rich soil for faith to grow in.

I started to press into hope like I never had before.  I felt the Lord pouring out supernatural measures of hope as I pressed into it.  It wasn’t something I had to conjure up in myself.  It was more like I was drinking it in and letting it quench my heart.  It revived me.  This weapon destroyed any perspectives that had started to form in me that weren’t from heaven.  It protected me from the enemy’s lies.  It eradicated anxious thinking.  I started a word study on “hope” and I learned that in the Old Testament, the common Hebrew word that we translate as "hope" is "Yachal" meaning "to wait patiently".  In the New Testament, the Greek word that we translate as "hope" is "Elpis/Elpiso" meaning "to have confident expectation of good; to trust". The same English word came from two very different original connotations.  Before Jesus, one's "hope" was in waiting on God to speak or move on your behalf but people didn't have the confident expectation of good yet because they didn't have intimacy with Him.  When Jesus came, he added confidence and goodness to our "waiting" by opening the door to intimacy with Him and the kingdom. Hope/waiting became something exciting! Through Jesus, hope became more than just wishing and waiting to see what happens. It became a confident expectation that good is on its way because we know Him and his heart towards us. It is directly connected to intimacy. It still involves waiting, but there is an expectation of goodness that we now have.  How wonderful is Jesus?!  I have felt a new empowerment in the desert as I’ve continued to wield my weapon of hope.

I feel like some of you reading this are in the very place I was in in May.  You have been journeying through your own season of wilderness contending, hoping, praying and standing strong in faith but nothing seems to be happening.  All you see is desert on the horizon.  I want to encourage you, fix your eyes on the Faithful One and move them off of the terrain of the wilderness.  Do not begin to settle there.  We cannot fall into the trap of beginning to call the desert our home.  It is not and will never be our home!  We will journey through wildernesses but they are never our promised land.  We must not forget that.  The enemy would love to convince you that the wilderness is your home and therefore get you to start believing that Father’s plans for you just aren’t as good as you thought they were.  If he can get you to believe that and doubt God’s goodness, it can cause you to build a home in the wilderness and stop pressing forward to your promised land.  Don’t you dare fall for that.  You are a daughter (or son) of the King of Kings.  You know who your Father is, you know his love for you is fierce, and all of his promises are true.  Never view the wilderness as your home.  It was never intended to be your place of residence, only a place of refining.  Keep your eyes fixed on the lover of your soul and be confident of his faithfulness in the wilderness.  He is worthy of our confidence and hope in the dessert.

Be brave enough to hope again, even when promises seem postponed over and over.  Take up your weapon of hope and feel your faith growing as you wield it.  (“Faith is the EVIDENCE of things hoped for…” Hope often  precedes faith!)  We have to make sure that our hope is deeply rooted in Jesus himself, not in just what we want to receive from Him.  As I heard a sweet friend say recently "We must want the Giver more than we want the gift."  Our hope isn't in receiving a blessing, or even in the fulfillment of promises.  It's in Him, the person of Jesus.  When we put our hope in anything other than fully in Him, we open ourselves up to the possibility of growing weary in the wilderness.  When we put our hope confidently in Him, we have the promise that we will soar even when desires seem unfulfilled.  He is more concerned with our heart than our comfort.  Even if the fulfillment of a promise feels deferred again and again, he sustains through his presence. He is good.  He is always faithful.  We have this hope as an anchor for our soul; firm and secure.  Take up your weapon and thrive in your wilderness.  You will thrive in the desert when your hope is in Him and it will steady your feet as you near your promised land.

Happy Mothers Day - to mamas who are only touching motherhood with their hearts

Today was Mother's Day - a day for mamas everywhere to be honored, celebrated, appreciated and loved on in special ways. I'd felt a little apprehension in my heart this week as this day approached but I pushed it to the side hoping it was a fleeting feeling.  Sunday came and when I woke up, there it was-my heart being tempted to feel empty today. The grief of losing our baby last December surfaced and it wanted me to feel like there was a hole in my heart and to fix my eyes on it.  I wanted to be able to fully celebrate all the mamas in my life but every time I started to celebrate Mother's Day for someone, I felt like I was choking back tears. Through out the weekend, well-meaning people who didn't know me or my experiences kindly wished me a "happy Mother's Day weekend if you're a mom".  Knowing their sweet intentions, I smiled and thanked them but it would make my heart skip a beat.  I was trying to refuse anything in my heart that would keep me from celebrating other mamas, but it took some strength to muster "Happy Mothers Day" with a smile. 

I knew this wasn't where my heart needed to be or stay but I also knew I couldn't just sweep it under the rug. Grief is so good and healthy to walk through but I know that I can't fix my eyes on what I lost.  I have to keep them fixed on the One who is my hope.  I had a choice when I woke up this morning.  I could try to push my grief aside, unattended to, or I could look at it straight on and receive another opportunity to have my heart be filled to a new measure with Jesus and his goodness. He is my hope. He is the filler of empty places. When we move our eyes from what we've lost and fix them on his face, His peace and presence rushes in to fill every crevice that sadness tried to occupy.  Sometimes we can wear grief around almost like a trophy, clinging to it and even beginning to put identity into it, but we're not intended to be labeled by our losses.  We are labeled by Jesus' blood and we can walk in every provision that it released to us in every circumstance- peace that passes understanding,  joy of his presence and faith in knowing with all of our hearts that He is so good and His love for us endures forever.

I want to encourage every mama who has a child that she's not able to hold this Mother's Day (from miscarriage or any form of loss); to every mama waiting and hoping for a pregnancy to grow to full term and bring life into this world - you are seen, you are incredibly loved, and you are not alone.  If you're tempted to fix your eyes on a loss today, it is ok to feel that grief. Don't stifle it, don't deny it, but don't lay down in it. Look at it, acknowledge it and then turn your eyes to Jesus. "Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth (yes, even grief) will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." He's been with you in every step, he has grieved with you, He loves you even more fiercely than you love that life that you lost (sometimes hard to imagine!), and He calls you "Mother". You carry the name even if you have a child in your heart that you're not able to hold in your arms.  He is beckoning you to deeper levels of hope and joy in his presence as you allow him to kiss that hurting place in your heart.  He will "comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. You will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬) You are an oak of righteousness - you are a display of his splendor to the world. As you show the world what it is to take heart in Jesus in the midst of loss and grief, His name is lifted high in your life.  You are saying "my Jesus is King above EVERY other name, including grief and death."  What way to redeem a sadness.  I'm with you today in my heart and spirit, lifting high the name of Jesus over all loss. To my sisters who are waiting to touch motherhood with your hands and not just your heart - I love you and Im praying that today you feel the hope of Jesus fill you to overflowing as you look right into his eyes of love for you.

And to all my mama-sisters who are holding, soothing, training, teaching, and raising your babies...happy Mothers Day to you!  You are amazing and well deserving of celebration and honor today and everyday. I'm thankful for your faithful stewardship of a new generation to release into this world!

When trials come: taking heart in the midst of heart break - Part 2

So if you’re just joining us, I would encourage you to jump down and read part 1 before diving in.  You’ll feel much more part of the story.  We pick up here right after Zach & I found out we were pregnant and he left 4 days later for a 6 week school in Tampa, Florida.  I would have loved for him to be home for my first trimester, but fortunately the next 6 weeks that we were apart flew by!  I felt amazing!  I’m convinced I got the best pregnancy in the world – sure I had your typical first trimester tenderness, zits, food aversions, & fatigue but it was all pretty mild compared to the horror stories I heard and I was just so happy to be this baby’s mama.  It is absolutely amazing how much love & the immense sense of protection you can feel over a life you haven't met yet face to face!  I know that’s true for both biological parents and parents going through adoptions.  I was loving every second of pregnancy - well, almost every one :).  I’d sit and pray over the room that would be the nursery, I wrote prayers for the baby in my journal, I started a journal for the baby that we would give it one day that had the words we heard Father speak over their life, and I even went ahead and ordered my favorite Dr Seuss books to have on hand (because surely our kid would be reading fresh out the womb?!).  I’m a planner & researcher by nature and by the time Zach got home from Tampa I was fully ready to report on my top choices for a Pack N Play, stroller, car seat, crib & I’d enrolled us in our childbirth classes.  Lets do this!  He got home a week before Christmas and I was so glad he was back for us to enjoy this personal season & the Christmas season together.

We had a 12 week OB appointment 4 days after he got home (Monday, Dec 19) and I was eagerly anticipating this step that we would get to take in this pregnancy together.  We arrived at the office and were walked back to the exam room.  We talked with our provider about how healthy I’d been and all the things I’d done to make sure I was giving this baby its very best start to life.  After reviewing my lifestyle and history, she told me “You can’t get more healthy then you are honey!” <> I gladly put that awkward gown on and laid on the table for the ultrasound.  It was in that moment that we realized our season was changing.  They looked, listened and searched but they couldn’t find a heartbeat.  We watched the screen for what felt like ages as they tried different angles & different types of ultrasounds.  I realized at one point that I had been holding my breath so I quickly took a deep breath and said from my heart to the baby’s “beat, you little heart!”.  The baby was several weeks behind in development and they gently and graciously told me that I’d had a “missed-miscarriage”.  My body showed absolutely no signs of miscarriage and my hormones had stayed high for a pregnancy.  I was feeling the symptoms of pregnancy but there was no longer life in the baby.  Zach put his hand on mine as they began to explain the situation but we were both in shock.  They told us they wanted to send us for a second ultrasound on a stronger machine to confirm things at their sister practice.  We agreed but it wasn’t able to be scheduled until about 36 hours later.  We had the rest of that day & a whole day in between to wait. 

There was dead silence & tear soaked faces on our ride home.  We were both processing what we’d just been told with the Lord.  I told Zach when we got home that I was going to take a little time to myself.  I went and sat in my car and put worship music on & I wept & I sang.  As I prayed, I began to feel a boldness rise up in me in the face of what looked like tragedy.  I determined there in my car that the enemy would have ABSOLUTELY NO foothold in my heart in this.  I knew he was prowling around this situation looking for a place he could get in and I was not having it.  I declared it out loud “You do not get one inch of victory in this! (I don’t advise always yelling at the devil –he’s not normally worth our breath, but it just came out here) Jesus, you have overcome and made me an overcomer.  I love you.  You are always good; you are always faithful; you are near to the broken hearted; you have plans to prosper our family that bring us hope and a future…”  In tears, I began to declare everything that the Lord brought to my mind that spoke truth over this situation.  I wasn’t denying my heart brokenness, but as I chose to worship the Lord I felt His peace come in and fill the car.  The sadness was still there, the grief was still there but there was peace.  I realized then that the lesson the Lord taught me as I learned to praise him through negative pregnancy tests was the same lesson that would help sustain me today in this.  My response, no matter what my circumstance, can be thanks and praise for who He is.  It isn’t denying the reality of this world, it isn’t denying sadness, it is just declaring a higher truth that he has given me all I need in Jesus to deal with this life.  Grief doesn’t define me.  I feel it, I may experience it, but it never consumes me.  As I denied the enemy a foot hold in my heart, I had another realization in that car.  We were still waiting on a second ultrasound – and this isn’t over till its over!  I’ll be dang’d (yes, Dang’d!) if I’m going to throw my hands in the air and give up on this little life if there is one ounce of hope that the life could be restored. (Doesn’t your southern come out more when you’re fighting for something??)  I am this baby’s mama, and I am going to fight for its life in prayer and faith with all that I have until we know without a doubt that life isn’t being restored.  The mama lion in me lifted her head like I’d never felt before.  I went inside and told Zach “I don’t know how you’re feeling or how you’re grieving and I don’t want to be insensitive to that, but I have to tell you what I’m believing for.  I am not accepting death until we know from that second ultrasound that there is absolutely no chance of life.  The Lord is a god of miracles and He can restore a heartbeat to a lifeless baby in my womb.  That is what I’m praying and believing for!  This baby has a destiny and this world will be blessed because of its life.  I have to declare it will live in Jesus name!”  Zach said he was feeling the exact same way so we entered into the next day and a half standing in faith together & contending for a miracle.  We weren’t in denial of what the ultrasound said, but our God is bigger.  We were standing for the miraculous in faith until there was no other option.  We messaged our prayer warrior friends and let them know what we were believing for and asked them to join us in this bold prayer for Jesus to restore a perfectly healthy life.  Whatever the reason this baby stopped growing, whether is was a chromosomal mismatch or something else, He could completely heal and restore it.

Over the next 36 hours, Zach and I flexed our faith muscles in more strength than I think we ever have for something before.  That second day, the Tuesday of just waiting, was the hardest day for me in all of this.  It was such a strange place of my mama’s heart wanting to begin to grieve , but also wanting to put off grief to stand and declare a miracle.  That day had huge ups and downs for me.  I decided to work that day since I would be alone delivering a few Christmas gifts to offices and I could do that relatively easily with no one knowing what was going on to bring it up. Maybe that was not the best idea in hind sight, but I didn’t want to just sit at home all day with heaviness on my heart.  I’d love to say I was a rock of unwavering faith that entire day, but I had several moments of exhaustion.  One moment I would be driving to deliver a Christmas basket while praying boldly and declaring in faith “Thank you Lord that you are the giver of life and you can resurrect this baby in me.  The first report isn’t the last report.  I speak to you baby Brinson-live!”  The next moment I would be sobbing in my car “I just want my baby back”.  Despite the ups and downs, I felt such a grace over me that day.  I didn’t feel weak in the moments that I just wanted to cry.  I didn’t feel like I was failing in faith for a miracle.  I felt like I was letting grief come out of me.  I didn’t try to push it back or stifle it.  I just refused to lay down under it. I let it come out how ever it needed to, and then I rallied again.  I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard or long in my life.  I was exhausted at the end of that day.  I got home and processed the day with Zach & he felt the same way.  We’d received so many texts throughout the day of our friends praying, declaring life & encouraging us.  It was so sweet to know we weren’t contending for this alone.  There were people holding our arms up for us in prayer.  When we were exhausted, our friends were interceding for us.  My parents came over that night to intercede with us.  I can’t tell you what peace it brought me to just sit and listen to someone else pray over the situation.  I didn’t have to muster or rally in those moments, I could let someone else’s faith carry me while I took a deep breath.  At the end of that day, my last prayer was “Lord, I’ve given you everything I have for this.  I’ve given you all the faith I have.  Please take what I’ve given you and put it with what you have.  If you can take 5 loaves and 2 fish and feed 5,000, I know you can take what I’ve given you and make a baby live.”  We’d done all we could, and the rest was out of our hands.  Zach and I were able to go to bed that night with more peace in our hearts than we’d felt in 24 hours.  We both slept deeply and woke up the next morning rested to go to the second appointment. 

OK, since I told you in Part I of this story that I love transparency, I’m going to be real with you.  I woke up that Wednesday morning and as I began to get ready, I was playing the song “God of miracles” in my bathroom.  I began to sing that song and tears filled my eyes.  I wanted to be a flaming beacon of faith that was ready to run head first into that appointment, but in my heart I just didn’t want to go at all.  I would love to say that from the moment my eyes opened that morning, I was confident we were about to see a miracle, but my heart was in my stomach while I got ready.  I went downstairs to grab a bite of breakfast and Zach asked me how I was feeling.  I burst into tears again and said “I don’t want to go do this!”  He hugged me and spoke strength over me, and I rallied for this baby once more.  As we drove to the appointment we prayed together, rejoiced in miracles, and recalled testimonies of life being restored in scripture.   We went into that office united in faith and ready to receive whatever the report would say.  We could confidently rest in knowing we’d given this baby all we had.  It was so loved and fought for.  We had the second ultrasound and the outcome was still no heartbeat.  We had a choice in that moment to question God and/or question ourselves, but we knew neither one needed questioning.  We know God’s goodness, and we know we gave this our all in faith and prayer.  We could rest in knowing we did everything we could, and know there are great plans instore for our family that bring hope and a future.  The enemy often tries to get people to ask “Why” after something doesn’t go our way, but asking “Why” is rarely fruitful.  It usually just gets people thinking in circles and constructs a barrier to keep them from moving forward.   Bill Johnson says “If you want to have the peace that surpasses understanding, sometimes you have to give up your right to understand.”  It takes great trust to not feel the need to ask “why”, and we want to walk in great trust.  We didn’t ask why because it didn’t matter.  There was nothing more we could have done to change the outcome and we have great peace in that.  Our family may not be growing in number on earth, but it certainly grew in faith and unity.  Zach and I united to fight for this life and it brought us closer than we may have ever felt before.  We supported each other at a level that we’ve never had to before.  As I’ve been reflecting on this, I’ve found myself thankful that, if this was going to happen, it was during the Christmas season.  We’d already sent out our pregnancy Christmas card announcements and at first I regretted that immensely, but as I thought about it I became thankful that more people would know about that sweet life and celebrate it with us no matter how short.  Christmas is so full of the hope of Jesus.  There is so much joy in the atmosphere everywhere this time of year that I’ve been able to be encouraged by.  It was 4 days before Christmas that this happened and even though we can’t have our baby here with us, we can celebrate its short life and celebrate another baby that did make it into this world who is the reason we can have peace in this situation. 

In moving through this situation, we felt led to name the baby.  We both felt like it was a girl so we’re calling her by her name.  Some people may think that’s unnecessary, strange or even dramatic, but I threw myself into being her mama from the day we found out about her.  We believe she was & is significant and I want to honor her little life in every way that I can.  I hesitated to share this part but I kept going back to the fact that I’m celebrating her, and this is part of that celebration for me.  We’ve named her “Ezra” which means “help, or helper”.  Oh, did she help me.  In the weeks that Ezra was alive in my body and heart, she helped me more than I could ever express in words.  I loved every moment of being her mama here and I will never forget what she’s given me.  She helped a part of my heart come dancing alive that I didn’t even realize was dormant.  She helped released a joy in me that is unlike any I’ve ever felt.  She helped reveal a sense of purpose in my life that had never surfaced before and that I know will only grow in the future with her siblings.  She helped me and Zach unify for something like we never have before and grow in strength together.  She helped me learn to press into Jesus for sustenance in a new way.  She showed me a lens that I’ve never had to look through before to see, in a new way, that He truly has given me all I need for any circumstance in this life.  I’m so grateful for her help and how Father has used her in my life.

 

I wanted to share all of this with you because it was so helpful to me.  Thank you for letting me process with you.  I also wanted to share so those who knew about our pregnancy & those that didn't know what happened and that you hear straight from my heart: We are at peace.  I want you to know that its ok with us to acknowledge this.  I have so appreciated it when friends and family have pressed through any perceived awkwardness to bring this up and ask how I’m doing.  I hate elephants in the room, and I certainly don’t want this to be one.  I appreciate it when people recognize it either through words, a text or just a huge hug to empathize with me.  It makes me know that someone is standing here with me.  For me personally, it also helps me heal as I’m able to celebrate Ezra's life and share my heart.  I realize not everyone is like this, and you may not know that about me unless I explained it but there it is!  I see this as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and nearness in times of pain.  In Isaiah 61 we have the promise that “he gives beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” He is making these exchanges in my heart more deeply with each new day and His mercies continue to be new every morning.  I could never do this life without Him and I’d never want to.  Jesus told us “…in this life, you will have trials, BUT.TAKE.HEART, for I have overcome the world” (Jn 16:33)  He is the overcomer, and he passes that to me as an inheritance.

Any strength you may have seen in this story is truly only because of Jesus and what He provided for us through the cross.  Through knowing Him and relationship with him, He has given us all we need to journey through this life.  Struggle, despair, even death have no victory because He has overcome for us.  Jesus gives us his strength as if it were our very own and through him we can do all things.  (Phil 4:13) We can’t do all things by going around Him or even being beside him – we must go THROUGH Him.  He is the door to freedom.  If you see anything in this post, see Jesus.  See Him and his faithfulness.   See Him and the goodness of his presence in the middle of trials.  He is love and he is unchanging.  I want to leave you with one of my favorite songs.  It is the song Zach and I had played at our wedding and it was the first song our ears heard together as husband and wife.  We chose it because we wanted it to be the declaration and foundation of our family for the rest of our lives.  Here we are 2.5 years later still declaring it as our foundation.  I sing it when I’m celebrating, I sing it when I’m in a struggle, I sing it when I’m confused to realign my heart with truth.  The more you listen to it, the more it grows with in you and becomes an anthem.  I feel a progression every time I sing it in times of trouble – often I’m declaring it first to myself, reminding my own heart of its truth.  Then I move to declaring it with my whole heart to the Lord in worship.  Lastly, I declare it with the Lord out loud so the enemy knows what I stand on.  If you’re in a season of struggle, try moving through it and see what happens in your spirit.  I promise you will feel yourself coming into alignment with truth and the peace that accompanies that.  Bless you friends!  Thank you again so much for letting me share.  It has helped me greatly.  May the joy of the Lord be your strength.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s25--3HRsBQ

When trials come: taking heart in the midst of heartbreak - Part I

I've been a little silent on social media lately, and this story is going to let you in on why.  If you read through part 2, you'll see it doesn't have the ending that we all hope stories will have, but there is still good within the story, and I want to share that with you.  Honestly, sharing this will probably benefit me more than it will anyone else so thank you for letting me share!  I want to be as real as possible with this so it will have to be in two parts.  With out further a due, I invite you to share in a big part of my life from this year.

I need to start us off with a quick back story at the beginning of 2016– January to be exact.  Zach and I had talked through out the latter part of 2015 and felt like January of 2016 was the time we’d like to start trying to grow our family.  I’d been the one pushing for it and was so excited at the thought of kiddos – that is until January arrived.  When we came to the time we thought we’d start adding some arrows to our quiver, all of a sudden I wanted to pump the breaks.  I didn’t feel excited, I didn’t want to be pregnant, I wanted to wait.  This wasn’t normal for me -I’d been thrilled about this in the last half of 2015.  Strange!  What was going on?  I quickly realized that what I was experiencing wasn’t from within me, it was a source outside of me trying, through fear, to keep me from stepping into our next chapter as a family.  From January through March, the enemy bombarded my mind with lies about pregnancy and motherhood that I had to recognize and replace with God’s truth.  Pregnancy isn’t a nightmare & children aren’t unbearable burdens.  Every time I opened any social media outlet, it seemed like there was a blog, status update, photo or snapchat of a “flaming martyr of a mom story” about torturous pregnancies, monster children, feeling alone & in the dark with no way out, seeing no reward in motherhood, kids sucking the life out of you and it never coming back etc. etc.  I started to think “Why in the world would anyone want this?”  I realize now that those things were being strategically placed in front of me to attempt to instill fear and keep me from the promises of God over our family.  I’d like to take this opportunity to give a sidebar word to the wise:  Mom’s, I urge you to be careful what words you release into the world about motherhood and children.  The role of mother is a sacred gift.  It is the biggest sacrifice you will probably ever make, but it is still a gift.  As mothers, your words are powerful.  I’m not encouraging anyone to be fake – hopefully you can tell from my posts that I’m all about transparency!  I’m not saying you shouldn’t share when you have a struggle.  You should!  Let that stuff out.  Be real, be authentic, be transparent.  What I am saying is that if you have to resort to constant extreme negativity to make your voice heard, maybe the world doesn’t need that released to the masses.  Yes, I realize there are challenges, pains, and moments where you’re ready to throw in the towel.  I realize we all need a safe place to vent and share struggles, but share those with people who will love you and speak life into you.  Don’t share them with masses of total strangers and leave your words with no message of hope.  This world doesn’t need more negativity to feed on.  **It also doesn’t need more fake projections of a perfect life** It needs to see authentic people who have lived through a struggle and found hope and victory on the other side.  The world needs to see strength to be inspired to be strong.  As believers, if our story doesn’t show hope & victory yet, then its not over. 

Ok, I’m off the soap box.  Back to the story, for those first three months of 2016, I prayed, pressed into truth and worked to kick the enemy out of my mentality towards motherhood.  I knew what I was hearing in my mind wasn’t truth and it wasn’t from God, so it didn’t belong in my life.  It finally broke off in March and by April I was totally, joyfully and eagerly ready to be pregnant.  We were so excited to see what the Lord would do now that I’d come out of that season!  I was thinking it would be an immediate pregnancy-victory.  You know, how perfect would that be?  Celebrate victory over a three month battle against negativity towards motherhood by getting pregnant – yes!  Take that devil!  Close the chapter, draw the curtain and onto motherhood.  Nice idea, right?  Well, I thought so.  Month one and two went by and no pregnancy.  It was still very early on and we’d been told that it usually doesn’t happen immediately, so my joy was still high and I looked forward to the next month where I was sure we would get pregnant.  As months 3 - 5 passed, I began to feel a twinge of disappointment in my heart each month when I would realize I wasn’t pregnant.  I’d sit in my bathroom, sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks, after seeing a negative test or after the evidence came that my body was not growing a baby.  I’d give myself a pep talk about how Father’s timing is perfect and I’d remind myself that He had never failed us…but those twinges of disappointment were still there.  There is a Proverb that says “A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  (Prov 13:12)  I was feeling the first part of this verse, and to be honest I didn’t like that my heart’s response to not getting what I wanted when I wanted it was disappointment and sadness.  That sounds super selfish when you look at it that way, doesn’t it?  Well, I took that to the Lord & I told him that.  “Father, I don’t like that my response to not being pregnant each month is sadness.  I know you offer supernatural joy that is not contingent on my circumstances and I want to take hold of that in this.  I want my response to always be thanks and praise for who you are, weather I see a positive test next month or not.”  I can have the exact same response to two opposite outcomes because of who He is, not because of what life looks like. 

In these months I began to focus less on pregnancy, and more on letting Father refine my heart.  My desire to have a baby was wonderful, God-given, and still strong but I’d taken it down from a pedestal in my heart that it didn’t need to be on and I worked to put the joy of the Lord back there.  The first few months I pressed into this response, it didn’t come effortlessly.  I would feel discouraged with a negative test but I would choose to worship in the face of discouragement.  Worship has a way of aligning our perspective with heaven’s.  It sets our hearts on things above and not on things here.  As I practiced this month over month, thanks and praise did begin to become my natural response to something that would normally tempt me to be discouraged. (Side Note:  We are called to co-labor with Christ to produce the kingdom in our life – that means we have to put in some work folks!  We have to renew our minds with Him.  Its not about works, because Jesus has given us access to all we need for life and godliness, but we do have to choose to cooperate with Him.  We can’t sit and beg for our lives to show fruit that we haven’t worked with Him to cultivate in ourselves).  As I co-labored with Him, my heart went back to the scripture “Give thanks to God in ALL circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.”  (1 Thess 5:18)  It doesn’t tell us “give thanks to God when things go the way you want”.  It says give thanks in ALL circumstances.  This is His will for us, not because he’s a heartless King and doesn’t care how we feel.  It’s the exact opposite!  He asks this of us because he knows the benefit that thankfulness brings to a heart.  I’d also like to point out that it says “Give thanks IN all circumstances”, not “Give thanks FOR all circumstances.”  He doesn’t expect us to be thankful for every struggle, sadness, or trial.  He asks us to be thankful IN them.  We can go through a challenge and still see His hand working all things for the good even when the situation itself may be undesirable.  We can move our eyes from our trial and fix them on Him and find thankfulness for His nearness.  Thankfulness is a huge cure to discontentment.  We can give thanks in every circumstance because God’s goodness and love for us don’t change with our circumstances.  Our thanks should always be rooted more in who He is than what He does for us in life.  He is always good.  He is always faithful.  He is always love.  He is always truth.  He is always for us.  When our circumstances don’t seem to declare these things, we can give him an offering of praise because we know who He is despite what our circumstances may be tempting us to believe.  I’m of the personal belief that praises we offer Him during seasons of struggle are some of the absolute sweetest to Him.  They are praises of a warrior who is standing tall in battle, refusing to surrender to circumstances.  We aren’t offering the praises to manipulate Him or to try to persuade Him to move his hand on our behalf.  We are offering them because he is Jesus, He is King, He loves us, and we know He is for us.  If you’re not at that place of defaulting to thanks and praise yet, like I wasn’t in this situation in these months, just tell Him and he will help you!  He loves to give us his strength and walk us into freedom.

By the time month 6 & 7 rolled around with no pregnancy still, I can honestly say that my heart was being made new.  I didn’t feel the sadness like I used to.  I still hoped & longed for a positive test, but I didn’t fall apart when it wasn’t there.  On Halloween morning, in month 7,  I was in my bathroom holding an unused test it in my hand and I said “Jesus, no matter what this is about to say, I love you.  You are so good to me.”  I said it with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, not because of any result, but because of where I saw He had taken my heart.  Again – I wasn’t necessarily thanking and praising him that I wasn’t pregnant if I was a negative.  I was thanking and praising Him for who he is and his good plans for us, regardless of the test’s answer.  Its ok to long with your whole heart for something, as long as that desire doesn’t cause you to put your contentment in something other than Jesus.  On this October morning my heart was different from the times I’d been here before.  I was ready to take the test with peace in my heart no matter what.  I took the test and there it was – a beautiful, urine-decoded (+).  I slumped to the floor hands over my face and all I could say over and over again was “Thank you so much.  Thank you so much.  Thank you so much!”.  Those of you who have experienced that know its hard to put that joy into words.  It is a precious feeling!

Telling Zach was my second favorite part of that morning.  It was so much fun to celebrate together.  It came at such a wild time for us because he was leaving in 4 days for a 6 week school in Tampa, Florida.  We would basically be apart for my entire first trimester, but I didn’t mind!  I was so thrilled that I was pregnant and that we wouldn’t have to wait until he got back to get this baby in my belly J  Plus, in his favor – he would miss what can be the moodiest part of pregnancy so how convenient is that for all parties involved?  We decided to tell our immediate family & closest friends together before he left since we wouldn’t have another opportunity until my second trimester to tell the news together and it was so much fun to share that joy with them.  It was a bittersweet send off for him four days later.  We were beyond grateful for the new adventures the Lord was giving us in multiple areas of our life but we would miss walking through them together in person.  Alright, by now I have probably blogged your ear off, so I will post the rest of the story tomorrow!  I hope you come back and share the rest of it with me. Before you get excited, I will warn you that it has an unexpected end that we would never wish for , but it does end with hope J

Expectations and hiking through a storm

Hello friends!  Long time no blog right?  I always have the intention of posting more "regularly" and somehow it always gets away from me.  I just wanted to share a little experience I had last week while in Colorado for work.  It feels like I usually work non-stop on work trips but when I'm in Denver I squeeze in a trip to Red Rocks Park as often as I can.  It has become one of my favorite places in the states. It is breathtaking. You think the view can't get any better than what you see when you arrive but with every turn of the trail it keeps getting more and more beautiful. For me, being surrounded by nature, especially mountains, stirs my spirit in such a deep way.  I know many of you feel the same!  I feel so close to Father and hear him speak through creation in such sweet ways.

Today my hiking escapade contained my spiritual reminder. I started off up the Red Rocks Trail with my iPod playing the new Housefires album and my journal in hand. I was soaking up the beauty of everything around me, worshipping while I hiked.  It was having a blast, singing out loud, hands in the air, probably looking like a crazy person to my fellow hikers but, hey, if you can't have fun in worship, when can you? :)  I was looking forward to getting to the top so I could enjoy the view and journal- an activity I'd neglected for the last several months.  I finally reached top, caught my breath (that Denver altitude change ain't a joke), and found a great spot with a beautiful view to sit and write.  I started processing on paper and suddenly, around one paragraph in, I started to feel little rain drops. I thought "oh surely this is just a little shower" and was certain it would pass quickly. It didn't even seem very cloudy and I wasn't about to quit journaling after just 10 minutes of being on top of the mountain!  Get it together Mother Nature!  I hiked all this way to have that time with the Lord.  Well, the sprinkle didn't go away so, persistantly, I moved myself under a tree.  I was still convinced that it was going to pass and I'd enjoy the mountain top.  Then the thunder started to rumble :/ The rain picked up and I realized that it was on its way to being an all out downpour.  So much for my girl scout merritt badge in reading weather.  I surrendered to the elements, closed my journal, got up and took one more look across the mountain before turning to head down. I thought "Man, Lord, I was really looking forward to our time together up here and journaling with you. I drove out here and hiked all this way to have it."

I felt a little disappointed as I made my way back to the trail. It was in that moment, the Lord had a word for me.  You know what he said?  Ever so lovingly and gently he said "Can you not see my majesty in the rain as much as in a beautiful sunset that you thought would be waiting for you?  Can you not hear my splendor in the thunder as much as in the wind rustling the trees?  Do you not feel my presence in rain drops as much as in the breeze?  Is my presence not tangible in all of it?  Is it not all beautiful?"  Immediately, my perspective changed  and I said "Yes!  I can see you!".  My heart shifted to a new rhythm of worship- one very different from the journey up the mountain. This one was less comfortable at first (and it was going to require me to wash my hair).  I was getting drenched and cold but my heart swelled with joy as I made my way down the trail.  I hiked back down that mountain enjoying being soaked as much as I enjoyed being warm and dry on the way up. He reminded me that in life, so often we can have a expectation of what a mountain top should look or feel like. When we arrive there, if it doesn't meet our expectation we can feel disappointed or like we've missed out on something. The Lord simply wants us to be able to change our perspective and see Him wether there is sun at the top or a thunder storm.  He is in both.  We just have to shift our perspective to see him. He is worthy of praise in what ever the top of the mountain holds, rain or shine.  He is present and speaking in both.  Maybe you've gotten to the top of a mountain you've been climbing and it hasn't been what you expected.  Maybe a job, a ministry calling, a marriage, a child... is looking different than you expected.  Take heart, shift your perspective, rise above your former expectation and find Him there.  He is there calling you to see Him and, most likely, what he has to show you about himself is better than what you were expecting any ways.  He's good like that. Then He might even have you hike back down for some dinner at Chipotle!  Tell me that's not heavenly ;)

First steps on the trail

Climbing...

Made it to the top!

This view!!  I could have stayed there for hours (but you've read the post, you know what happened :)

My favorite picture from the trip.  "Where can I go from your presence?  Where can I flee from you?  Even if I run to the highest mountain you are there."

Part 2 - Our Journey to home

Welcome back (I hope you’re back) for the conclusion of our journey into home!  My last post left us moving toward April of this year, 2015, when our apartment lease was set to expire.  We didn’t have a down payment for a house saved anymore because the Lord invited us to a place of laying down anything that we could put confidence in other than Himself.  Catch up and read Part 1 below if you'd like to hear it.  We were confident that the Lord would bless our obedience to the “ask” He extended to us to do something else with our savings, but His blessing wasn’t why we obeyed.  We obeyed because we love Him and want to do what He asks of us, regardless of what comes of it.  That’s what love does.  If we’d obeyed simply to try to get Him to do something for us, it would have been manipulation.  When Zach and I prayed over the check we wrote in January, all that I could say was “Thank you so much Father for inviting me to this place, for beckoning me to a place of trust that is deeper than any you’ve called me to in this process yet.  If nothing ever comes of this other than you brought my heart to this place, is was worth it.”  Romans 4: 20 became my song “Yet he [Abraham] did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”  I can confidently say that Zach and I were fully persuaded that God would do what He had spoken.  This strengthened our faith and brought us to a sweet place of joy in the Lord that we would have missed if we hadn’t said "yes".  My heart’s desire is for obedience, even if it makes me uncomfortable at first.  Love pushes past discomfort and still says “yes”.  I may have a melt down or two and even question things in a moment of limited understanding as my heart is refined, but I want to be a “yes” one.  I want to have a “yes” family and I want my life’s cry to be “yes” to any and everything He asks.

April came and we prayed again about what to do with our apartment lease.  Zach felt like he heard that September would be a significant month for us.  I felt peace in my spirit over that so we attempted to sign a least that would take us to September.  When we went to the apartment management team to arrange a lease, they informed us that they could only offer us a minimum of a 9 month lease (expiring in January of 2016- NO thank you!) or we could go month to month on our lease agreement for a hefty rent increase.  We weren’t expecting that at all.  What happened to a solution resulting in “September”?  Often times when we hear from the Lord on a matter, the enemy will try come in right behind that word and make us doubt what we heard.  That’s where we have the opportunity to flex our faith muscles and continue to stand firm in confidence of the Lord’s goodness.  We asked the Lord again and still felt peace about September so we went month to month in our apartment and continued to look for homes over the Summer.  The Lord was so faithful and blessed our finances through that season in ways only He could.  The end of Summer came and we had more than what we needed to be able to close on a home again.  Zach and I both felt an excitement in our spirits growing as September arrived and we couldn’t wait to see what was in store.  The first week of September passed by, the second week passed by, then the third week came and my excitement started to dwindle when we still no sign of a home.  I simply started to feel exhausted and confused. Had we misheard everything?  Are we looking in all the wrong directions?  Should I lower the bar?  “This isn’t a game Lord!  I can’t keep doing this cycle of search, wait, repeat.”  I had a breakdown that third week of September and I told the Lord “I feel like I have no more hope or joy for this process in my own strength.  I’ve tried to claim, declare, believe myself through it, but I’m at my end with this.  I need you to fill me with your supernatural hope and joy.” That is always the place He loves to meet us – at the end of ourselves.  That’s when He can show us what it is to be filled with all of HIS fullness and not what we’ve tried to drum up in ourselves.  There is certainly a time to stand and be strong in battle but there is also a time to simply be still, put the sword down, rest and let Him move for us.  The next morning I awoke with more joy than I’d felt in weeks.  It was none of my own and all of His.

 

That very next week, the moment that the last 18 months had been preparing us for finally arrived.  (Let me pause here and give you a high five for making it this far thought the story)  We were led to our house!  <>  Our house actually found us.  We didn’t even have to go out and search for it.  We were contacted and asked if we would like to see it before it was put on the market.  If I’d have known it would go down like that I’d have saved myself and our saint of a real-estate agent the energy it took to look at 80+ houses over the last 18 months!  I’ll be honest, it wasn’t what I thought I was looking for, but the moment I stepped into it “the feeling” that everyone had been telling me I would have overwhelmed me.  I felt immediate peace.  I heard friends laughing around the dinner table, I saw movie nights in the living room, I saw kiddos running around on the hardwood floors, I saw life.  It was home.  As we’ve moved through the closing process we continued to be in awe over Father’s faithfulness.  Not only has he given us our house, but he has poured out so much favor on the process of getting us into it and making it home.  We have been left speechless several times already.  We are so excited to grow our family in it and see everyone He brings into this home to share life with us.  Hebrews 10:23 has been on my mind for weeks now “Hold fast to the confession of our hope with out wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”  

I share my story hoping that it can be a testimony to anyone who might feel that they have been in a journey of waiting and are “at their end” as they wait on the fulfillment of a word the Lord has spoken.  I know that feeling of exhaustion that can come during long seasons of waiting while you hold on to a promise.  Maybe you’ve been waiting for months or years.  Don’t give up.  Flex those faith muscles.  Maybe like me, you need to ask the Lord to open your mind to the possibility that He is fulfilling that promise in a way that is different from what you’ve grown to expect.  If we put an expectation on what it should look like when the Lord shows up, we may not see it when He does.  Keep your heart open for any way He may choose to fulfill His word.  If doubt has crept in and tried to steal your hope, go to the one who will give it to you through simply being in His presence.  “In [His] presence is fullness of joy” (PS 16:11) and “the joy of the Lord is our strength” (Neh 8:10) so run to His presence and be strengthened with His joy.  When you step into that promised land, every moment spent in the dessert feels worth it.  He will not leave you in the dessert, He will lead you through it.  He will bring you to the promise He has for you.  Hold onto your faith in El Hanne-Eman – “The Faithful God”.  He won’t disappoint.  Thank you for taking time to read our home story!  I’m going to try to post a few pics of the house as we fix a few things up over the next several weeks.  I’ll do my best to improve my posting frequency and get them up before 2016 is here :)  

Part 1 - Our journey to home

Long time no see friends!  It has been over a year since my last post and frankly its because so much has happened in my heart over that year that I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to put any of it to words.  It has been a year of pruining, refining, dying to myself, and letting my heart be molded in ways it never has been before.  I’m going to share the story of a small bit of that refining with you.  This story attempts to squeeze 18 months of journeying with the Lord into one or two scrolls of your computer/mobile devices’ screen so bear with me. I’m going to do this in 2 posts so you don’t start to go cross eyed trying to follow along :)

Lets jump right in with the back story.  For over 6 years now, I’ve longed for a home; to have a place where I could feel free to dig deep roots, plant my feet and not wonder when I’d be packing up to move and re-settle again.  Maybe its a southern thing or maybe its a female thing, but there's something to be said for a women and her home.  I love hosting people and inviting them in to share their hearts.  In my early 20’s I began to look for homes several times, but every time the Lord would tell me to wait on my husband before I purchased one.  I was glad to be obedient and wait, but the desire to have a place for “roots” was always in my heart.

 

When Zach & I got married in May of 2014 I thought to myself “Now its time!  Now we’ll find our home.”  We asked the Lord and both felt peace that one of our top financial priorities would be to continue to save for a home.  We re-worked our budget to be wise and prepare for the time that He would show us where we would live.  We were able to limit some of our lifestyle and save joyfully because we knew what we were working for.  Every month when we would see the little amount in our savings account grow, we got so excited!  We were working towards a dream together and it was so much fun to see the unity that it brought in our family.

I started looking at homes over the Summer of 2014 but it wasn’t the Lords timing for us, and to be honest, the process showed me that my heart wasn’t in the right place.  I became focused on our “next step” and I didn’t realize it at first, but little by little I began to put more hope and excitement in the thought of finding a home than I had put in the thought of having Jesus and no home at all.  Isn’t it funny how a desire for something other than Jesus can creep up and hide in our hearts while we don’t see it?  It could be a desire for a home, a career move, a spouse, a retirement plan, a child, even a healing, you name it.  Those things in and of themselves can be wonderful things but when we build a theology of who Jesus is for us around what He gives us, we are way WAY off.  When our view of him is based on what’s in his hand for us and not on beholding His face, we’ve totally missed it.  He is always more concerned about the condition of our hearts towards him over anything else.  A house became something my heart was hungry for, and anytime a heart is hungry for something other than Jesus, that desire needs to be submitted to the cross.  That is exactly what Father did with that desire over the next several months.  He allowed me to pursue a home so I would see that I’d tried to run ahead of him.  Then, in his kindness, he lovingly showed me that I’d allowed my perspective to get off track and He invited me back to submit myself to Him and his timing.  He helped me turn my heart back to run after Him alone rather than Him and a home.  That’s the beauty of repentance.  When we repent and change the way we think to be in line with heaven again, it always brings freedom.  It’s humbling to even admit that’s where my heart was because it sounds so selfish, but I’m hoping I’m not the only one willing to admit she’s found herself in that boat :)  Don’t leave a sister hangin!  Any time we seek after Jesus and ______ (you name it), we will miss so much of what He has for us because our eyes’ focus is being divided.  That’s why he tells us “Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt 6:33), and “When you seek me you will find me when you seek my with ALL your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13)

The Summer came to a close, and my heart was in a beautiful place with the Lord.  Zach and I prayed about how long of a renewal lease to sign on our apartment.  We felt like we should renew until April of 2015 so that’s what we did and we took a break from house hunting.  As the new year approached, we started to ask the Lord about when he would have us begin looking again.  The more we prayed, the more we felt that January 2015 was the time for us to pick it back up.  We felt like the Lord had even told us at the beginning of the year that our house was coming soon (In hind sight, its always good to remember that when the Lord says “soon”, rarely does it match our definition of “soon”).  We had different people who were unaware of our situation tell us that they felt like the Lord was bringing a house to us or that they saw pictures of us holding keys to a home that would be a center of ministry.  My heart swelled!!  It sounded like everything I’d hoped for in a home: a place to settle and establish roots; to invite people in to love them and bless them.  We want our home to be a place of ministry where people come and are filled up and encouraged.  I couldn’t wait to see what it would look like, where it would be, how many people we could have at the dinner table, etc.  We looked at several homes for the first few weeks of January.  We knew that the Lord had a home for us whether He had showed it to us yet or not, we just didn’t expect his next move…

Out of the blue at the end of January, the Lord very clearly told Zach that we were to take the money we’d saved for our house down payment and do something different with it………………(insert gasp, tears, questioning, thinking my husband had lost his mind, me telling the Lord to tell Zach he’d heard wrong, etc).  I wish I could convey the cycle of emotions I went through over a 24 hour period.  I cried, I wanted to throw up, I cried some more, I questioned if we’d even heard the Lord correctly about our home.  My response was not cute, let me tell you, but let me also tell you what that one ask from the Lord did for me.  It became a holy invitation from Him to look at my heart again and ask: if all of our natural proof that his word would be true was taken away, did I still believe Him for what He’d told us?  I informed him, as if He didn’t know,  “Lord, Zach and I co-labored for over a year for that.  We will never be able to get a house by April with out it.  We’ll never be able to get a house this YEAR with out it!”  You see, it wasn’t about money for me at all, it was about a dream being postponed again.  “A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Prov 13:12.  It showed me a place in my heart where I wasn’t fully believing in the goodness of my Father.  I wasn’t trusting Him to provide for the word He had spoken.  In that one “ask”, He was calling me to a deeper place of standing on the truth of who He says He is, regardless of what my circumstances seem to say.  It took me a few days to get there, but in a weeks time I was able to step in obedience and write the biggest check I’ve ever written with joy in my heart and complete confidence in His goodness and faithfulness.  The Lord loves to invite us to higher levels of revelation of who He is through our life circumstances.  It’s our choice to respond to any situation by believing truth or by choosing not to, and choosing the latter will always lead to questioning and doubt.  Its so easy to agree with truth it in a quote, a sermon, a teaching, but when He asks you to live it out, it sinks roots into you that go deeper than any teaching ever could.  It becomes part of the core of who you are and who you believe Him to be.

 

Fast forward to April when our apartment lease expires and that is where we will pick up in the next post.  I hope you come back to hear the rest!  I know I’m biased, but it is such a sweet testimony! :)