Expectations and hiking through a storm

Hello friends!  Long time no blog right?  I always have the intention of posting more "regularly" and somehow it always gets away from me.  I just wanted to share a little experience I had last week while in Colorado for work.  It feels like I usually work non-stop on work trips but when I'm in Denver I squeeze in a trip to Red Rocks Park as often as I can.  It has become one of my favorite places in the states. It is breathtaking. You think the view can't get any better than what you see when you arrive but with every turn of the trail it keeps getting more and more beautiful. For me, being surrounded by nature, especially mountains, stirs my spirit in such a deep way.  I know many of you feel the same!  I feel so close to Father and hear him speak through creation in such sweet ways.

Today my hiking escapade contained my spiritual reminder. I started off up the Red Rocks Trail with my iPod playing the new Housefires album and my journal in hand. I was soaking up the beauty of everything around me, worshipping while I hiked.  It was having a blast, singing out loud, hands in the air, probably looking like a crazy person to my fellow hikers but, hey, if you can't have fun in worship, when can you? :)  I was looking forward to getting to the top so I could enjoy the view and journal- an activity I'd neglected for the last several months.  I finally reached top, caught my breath (that Denver altitude change ain't a joke), and found a great spot with a beautiful view to sit and write.  I started processing on paper and suddenly, around one paragraph in, I started to feel little rain drops. I thought "oh surely this is just a little shower" and was certain it would pass quickly. It didn't even seem very cloudy and I wasn't about to quit journaling after just 10 minutes of being on top of the mountain!  Get it together Mother Nature!  I hiked all this way to have that time with the Lord.  Well, the sprinkle didn't go away so, persistantly, I moved myself under a tree.  I was still convinced that it was going to pass and I'd enjoy the mountain top.  Then the thunder started to rumble :/ The rain picked up and I realized that it was on its way to being an all out downpour.  So much for my girl scout merritt badge in reading weather.  I surrendered to the elements, closed my journal, got up and took one more look across the mountain before turning to head down. I thought "Man, Lord, I was really looking forward to our time together up here and journaling with you. I drove out here and hiked all this way to have it."

I felt a little disappointed as I made my way back to the trail. It was in that moment, the Lord had a word for me.  You know what he said?  Ever so lovingly and gently he said "Can you not see my majesty in the rain as much as in a beautiful sunset that you thought would be waiting for you?  Can you not hear my splendor in the thunder as much as in the wind rustling the trees?  Do you not feel my presence in rain drops as much as in the breeze?  Is my presence not tangible in all of it?  Is it not all beautiful?"  Immediately, my perspective changed  and I said "Yes!  I can see you!".  My heart shifted to a new rhythm of worship- one very different from the journey up the mountain. This one was less comfortable at first (and it was going to require me to wash my hair).  I was getting drenched and cold but my heart swelled with joy as I made my way down the trail.  I hiked back down that mountain enjoying being soaked as much as I enjoyed being warm and dry on the way up. He reminded me that in life, so often we can have a expectation of what a mountain top should look or feel like. When we arrive there, if it doesn't meet our expectation we can feel disappointed or like we've missed out on something. The Lord simply wants us to be able to change our perspective and see Him wether there is sun at the top or a thunder storm.  He is in both.  We just have to shift our perspective to see him. He is worthy of praise in what ever the top of the mountain holds, rain or shine.  He is present and speaking in both.  Maybe you've gotten to the top of a mountain you've been climbing and it hasn't been what you expected.  Maybe a job, a ministry calling, a marriage, a child... is looking different than you expected.  Take heart, shift your perspective, rise above your former expectation and find Him there.  He is there calling you to see Him and, most likely, what he has to show you about himself is better than what you were expecting any ways.  He's good like that. Then He might even have you hike back down for some dinner at Chipotle!  Tell me that's not heavenly ;)

First steps on the trail

Climbing...

Made it to the top!

This view!!  I could have stayed there for hours (but you've read the post, you know what happened :)

My favorite picture from the trip.  "Where can I go from your presence?  Where can I flee from you?  Even if I run to the highest mountain you are there."

Part 2 - Our Journey to home

Welcome back (I hope you’re back) for the conclusion of our journey into home!  My last post left us moving toward April of this year, 2015, when our apartment lease was set to expire.  We didn’t have a down payment for a house saved anymore because the Lord invited us to a place of laying down anything that we could put confidence in other than Himself.  Catch up and read Part 1 below if you'd like to hear it.  We were confident that the Lord would bless our obedience to the “ask” He extended to us to do something else with our savings, but His blessing wasn’t why we obeyed.  We obeyed because we love Him and want to do what He asks of us, regardless of what comes of it.  That’s what love does.  If we’d obeyed simply to try to get Him to do something for us, it would have been manipulation.  When Zach and I prayed over the check we wrote in January, all that I could say was “Thank you so much Father for inviting me to this place, for beckoning me to a place of trust that is deeper than any you’ve called me to in this process yet.  If nothing ever comes of this other than you brought my heart to this place, is was worth it.”  Romans 4: 20 became my song “Yet he [Abraham] did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”  I can confidently say that Zach and I were fully persuaded that God would do what He had spoken.  This strengthened our faith and brought us to a sweet place of joy in the Lord that we would have missed if we hadn’t said "yes".  My heart’s desire is for obedience, even if it makes me uncomfortable at first.  Love pushes past discomfort and still says “yes”.  I may have a melt down or two and even question things in a moment of limited understanding as my heart is refined, but I want to be a “yes” one.  I want to have a “yes” family and I want my life’s cry to be “yes” to any and everything He asks.

April came and we prayed again about what to do with our apartment lease.  Zach felt like he heard that September would be a significant month for us.  I felt peace in my spirit over that so we attempted to sign a least that would take us to September.  When we went to the apartment management team to arrange a lease, they informed us that they could only offer us a minimum of a 9 month lease (expiring in January of 2016- NO thank you!) or we could go month to month on our lease agreement for a hefty rent increase.  We weren’t expecting that at all.  What happened to a solution resulting in “September”?  Often times when we hear from the Lord on a matter, the enemy will try come in right behind that word and make us doubt what we heard.  That’s where we have the opportunity to flex our faith muscles and continue to stand firm in confidence of the Lord’s goodness.  We asked the Lord again and still felt peace about September so we went month to month in our apartment and continued to look for homes over the Summer.  The Lord was so faithful and blessed our finances through that season in ways only He could.  The end of Summer came and we had more than what we needed to be able to close on a home again.  Zach and I both felt an excitement in our spirits growing as September arrived and we couldn’t wait to see what was in store.  The first week of September passed by, the second week passed by, then the third week came and my excitement started to dwindle when we still no sign of a home.  I simply started to feel exhausted and confused. Had we misheard everything?  Are we looking in all the wrong directions?  Should I lower the bar?  “This isn’t a game Lord!  I can’t keep doing this cycle of search, wait, repeat.”  I had a breakdown that third week of September and I told the Lord “I feel like I have no more hope or joy for this process in my own strength.  I’ve tried to claim, declare, believe myself through it, but I’m at my end with this.  I need you to fill me with your supernatural hope and joy.” That is always the place He loves to meet us – at the end of ourselves.  That’s when He can show us what it is to be filled with all of HIS fullness and not what we’ve tried to drum up in ourselves.  There is certainly a time to stand and be strong in battle but there is also a time to simply be still, put the sword down, rest and let Him move for us.  The next morning I awoke with more joy than I’d felt in weeks.  It was none of my own and all of His.

 

That very next week, the moment that the last 18 months had been preparing us for finally arrived.  (Let me pause here and give you a high five for making it this far thought the story)  We were led to our house!  <>  Our house actually found us.  We didn’t even have to go out and search for it.  We were contacted and asked if we would like to see it before it was put on the market.  If I’d have known it would go down like that I’d have saved myself and our saint of a real-estate agent the energy it took to look at 80+ houses over the last 18 months!  I’ll be honest, it wasn’t what I thought I was looking for, but the moment I stepped into it “the feeling” that everyone had been telling me I would have overwhelmed me.  I felt immediate peace.  I heard friends laughing around the dinner table, I saw movie nights in the living room, I saw kiddos running around on the hardwood floors, I saw life.  It was home.  As we’ve moved through the closing process we continued to be in awe over Father’s faithfulness.  Not only has he given us our house, but he has poured out so much favor on the process of getting us into it and making it home.  We have been left speechless several times already.  We are so excited to grow our family in it and see everyone He brings into this home to share life with us.  Hebrews 10:23 has been on my mind for weeks now “Hold fast to the confession of our hope with out wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”  

I share my story hoping that it can be a testimony to anyone who might feel that they have been in a journey of waiting and are “at their end” as they wait on the fulfillment of a word the Lord has spoken.  I know that feeling of exhaustion that can come during long seasons of waiting while you hold on to a promise.  Maybe you’ve been waiting for months or years.  Don’t give up.  Flex those faith muscles.  Maybe like me, you need to ask the Lord to open your mind to the possibility that He is fulfilling that promise in a way that is different from what you’ve grown to expect.  If we put an expectation on what it should look like when the Lord shows up, we may not see it when He does.  Keep your heart open for any way He may choose to fulfill His word.  If doubt has crept in and tried to steal your hope, go to the one who will give it to you through simply being in His presence.  “In [His] presence is fullness of joy” (PS 16:11) and “the joy of the Lord is our strength” (Neh 8:10) so run to His presence and be strengthened with His joy.  When you step into that promised land, every moment spent in the dessert feels worth it.  He will not leave you in the dessert, He will lead you through it.  He will bring you to the promise He has for you.  Hold onto your faith in El Hanne-Eman – “The Faithful God”.  He won’t disappoint.  Thank you for taking time to read our home story!  I’m going to try to post a few pics of the house as we fix a few things up over the next several weeks.  I’ll do my best to improve my posting frequency and get them up before 2016 is here :)  

Part 1 - Our journey to home

Long time no see friends!  It has been over a year since my last post and frankly its because so much has happened in my heart over that year that I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to put any of it to words.  It has been a year of pruining, refining, dying to myself, and letting my heart be molded in ways it never has been before.  I’m going to share the story of a small bit of that refining with you.  This story attempts to squeeze 18 months of journeying with the Lord into one or two scrolls of your computer/mobile devices’ screen so bear with me. I’m going to do this in 2 posts so you don’t start to go cross eyed trying to follow along :)

Lets jump right in with the back story.  For over 6 years now, I’ve longed for a home; to have a place where I could feel free to dig deep roots, plant my feet and not wonder when I’d be packing up to move and re-settle again.  Maybe its a southern thing or maybe its a female thing, but there's something to be said for a women and her home.  I love hosting people and inviting them in to share their hearts.  In my early 20’s I began to look for homes several times, but every time the Lord would tell me to wait on my husband before I purchased one.  I was glad to be obedient and wait, but the desire to have a place for “roots” was always in my heart.

 

When Zach & I got married in May of 2014 I thought to myself “Now its time!  Now we’ll find our home.”  We asked the Lord and both felt peace that one of our top financial priorities would be to continue to save for a home.  We re-worked our budget to be wise and prepare for the time that He would show us where we would live.  We were able to limit some of our lifestyle and save joyfully because we knew what we were working for.  Every month when we would see the little amount in our savings account grow, we got so excited!  We were working towards a dream together and it was so much fun to see the unity that it brought in our family.

I started looking at homes over the Summer of 2014 but it wasn’t the Lords timing for us, and to be honest, the process showed me that my heart wasn’t in the right place.  I became focused on our “next step” and I didn’t realize it at first, but little by little I began to put more hope and excitement in the thought of finding a home than I had put in the thought of having Jesus and no home at all.  Isn’t it funny how a desire for something other than Jesus can creep up and hide in our hearts while we don’t see it?  It could be a desire for a home, a career move, a spouse, a retirement plan, a child, even a healing, you name it.  Those things in and of themselves can be wonderful things but when we build a theology of who Jesus is for us around what He gives us, we are way WAY off.  When our view of him is based on what’s in his hand for us and not on beholding His face, we’ve totally missed it.  He is always more concerned about the condition of our hearts towards him over anything else.  A house became something my heart was hungry for, and anytime a heart is hungry for something other than Jesus, that desire needs to be submitted to the cross.  That is exactly what Father did with that desire over the next several months.  He allowed me to pursue a home so I would see that I’d tried to run ahead of him.  Then, in his kindness, he lovingly showed me that I’d allowed my perspective to get off track and He invited me back to submit myself to Him and his timing.  He helped me turn my heart back to run after Him alone rather than Him and a home.  That’s the beauty of repentance.  When we repent and change the way we think to be in line with heaven again, it always brings freedom.  It’s humbling to even admit that’s where my heart was because it sounds so selfish, but I’m hoping I’m not the only one willing to admit she’s found herself in that boat :)  Don’t leave a sister hangin!  Any time we seek after Jesus and ______ (you name it), we will miss so much of what He has for us because our eyes’ focus is being divided.  That’s why he tells us “Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt 6:33), and “When you seek me you will find me when you seek my with ALL your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13)

The Summer came to a close, and my heart was in a beautiful place with the Lord.  Zach and I prayed about how long of a renewal lease to sign on our apartment.  We felt like we should renew until April of 2015 so that’s what we did and we took a break from house hunting.  As the new year approached, we started to ask the Lord about when he would have us begin looking again.  The more we prayed, the more we felt that January 2015 was the time for us to pick it back up.  We felt like the Lord had even told us at the beginning of the year that our house was coming soon (In hind sight, its always good to remember that when the Lord says “soon”, rarely does it match our definition of “soon”).  We had different people who were unaware of our situation tell us that they felt like the Lord was bringing a house to us or that they saw pictures of us holding keys to a home that would be a center of ministry.  My heart swelled!!  It sounded like everything I’d hoped for in a home: a place to settle and establish roots; to invite people in to love them and bless them.  We want our home to be a place of ministry where people come and are filled up and encouraged.  I couldn’t wait to see what it would look like, where it would be, how many people we could have at the dinner table, etc.  We looked at several homes for the first few weeks of January.  We knew that the Lord had a home for us whether He had showed it to us yet or not, we just didn’t expect his next move…

Out of the blue at the end of January, the Lord very clearly told Zach that we were to take the money we’d saved for our house down payment and do something different with it………………(insert gasp, tears, questioning, thinking my husband had lost his mind, me telling the Lord to tell Zach he’d heard wrong, etc).  I wish I could convey the cycle of emotions I went through over a 24 hour period.  I cried, I wanted to throw up, I cried some more, I questioned if we’d even heard the Lord correctly about our home.  My response was not cute, let me tell you, but let me also tell you what that one ask from the Lord did for me.  It became a holy invitation from Him to look at my heart again and ask: if all of our natural proof that his word would be true was taken away, did I still believe Him for what He’d told us?  I informed him, as if He didn’t know,  “Lord, Zach and I co-labored for over a year for that.  We will never be able to get a house by April with out it.  We’ll never be able to get a house this YEAR with out it!”  You see, it wasn’t about money for me at all, it was about a dream being postponed again.  “A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Prov 13:12.  It showed me a place in my heart where I wasn’t fully believing in the goodness of my Father.  I wasn’t trusting Him to provide for the word He had spoken.  In that one “ask”, He was calling me to a deeper place of standing on the truth of who He says He is, regardless of what my circumstances seem to say.  It took me a few days to get there, but in a weeks time I was able to step in obedience and write the biggest check I’ve ever written with joy in my heart and complete confidence in His goodness and faithfulness.  The Lord loves to invite us to higher levels of revelation of who He is through our life circumstances.  It’s our choice to respond to any situation by believing truth or by choosing not to, and choosing the latter will always lead to questioning and doubt.  Its so easy to agree with truth it in a quote, a sermon, a teaching, but when He asks you to live it out, it sinks roots into you that go deeper than any teaching ever could.  It becomes part of the core of who you are and who you believe Him to be.

 

Fast forward to April when our apartment lease expires and that is where we will pick up in the next post.  I hope you come back to hear the rest!  I know I’m biased, but it is such a sweet testimony! :)

Sweet Reminders Through a Faith Filled Wedding

Miraculous.  That’s not the typical word used to describe the environment of most weddings these days but it was perfectly fitting for the one I attended most recently.  Last Friday I had the honor of being part of the community surrounding two amazing people as they became one.  My & Zach’s dear friends, Seth & Ellie Guthrie, said vows & pledged their lives to Father & each other in the middle of a farmer’s field underneath a breath taking sunset.  It seemed surreal…but the day certainly didn’t seem like it would yield that outcome earlier in the afternoon.  In fact, as much as I love Seth & Ellie, this little post about their wedding day actually isn’t all about them.  This post is about how amazing our Heavenly Papa is & the incredible things He will do to show off His love for us, and knowing Seth & Ellie both, they would have the focus of this post be nothing else :)

Here’s a smidge of back story on Seth & Ellie so you’ll understand why the day was so perfect for them.  In nut shell they are two of the most wildly in love with Jesus, unwavering, faith filled examples of what it is to walk in son-ship to Father that Zach & I know.  They’re amazing.

Now onto the progression of their wedding day.  From the start, the day was full of anticipation & complete willingness to allow Father to make the day what ever He pleased.  It was incredible to be part of and I want to share with you a few of the events of the day that by man’s standards would have looked like a reason to panic, but with faith & an amazing heavenly Father, they turned out to be amazing expressions of His love.

To start the day, we woke up to storm clouds & a 70% chance of rain ALL day long.  There seemed to be a large chance that the gorgeous field intended to be the setting for their nuptials would turn into the set of Duck Dynasty by 6pm.  Despite what it looked like outside, we knew Father wouldn’t allow weather to get in the way of two of his kids having their dream wedding.  Ceremony time came & what did we see in the natural?  A large ominous rain cloud gathered literally directly above the field as the guests were being seated.  What did we do?  We chose to see with our Spirits what we knew Father wanted for them & press into it.  We all began to pray together that Father would move the clouds for Seth & Ellie.  And what happened?  They moved with in a matter of minutes & the most gorgeous sunset and a RAINBOW appeared over the field.  Come on, tell me that’s not the most amazing gift from our heavenly Father?  As is that weren’t enough, there’s more.

Secondly, 5 Minutes from the end of the ceremony I get a text from my friend who coordinated the day that the caterer had his dates mixed up & had NO food to bring for the 200 guests.  What do we do?  Pray again & Google the nearest BBQ joint.  They found Big Daddy’s BBQ less than 10 minutes away & took off with pick up trucks to pick up any & every tray of BBQ & sides they could give us.  We’d already seen God change the weather for us, so certainly He could get us food.  The place was so close that we were only a few minutes later than planned to start the reception.  He is so good!

Lastly, as amazing as Bid Daddy’s BBQ had been, they only had enough food for 100 people & we had almost 200 guests.  Incase you didn’t make it past 1^st grade math, that’s half as much food as we needed.  I bet you can guess what we did by now…choose to see past the situation in the natural & see with faith.  We prayed  that Father would multiply the food & began thanking Him for it.  And I bet you can guess what happened …He did it!  We had so much food that there was an entire tray of BBQ left over.  And isn’t that perfectly His style?  Weather its loaves & fishes or BBQ for a wedding God loves to do things in excess to love on His kids.

 

My prayer is that in reading the testimonies of Seth & Ellie’s special day, you’ve found a sweet reminder of the truth that Father loves to love on us.  No detail of our lives is too small to bring to him.  He delights in His kids  & loves it when we step out in faith to believe Him for his goodness instead of succumbing to what the world would tell us about our circumstances.  He always comes through, even if it looks different from what we had in mind as our “Plan A”.  (In fact, He rarely sticks to our “plans A’s”!  He much too creative & wise to do things the way we thing they should be done J ) If you’re in a season of life where you’re needing break through, reach up & grab these testimonies & let them fuel your faith.  Maybe He’s calling you to give up your “Plan A” to receive an Ephesians 3:20 plan.  He loves extravagantly & his plans are “to prosper & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future.”  Stand on that truth, even if you’re feeling like you don’t see the evidence of it right now.  It prepares your heart to be ready to receive the fullness of what He has planned.  (Featured below- My handsome date, amazing friends & the cutest flower girls you've ever seen!)

Favorite moments from the wedding day

It has been over three weeks since my & Zach’s big day & the time to share about it has eluded me until now.  I’m excited to share some of my favorite moments with you!  The day couldn’t have been more perfect for us, & actually my most favorite moment of the day was the least planned part!  I’ll get to that in a minute.  I feel like I could write a post on each of my favorite moments but I’ll refrain :) Here they are in order of occurrence…

For me (& Zach too) the day was one big beautiful moment of intimacy with each other & with Father.  I woke up the morning of May 9^th & before I started into any of the typical “bridal preparations” I wanted to prepare my heart for what was about to come by spending time with Papa God.  I had barely even gotten situated on my sofa & cracked open my Bible when I heard him say “get on the floor & just talk to me”.  As soon as my knees hit the floor my heart became so over whelmed with what a privilege it is to not only marry my best friend but to be an earthly representation of Christ & his bride-the Church.  I began to tell Father how honored I felt by that.  In tears I told him that other than Jesus, this was the greatest gift He’s given me to this point in my life.  This marriage was the most precious thing I would possess & be part of.  Since it was the most precious thing in my life -the thing I placed the most value on- I immediately became overtaken by the awareness that He was worthy of having me give it right back to Him.  He is so worthy of everything I am.  When you’re in love with someone you want to give them the very best of you & the very best thing you have.  I wept on the floor at what an amazing gift I would be given on this day & how honored & happy I was to lay it right back down at Father’s feet to use & do with us what ever He would like.  After 5:30pm that evening, I would have a better gift to lay down at His feet than I’ve ever had before.  Not only would I be giving Him my life alone, but Zach & I would be giving Him our lives as a team to work in tandem & covenant partnership with him to accomplish the purposes of His kingdom.  We would learn together what it means to die to ourselves in completely new ways as we step into marriage.  We would learn how to take on the heart of Jesus in new ways.  I could keep going about the depth of the revelation He gave me on this but then I’d be out of space to share the reset of the day!

After getting off the floor (& putting cold water on my eyes) I spent the morning getting ready with my very best friends.  We took our time, relaxed, had brunch together (thanks to mama Pam!), laughed & enjoyed each other.  It was perfect.  I wanted all of us to be together that morning & just enjoy friendship as we started the day & we did just that.

We arrived at The Loom (the venue) early afternoon for pictures & my & Zach’s first look.  Another one of my favorite moments was in our first look.  When we saw each other for the first time all we could do was burst into laughter!  Our hearts were so full of joy that it wouldn’t stay inside of us.  That’s the best kind of laughter :) I also got to present Zach with a letter I’d written to him almost 2 years ago when he did his 3 month stint at Harvest School in Mozambique (little did I know at the time that I would follow his footsteps there a year later).  I had addressed the letter to “my leader” & signed it “your bride” because I knew even then that He was the one who would be given that role in my life.  It was a page of blessing & declaring identity over him in ways specific to the role of husband.  I loved finally being able to give it to him.

The ceremony held my MOST favorite part of the day!  After the vows & rings were exchanged, we took communion together & then invited all of our friends who had been in Mozambique with us at Harvest School or had served with Iris Ministries to come forward & lay hands on us to bless & speak life into our new marriage.  We told the Lord that we wanted this time to be what ever He wanted it to be & that He had full cooperation from us to crash in.  We wanted what ever He wanted even if that looked different than what some people had seen at a wedding before.  When our friends began to pray for us & declare things over us His presence fell on us so beautifully & heavily.  The musicians played “On Christ the Rock” by Kim Walker as a declaration of what we wanted our marriage to stand on & when the song was over they could tell that the moment wasn’t finished so they went into spontaneous worship singing “Holy holy are you Lord God Almighty. Worthy is the Lamb”.  As they sang the song of the throne room (Revelation 4 & 5) everyone laying hands on us picked up on it & we all began to sing to the King together.  You could feel the holiness in those words as our hearts united to lift Him higher.  It was so beautiful.  My hearts desire was for our wedding not to be about us, but for it to be about Him & in that moment of worshipping Him, where all eyes & hearts were on him, my desire for the day was fulfilled.  His presence was so thickly surrounding us.  That was the most precious gift Father could have given me on that day.  I just wanted Him to come in & be part of the ceremony as our most honored guest & He did.  It was amazing.

After the ceremony, we partied & danced our shoes off at the reception.  It was a blast!!  The only thing I would change if I could, would be to have slowed down time.  I felt like I blinked once & it was over!  

It really was the best day & I’m so thankful for all the sweet moments & surprises in it.  They made it perfect for us.  Thank you for taking time ready up on how it went down! :)  Love you friends!





Side funny fact:  We all forgot about signing the marriage license at the wedding so it was signed at Cracker Barrel the next morning-haha.  That’s how we roll

Wearing a lot of balls on my plate...wait?

Wowzer!  Life has been a little bit of a whirl wind for the last 2 months.  I am doing well to remember what I ate for lunch earlier today much less to remember how to answer someone when they ask “how was your weekend?”  Was there a weekend recently?!  Did I miss it?  The only reason I’m able to type this post tonight is because an event on my calendar got canceled.  Life feels like it is going at 100mph right now & I know I’m not the only person who feels like that.   While I can honestly say there isn’t much I can cut out to slow down, what I can say is that this season has been an incredible lesson in learning to how to practice operating in a place of rest even when my life pace is demanding & fast.  I have failed miserably at that many times, but I’m also learning to get it right.

I’m wearing several hats right now, I’ve got several balls in the air that I’m juggling, lots of items on my plate…choose your favorite analogy.

  

Hat/Ball in the air/food item on plate #1

I am 2 months into planning my wedding & also 2 months away from it…That’s right.  We’re planning this puppy in 4 months.  It has actually been one of the easiest items to have on the plate.  Over the last 7 years I’ve heard first hand how stressful planning a wedding can be.  What I’ve realized with mine is this:  Yes, there are a lot of things to think about & make decisions on.  Yes, there are details that pop up that you won’t anticipate no matter how much of a planner you are.  Yes, at least one of your agenda items is bound not to get done by the dead line on your schedule.  NO, it does not have to be stressful.  When I feel my heart start to get pulled toward stress, I remind myself that my wedding day doesn’t actually need to have any of the things that I’m about to worry over.  Centerpieces, favors, the perfect songs, honestly even my wedding dress-I could go with out that & still marry the man of my dreams, my best friend, the person Father has blessed me to  partner with in ministry & walk through life with.  Re-centering myself around that truth keeps me from letting myself get wrapped up in trivial things that aren’t even important when it comes to the big picture of the covenant I’m stepping into.  Stepping back & taking a broad view of your situation is one of the healthiest practices you can have sometimes.

Hat/Ball/Food item #2

I work a demanding & frequently exhausting job.  I love what I do, but I do A LOT of it & I fly solo most of the time & that can wear anyone out.  Long story short, I work for a physical therapy company & my responsibility is to keep 17 of our clinics full of new patients needing therapy.  How do I do that?  I visit physician offices to nurture relationships with MDs & their staff as well as coordinating any marketing/community events that the company decides to participate in.  Here’s what it looks like in a super-simplified list: 

• Visit 210 MD offices every 6 weeks
• Establish & nurture relationship with close to 1,000 physicians in the aforementioned offices
• Keep 17 PT clinics busy with new patients
• Market multiple specialty service lines to MDs on top of the orthopedic rehab that all clinics do.  To do this you have to know your MDs, know what kind of patients they see & what programs will be most relevant to them.  It can be crazy when you multiply it by almost 1,000 docs

Sounds like a lot right?  Because it IS!  I had 3 days in a row last week that I was overwhelmed to the point of tears.  Again, I found myself with an opportunity to practice operating in a spirit of rest.  I reminded myself that my job is not my identity.  Yes, I love to perform well, but no it does not define me.

Hat/Ball/Food items #3-#?

• Serve on the board of directors for an amazing anti human trafficking organization called Switch42:16.  It is a complete honor & I’m so thankful to have been given that opportunity.
• Serve on the Church prayer teams on Monday nights.  
• Host/facilitate a bible study on Tuesdays with some of the most amazing women that I’m privileged to do life with.  I’m thankful for everything they bring into my life on a daily basis.
• Marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.  I’m so thankful for couples who have gone before us & can share their wisdom.  Shout out to Josh & Laura Houston who have been amazing so far!
• Still managing to get myself to the gym 4-5 times a week to get wedding/honeymoon ready.  
• Spending as much quality time with my handsome fiancé as I can.  (And I can hear some of you thinking right now.  "She listed him LAST on her list?"  Yes I did!  Because you're always supposed to save the best for last.) He works 50 + hours a week with a completely opposite work schedule from me (evenings & weekends) so we’re learning a lot of the same lessons right now.  He has done an amazing job of being intentional about our relationship even in this busy season & I’m so thankful.  He's a stud.

While it seems like I have a lot going on, I’ve realized that it has actually been a blessing in disguise because it has forced me to learn to rest in the middle of chaos.  I told someone the other day “If I can learn to operate in rest now, I think I'll have gotten it on a whole new level”.  If I didn’t learn to stay in a place of rest I would break down (learned that one first hand).  I used to cry out to the Lord to take some things off my plate, but what He’s done has been much better.  He’s strengthened & stabilized my spirit to be able to keep its peace & rest in the middle of a crazy life.  Abiding in His love & peace is the most restful thing I can do.  I don’t need to worry about having the perfect wedding, being the best performer at my job, having the best training on being a good wife, being an all-star board member or group leader etc.  Abiding with Him & believing that I am all He says I am makes me great at all of those things & with a lot less effort than I would have to exert if I tried to do it with out Him.  He knows what He’s doing when he says “Come to me all you who are weary & heavy laden & I will give you rest”.  He is the BEST rest-giver because his rest isn’t a cover up for burdens, it actually replaces them.  He takes our burdens away completely & gives us rest.  I couldn’t do this life with out him.  This post isn’t meant to be a “busy-ness comparison” for anyone to feel more or less busy than anyone else.  It was simply a post for me to 1) vent! & 2) share that the important thing to master in a busy life isn’t how well you can multi-task but how well you can learn to abide in Him & rest in the middle of chaos.  Learning to do that will be more valuable than any self-help book on time-management, multi-tasking or “being all you can be”.  His love is what enables us be all we were created to be :)  If you’re still reading, thanks for hanging in there!  I know this was a long one, but it sure felt good to get that off my chest :)  Thanks for listening!

Strength through weakness

My heart is still so full of the things of Pemba that some days I wake up & actually feel homesick.  It is hard to know what stories/lessons to share but I want them to stay fresh, and one way to make that happen is to share them :) Some of them were learned through laughter & some were learned through struggle, stretching & tears.  They are treasures to me, precious pearls that Father gave me there.  In deciding where to start, I knew that the first thing I needed to share post-Pemba was what got me through every single day there & what has continued to get me through every day thus far being home.  It is the realization in a deep deep place in my spirit that I have no ability to do ANY good thing on my own strength.  Here is what I mean…

Here in the Western world we don’t need in the physical.  I'd never been in another place for more than 2 weeks before to see what neediness feels like on a daily basis.  We think we are able to take care of ourselves out of our own strength & ability for the most part.  We work our jobs, we make money, we pay our bills, we buy our food etc.  We do much of that with out even being conscious about whose strength we are operating in.  I had no idea how many “good” things I was trying to do for the Lord out of my own strength here in America.  I wanted to love but I did it comfortably out of my own strength.  I wanted to be kind & be a good forgiver but how can you know how truly kind & forgiving you are until you meet some one who is terribly difficult to love?  Its easy to default to your own strength in places where you are comfortable & often you’ll never notice that’s what’s you’re doing.  In Pemba, however, things are different.  You have no comforts of home, no familiarities to be reassured by, little that you can claim as your own (except some dirty clothes & maybe a chocolate bon-bon but even that Father usually tells you to give away).  You are helpless on your own.  You are brought to a place of depending on others for almost everything.  Anything that was being done out of your own strength at home was revealed & that strength was proven insufficient.  I grew in this awareness as my time in Pemba progressed but the day that it broke me was the day that I woke up & , due to the conditions in Pemba & some physical issues in my body, I literally didn’t have the physical strength to lift up my mosquito net & put my feet on the floor.  I was weaker than I’ve ever felt & I had an African day ahead of me.  I had never been in such a needy place.  I’ve always had strength in myself to at least move my physical body!  I had no option but to acknowledge my weakness & call on Father to help me.  I said “Daddy I can’t even get out of the bed this morning.  Empty me of every ounce of my own strength that I’ve been trying to hold onto & fill me completely with yours.  It’s the only way I can get through this day.”  Immediately I was filled with a new sense of strength that not only got me out of the bed but that also made my joy overflow.

As life in Pemba went on I found myself praying that same prayer every single morning.  I would posture myself in humility & ask “Father empty me of every bit of myself today.  Empty me of any pride & ‘self’, empty me of any love or grace or kindness or ability to forgive that I might try to show out of my own strength & fill me with YOUR love, YOUR grace, YOUR eagerness to forgive, YOUR kindness…”  It has made all the difference in the world in how I go through my day.  I just have to stay totally empty of me & full of Him.  I feel more loving, more patient, more compassionate, more able to forgive & actually more like myself than I’ve ever felt before.  When you willingly die to yourself every day, you’re just a dead man walking & that’s the perfect place to be.  Perfectly dead to yourself, fully yielded to Jesus & falling more in love with Him by the moment.  There is so much peace & freedom that comes with that.    That’s what He wants for us- to stay completely empty of ourselves, to stay needy needy needy for Him &, because of that neediness, to receive the fullness of all that He is.  Neediness sounds contrary to what we’re taught here in the West but it is more liberating & full of joy than anything I could gain out of my own strength.  Paul says it is 2 Cor 12:9-10...

"...and he [The Lord] said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power Is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."