Samuel’s Searching

I haven’t shared very many glimpses into what motherhood has been teaching me (because hello newborn life!) but I wanted to write this moment from a few weeks ago. I want to always remember this one ❤️

As we started getting to know Samuel outside the womb, one of the first things we noticed about him was how he always seemed to have a furrowed brow, made eye contact immediately & held it so intensely with people. It literally would feel like he was looking right through your eyes into you at times. So many people who met him would say “Wow, that eye contact. He’s so alert already”. I wondered if he was going to just be a serious boy?

Then one night when I was putting him to bed, he was giving me that intense eye contact again.  I smiled as I laid him down and it suddenly hit me: “He looks like he is searching for something in my eyes”. I was immediately overwhelmed with the sense that he was searching for something familiar to him...He was searching for the eyes of Jesus. Tears fell as I realized what was happening. I believe it with all my heart: he’s seen the face of Jesus & he is looking for it in

the eyes he connects with here.  He’s locked eyes with the eyes of Jesus & already realizes he can’t live with out that.  His little gaze we labeled as “serious” was actually “searching”.

I told him that night “Baby, don’t ever forget that face. Do what ever you have to do to hang on to that in your heart. Look at Him every day. Tell me about it one day...”. I began to pray “Jesus let him see your eyes when he looks at me.  Let me be so connected to you that My eyes look like yours to my son.  May he find you in me as I find myself in you.”

I’m so thankful that I can mother him with the Holy Spirit & have these moments. These are treasures to my heart.  If any of you have seen this look, you’ve seen him looking for Jesus in you.

Grace & Peace: the first week of motherhood

“Grace & Peace”: they’ve been with us since Samuel came into the world a week ago.

One thing I quickly realized was that feeding baby boy was going to be more challenging than I expected (story of every mom, right?) Baby boy has two big ties affecting his latch. We are getting them corrected next week & to be honest- that feels like so far away when you’re feeding nearly every 2.5 hrs & it hurts. He has to work so hard to eat that he gets tired quick & feedings take double or tripple the time you thought they would take.  We’ve made the modifications that we feel peace about making to adjust but there have also been multiple moments where Samuel & I were both in tears together - frustrated, confused, both of us trying our best to get the hang of things.

But we are both determined - he is his mamas son. 

It’s stretching us, but anytime there is stretching there is growth. He is learning to stretch himself even when days old. I’m dying to myself in new ways to help him. 

I told a friend right before we had him that I had the strongest sense that I was dying & being born all at once. I was dying to life that could focus on me and a mother was being born.  It was preparing me for more of these dually occurring moments of “dying & being born”. So far, for me, motherhood has been exactly that. Death & birth happening inside all at once. It’s amazing; it’s challenging; its empowering one minute & then you feel you’re totally clueless in the next; it’s tiring; it’s full of the deepest joy & love.  Its Indescribable really. 

All that to say, in the stretching moments, I press in for that peace that marked Samuel’s birth. This song has been on repeat for the last several days.   I’m held by peace, & peace is only found in the presence of Jesus. When I’m confused, frustrated, feeling defeated, I turn my heart’s affection to Jesus & he holds me.  Peace floods in. Presence holds the solution every time.  He reminds me “you’re a daughter before you’re a mother. Live from that place.”  My good Father is giving me everything I need to be a good mother. Grace & peace abound. Thank you Jesus.

Sleepy heart rambles from a new mama ❤

https://music.apple.com/us/album/peace/1507049753?i=1507049765

Waiting becomes abiding

Waiting. I thought I’d be a pro at this by now. 4 & 1/2 years of learning to find treasure in waiting & somehow the last week of pregnancy feels embarrassingly challenging.  I’m still impatient. I’m trying not to wish these days away because I know I’ll look back & they’ll be just a blink but, buddy boy, I just want to hold you. I want to smooch your cheeks.  I want to find out what parts of your daddy I see in your face.  I want to lock eyes with you for the first time.  I want to feel that first skin to skin moment. I want my lung capacity back 😬

These last few days I’ve found myself pressing into Jesus for grace in a new but familiar way. He’s reminded me in every kind of waiting, He will always be the treasure we can find there as we shift our focus from the object of our waiting to His face.  I can have as much of Him as I’m hungry for, anytime, anywhere, & He is the only thing that satisfies.  My spirit knows He is the only thing that I really long for.  

In these last few days of wishing for baby, what I’m really longing for, what will really allow me to sit contently here is the same thing that enabled me to sit contently in the last 4 years - it’s Jesus.  It’s being with Him. It’s adoring Him. It’s feeling Him adore me.  When I sit with Him we’re outside of time & Im not waiting anymore for anything. I’m abiding. And that’s the place He wants me to live from. It’s the place where fruit grows.  It’s the place I become more like him.  Keep me here as long as you’ll stay here with me, Jesus. 

Processing pregnancy and Taking possession of Promised Lands

Time flies when you are enjoying pregnancy, managing work and ministry projects and then a pandemic hits! Since we announced our pregnancy, I haven’t had a chance to write about being on the other side of waiting for this promise. I can officially say I’m one of “those ladies” who loves pregnancy. It feels like such an honor to be a vessel for a miracle. I get to hold this growing life as the Father knits him together and prepares to release him on the earth, full of destiny, calling and significance. I have the privilege of speaking the first prayers over him that his little ears hear, singing the first songs of worship over him that he is soaked with, so many “firsts” that are already happening for him in the womb. This isn't a passive waiting season. It is so active. He lets me know it too! He loves fiery prayers, warm baths and coffee like his mama :) Yes, I definitely had some of your typical discomforts especially in the first trimester, but thankfulness took up all the room in my heart.  Waiting has a way of shifting your perspective. Even when it is uncomfortable, it is a miracle!  We waited almost 4 years, finding ourselves in multiple moments where breakthrough was postponed, little lives were lost, and we learned to lean deeper into Jesus and grow forward. (those stories are in the posts from 2016-2019 if you’d like to read them) This pregnancy– my fourth- is here to stay. Bless you Jesus. Every step of moving into a promised land is intentional and the Lord gives wisdom for each one. I want to share one of the gifts He gave me early on in this pregnancy to help me take this promised land with confidence.

Last November, we’d been recognizing signs of pregnancy & I’d been putting off taking a test just to see what my body continued to do. One particular night Zach was working late and I was watching “Call the Midwife” (where my BBC show fans at??). In this episode, Sister Julienne was caring for a newborn baby who was fighting for their life. She held him and prayed the following scripture over him. The words lept out of her mouth right into my spirit: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I have summoned you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, the waves will not overtake you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Holy one of Israel, your redeemer.” They were so alive to me that my spirit started buzzing. Immediately the Lord said to me, “hold onto this and take a test in the morning. “

The next morning, I did what He asked. I got ready for the day and waited for the test result. I’d taken what felt like countless tests over the last several years.  Normally, I’d rather just wait and see what my body does but this time I had a word from Father.  I took it this morning because He asked me to.  Anything He asks, even as small as taking a pregnancy test, He will always have my “yes”. It’s the number one core value of my life.  Three minutes later, there it was – two lines translating to “Yes, You are pregnant”. A swirl of familiar but new feelings filled my heart.  I relayed the news to Zach and we both calmly celebrated. The unspoken feeling in both our hearts was “We’ve been here before. Let’s proceed with caution.” There is nothing wrong with caution, but we have to let our hearts be searched and find out if what we are calling “caution” is actually fear wearing a mask of “reason”.  I took my breakfast into the study where I spend time with Jesus in the morning and I sat down to hold my heart out to Him and all that was bubbling in it. As I sat with Him, He nudged me to read into the verse He gave me the night before. I googled the part of the verse I could remember and found it was Isaiah 43.

1 But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…

18…Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland…”

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I read.  Every word felt specially crafted for me and this baby. As I read the chapter in its entirety, I could feel my “caution” being exposed as fear, and before it even had a chance to speak, the Lord had already given me His word that silenced it. He wanted me to be so confident in His word over this pregnancy that He spoke it to me before fear had any potential place to enter. He gave that gift to me the night before I found out I was pregnant because He knew what was coming in the morning. He always prepares us for what is ahead when we keep our ear and eyes turned to Him.

I grabbed a hold of that verse like life depended on it, because it did.  The life of my son was coming forth from that promise.  When the Lord speaks a word to you, it comes with the promise & power of life. His words always bring life because they are carried by His breath and all the life giving power that formed the universe is contained in that.  Confidence swelled in my heart and pushed caution further and further out. I processed the verses with Zach that night and we received them together. I wrote them on the white board on our fridge so I would see them every morning & declare them. The word of the Lord never returns void and always accomplishes its purpose.  Every time fear would try to come tell me that early-pregnancy was a familiar place that I’d been here before, I would remind fear of what the Lord had spoken, and it would flee. Some days it felt like it took more effort than others, but every time I submitted myself to God’s word and resisted the enemy, fear & anxiousness fled. “Submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and He will flee from you.” James 4:7.

The morning of our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, fear tried to knock again. In times past, most ultrasounds had only contained news of loss of life for us. They hadn't been fun or joyful. They tried to knock the wind out of me. I pressed into Jesus and He said “read my promise again”. As I read this particular morning, He made a distinction to me. “This isn’t just my promise to you. I'm speaking this promise to the child growing in you. It is for both of you as individuals.” I opened the eyes of my Spirit wider to see what He was saying. He impressed on my heart that He was speaking the first three verses directly to baby Brinson.  “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” He said, “I’ve already summoned him by name and he is mine. When he passes through the “waters” of birth, I will be with him. When he walks through the “fire” (“ring of fire” is a term often used in one of the last phases of delivery) he will not be harmed. He will be born passing through my presence.” Good gracious, it wrecked me again. One of the first words the Lord spoke directly to this little boy and I got to hear it with him.

Then the Lord took me down to verses 18 and 19 and told me those were mine. “…Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland…” I was to declare them, root myself in them, drive a steak into them and anchor myself to it. Every time the enemy would try to tell me I was in place I’d been before, I would remind myself (and him) that I’ve been called to “forget the former things.” Forget the former miscarriages, losses, deferred hopes, grief… SEE with faith filled vision the new thing the Lord is doing. Fix my eyes on it and don’t look backwards.  He's brought me to a new place and it will not have the outcome of the past. The Lord is the one who makes the way in the wilderness. Its not contingent on anything from me except trust & faith in Him to do what He’s spoken. Full transparency - it took me a minute to really kick fear out to the point that I didn’t even hear it’s voice, but as I continued to press in and renew my mind, it happened. I don’t hear its voice any more. I’m taking possession of this promise.

There is a beautiful parallel between how we are called to inhabit a promise from Father in our life and how the Lord guided Israel into their promised land. Israel had been in the desert for 40 years and finally stepped into new terrain. But, even though they were setting foot in the Promised Land, it wasn’t inhabited by them yet. There is a difference between stepping into something & possessing it. The land had other inhabitants that had to be kicked out. How often does this happen in our hearts when the Lord calls us to a higher perspective or revelation? Its probably happened to many of us even during this COVID19 pandemic.  We’ve seen places where our former ways of thinking or places we derived security from left us lacking peace and confidence of goodness.  Let those things be exposed and be encouraged by the fact that they are being revealed so you can kick them out.    The Lord commanded Israel over and over to “TAKE POSSESSION” of the promise. Taking possession of something is active, fierce & deliberate.  In the beginning of Deuteronomy, Moses stood before the Israelites as they prepared to go to battle and take possession of their promised land. To stir their courage and faith, Moses recounted  how the Lord had delivered every one of their enemies into their hands thus far. (Testimonies of Gods past faithfulness fuel our faith for future breakthroughs) They had already conquered many kings on their journey because the Lord gave them supernatural victory and delivered each one into their hands.  I can imagine, however, back on the day of that very first battle, as they gathered to march to war before they’d seen tangible evidence of how the Lord would bring victory, there were some mixed emotions. They were no army to match the military forces of kings when you looked at them in the natural. In fact, scripture tells us that all their “fighting men” died in the wilderness. They had zero military training or experience but they’d been commanded to fight. The Lord wanted all confidence taken out of man and put on him.

Deut 2:24 recounts that first battle in taking possession of the promised land.  Look at what the Lord told Moses before they marched: “SEE I have given into your hand...the king & his country. Begin to take possession of it & engage him in battle.” The Lord spoke assurance of victory to Moses before they stepped foot towards the battle field. Before they ever moved to fight, the Lord was declaring the outcome. This is exactly what He did for me through the verses in Isaiah. But even after the Lord told Moses to go fight, Moses was hesitant. That was a big command that would mean death for Israel if the Lord didn’t show up.  Instead of going straight to battle (prompt obedience), Moses sent message to the foreign king to see if he would let them peacefully pass through his land. The king refused. (coming up with a “compromise” with God that blends obedience with an easier route never works out well & actually prevents us from receiving His best for us)  Then the Lord spoke to Moses again “SEE I have begun to deliver the king & his country to you...conquer and possess it.” One word kept jumping out at me. He keeps repeating: “SEE”. He wasn’t speaking this as if He were annoyed with Moses’ hesitation saying “See, I’m trying to tell you…”. He was commanding the eyes of Moses’ spirit to “SEE”! It was as if He were healing him of the blindness of doubt and opening Moses’ eyes to higher truth. “SEE in faith that every word I speak will come to pass. SEE the battle through the leans of my power and faithfulness, not the natural probable outcome. SEE your victory Moses!”

The Lord said the same thing to me as I stepped into this promised land of pregnancy: “SEE Madison!” He summons our spirits to full attention to look with faith-filled vision over areas of our life where a battles are taking place. In this wild time where the world feels full of fear, anxiousness & uncertainty, I believe He is declaring it over many of us: “SEE!” It is a command and a healing word. He commands us to see our lives through the lens of His spoken promise. As we do, the blinders of doubt and fear fall away. The bold confidence of a warrior rises. If He spoke it, we can SEE it in faith & march into what ever is ahead, even if victory hasn’t manifested yet in the natural. Maybe He’s commanding you to SEE today? Is there an area of your life that you need to adjust your lease & SEE through eyes of victory? See your victory over every weapon that would rise against you as you journey to your promised land. “He who promised is faithful.” Even though weapons rise against us (or a pandemic, financial set back, fear, anxiety…), they will be thwarted…it is the inheritance of the servants of the Lord (Is 54:13) SEE that promise over your life today and take heart!

When we come out of this season of pandemic, we will be in a NEW place.  We are moving FORWARD, not going back to where we were.  We are taking new ground in the kingdom.  Revival is filling the earth, let it be fueled by us!  Don't settle for getting your life back to what it looked like prior to the battle, advance into the new territory the Lord is calling you to in this season.  Let the revival that has been sparked in your heart and home catapult you into a whole new place even after society & economy has recovered.  We won't settle back into old rhythms and places of security.  Let us have eyes to see and push forward with the move of God that is being poured out on the earth.

The Post We've Been Hoping & Believing for...

How do I start?  Every word feels small. It’s the one I’ve been waiting to write for four years. We’ve been hiding a sweet secret in our hearts that we want to share: Miracle Baby Brinson is growing strong & will be here in JULY 2020.

There is so much my heart wants to say, but for now, here is where I’ll start.  Deep thankfulness and thrilling joy are overflowing in us. The Lord is the God of miracles and He is faithful to see every promise He speaks come to pass. His love and faithfulness are unstoppable and relentless.

To all of you who have journeyed with us over the last 4 years: You’ve prayed with/for us, shed tears with us, hugged us when there were no words, encouraged us in truth, believed with us, and held our arms of faith up when we felt tired...this feels like as much of an answer to your prayers as it does our own. “The prayers of a righteous man (and woman) avail much.” Thank you so very much.

To the mamas still in the waiting: I love you and I’m with you still. Finding so many of you in this journey has brought me encouragement and given me a kind of friendship that I never knew I’d need. I’m declaring my breakthrough over you with an “AMEN” - “do it again Father.” What He will do for one He WILL do for another. You are seen. You are heard. You are not forgotten or skipped. You are precious and He sees and loves your mama-heart. He is faithful and good always. He wants to give you even more of Himself in this waiting place. You can come out of the driest dessert more in love with Him than ever before because when you came to the end of yourself, you fell into His arms. I pray you catch His gaze and hold it forever.

To our three babies in heaven: Ezra, sweet girl, thank you for letting your baby sibling have your first teddy bear here (and thank you to my mom for giving it to both of them!). Loving you three first has stretched my heart out to love your brother/sister even more than I thought possible. Thank you for awakening my mama-heart and teaching me how to fight for your lives. There are no prayers like the prayers for your child, even an unborn one. Thank you for pushing me into a new place of contending in faith in intercession.  Thank you for filling my heart up even when you couldn’t fill my arms.

To Zach: You are a rock, best friend, heart of wisdom, arms of compassion and voice of truth to our family like I never dreamed a husband could be. You are my hero. There is no one else in the world I would choose to walk this road with. I love the family motto we crafted in these years “Brinson’s shine brightest in hard places.” You are seriously going to be the best dad - you were made for Fatherhood.

And to precious Jesus: My words fall so very short. You are the treasure of the dessert. You met me in the barren place and showed me a love that has changed me deeply.  “Sing o barren woman, you who never bore a child...for your maker is your husband, the Lord almighty is His name.”  (Is 54). The song you wrote with me here has elevated me to sing notes I never knew I could reach.  You’ve swept me off my feet with the depths of love, hope, trust and surrender you’ve brought me into. And yet, this is just a dip in the vastness of your heart.  I’ll never stop diving.   I’m forever captivated and overwhelmed by you. You turned dry dessert into a watering hole where my spirit was nourished, loved, cared for, and romanced by your presence like no other season in my life.   Thank you for the gift of this precious baby, but even more, thank you for the gift of you. Nothing compares to you.

In 2015 before Zach and I began to try to grow our family, Zach had a dream where he saw me getting ready to deliver a child.  In the dream the Lord spoke and said the baby would be a Psalm 126 baby.  We pondered and read that chapter.  It didn’t really make sense to us at the time.  We had no clue as to what our journey into parenthood was about to look like, but as the years have passed and we stand here today, the words make perfect sense:

“When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.”

The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. We’ll be carrying our little “sheaf of Joy” with us in July.  And how sweet is it that July was also the due date month for our first baby.  The Lord redeems all things, even timelines of life that the enemy stole.  Thank you for celebrating with us. All glory to King Jesus.

Transitioning Well: keeping the main thing as the main thing

Today I was humbly reminded of the amazing patience & love of the Father in seasons of transition. Over the last two months Zach & I have been navigating another transition in life season. More had been asked of us by Father & we knew they were things for us to say yes to & partner with. One of our life core values is “Yes to Jesus at any cost.” But we know He always abundantly makes available the equipping needed for anything He calls us to. We were learning to balance “more” in several areas all at once.

In all my “balancing” & “partnering” I didn’t realize a subtle shift had begun to take place in my conversations & time with Father. They began to consist of prayers, scripture studies & seeking Him for ways I could manage transition well & find equipping for the responsibilities at hand rather than finding deeper intimacy with Him in the process. Seeking Him for guidance is wonderful & necessary but we can’t let a good thing replace the main thing - the main thing is always deeper intimacy with Him simply because we love Him & We want to know Him more deeply. When we focus on loving Him & receiving His love, the equipping & supernatural stretching of capacity happens naturally as a fruit of increased intimacy. He so faithful! He helped me see places in my own heart this morning where I’d been focusing on “good things” instead of the “main thing” & He so kindly & quickly brought me right back.

“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” 2 Peter 1:3. Did you catch that? We “receive all this (equipping) BY coming to KNOWHim...” (not asking Him for guidance a million times). In knowing Him, simply for the sole purpose of intimacy, we find everything we need for every transition, responsibility increase, ministry need, & season change.

I say all this in hopes that it can encourage someone else in transition, desiring to transition well. As we keep the main thing at the center of our heart, our capacity will expand supernaturally. You’ll find everything you need as you walk forward just loving & deeply knowing the Father. It sounds so easy & simple but if you’re anything like me, I still need the reminder sometimes 😊

Side note: can we celebrate that today is the first time in over 5 months that I’ve gone to have coffee WITH OUT my lap top! I didn’t want to create any opportunity for me to be tempted to work on anything. I could tell someone else “you have to schedule down time to take care of yourself” but I wasn’t practicing what I preach! It might have been the best decision I’ve made in 5 months 😉

Your “How” matters

 I’ve been reading through some of Genesis lately, starting where the Lord cut covenant with Abram. There, He reminded me of something so important for those of us who are waiting on His words over our lives to come to pass.  If you want to read along, check out Genesis 15.

Abram had just arrived in the land of Canaan, the land the Lord promised to give him and his descendants forever. The funny thing about that promise was that Abram had zero descendants at the time the promise was made and he was no spring chicken!  He was almost 80.   This is the moment in scripture where the land of Canaan became the “Promised Land” (Genesis 13). Years before any of Abram’s descendants ever existed, the Lord marked it for them. Over the course of the next several hundred years, Israel would be moved out of that land, put into slavery for 400 years, delivered from that slavery, return to the land of Canaan, uproot all its inhabitants, and settle in it as the Promised Land. What a ride.  The Lord is faithful to keep His promises.

In chapter 15, the Lord is preparing to cut covenant with Abram. “The word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision…”. The first thing to note is this: Abram received a clear word from God.  The Lord told Abram, an old childless man, that his descendants would outnumber the stars. This promise seemed opposite of Abram’s natural reality (well, because it was). Look at Abram’s response to that massive word. His response is the same one we are called to have when the word of the Lord comes to us. “Abram believed the Lord and He credited it to him as righteousness.” When the Lord directly speaks a word to us, we have two choices: question it, or believe it and grab it with both hands. What makes the difference in how we respond is what we focus on when the word is given. Do we focus on the “what” that was spoken or the “who” that said it?  If we let the “what” take precedence, words can feel “too big”.  When we focus ourselves on the “who” that spoke the word, we can be confident no matter how massive the word is, it’s as good as done. The Lord lives in the cosmic-sized miraculous.  Acknowledging that the creator of the universe has just given you a promise makes even the most immense words seem easy. He can not lie and He is always faithful. Abram knew this by faith and He grabbed His promise.

Have you ever had a word from God over your life like that? One that seemed massively opposite to your present circumstance? How did you respond?  For me over the last few years, one of those big words has been “Mother”. In the natural my circumstances say I may never be a mama, but the Lord has repeatedly spoken the word “Mother” over me for going on 4 years now, between 3 miscarriages. When circumstances say it can’t happen, faith and hope say “Watch what my Father is about to do”.  Our response to the word of the Lord in our life shows our level of trust in Him and our value for His word. As we "walk by faith and not by sight”, faith illuminates our path to show us where to place our feet. My feet are being planted on a path to Motherhood. I refuse to step off that path because I know what Father has repeatedly spoken to me in the secret place. If you have a promise from the Lord, grab it and don’t let it go.  Remember who it is that spoke it to you. Give it the honor it deserves.

                                             _________________________________


Now lets get to the part where the title of this post comes in. We’ve seen the back story. Abram knew that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. The Lord cut covenant on that promise.

I can imagine Abram started off confident in that word, standing firm in his belief of it. Who wouldn’t when the Lord himself visited you and cut a covenant with you?   Slowly, however, something began to happen.  Time passed. 10 years came and went and the Lords word hadn’t even began to come to pass yet. I don't care how patient you are, 10 years will start to feel like a long time.  Abram arrived at a fork in the road and his decision changed the course of history.

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.' Abram agreed to what Sarai said.” (Gen 16:1-2)

He allowed someone to convince Him to “help” the Lord’s word come to pass by taking matters into their own hands. This is what I want to focus on. When we have a clear word from the Lord, LET HIM BRING IT ABOUT no matter how long it takes. The “how” matters tremendously, not just the “what”. Abram heard the word of the Lord, but He didn’t hear a “how”. When his patience (or his confidence) grew thin he tried to create a path for himself.  That self-carved path led to generations of pain in Abraham’s family even though it looked like it was creating the outcome of the word of the Lord.  I’m not spinning scare tactics here.  The Lord is good and He can redeem all things, but I do want us to see the seriousness of staying yielded to the Lord in every step.  When God speaks a clear word, I believe He cares as much about how it comes to pass as the outcome. Much of His transformative work in our lives happens in the “how”. The “what” often takes time because He has purpose in how it comes to pass. Please hear my heart, I’m not saying run around paralyzed and scared to take any steps. Pursue the Lords promises with passion.  I believe the will of God can be vast in many areas and often times He allows us to make decisions because He trusts us, but we have to stop, ask, and listen. We have to weigh our choice with the Lord. If something looks like it could be an opportunity for a word He spoke to come to pass, don’t make an assumption. Stop and ask Him if that is your step. This helps keep us from self-promotion (forcing a word to happen outside of His plan) and choosing seemingly “good ways” over “God ways”.

You have a word from God over your life, and that's wonderful! Celebrate it, believe it, treasure it, hold onto it for dear life. Just don’t force it. In my waiting on His word of “Mother” in my life, I’ve had many opportunities to attempt to make it happen: more extensive medical interventions, adoption, assuming the word was just in reference to spiritual mothering… you name it.  Each of those are wonderful things and I'm all for them. I have dear friends who the Lord has told to pursue those things and it was obedience for them to do so. But I know in my heart, because I’ve weighted each of those options with the Lord, that He hasn’t told me those are my paths right now.  Who knows, maybe they will be tomorrow, but I'm responsible for my obedience in today. How His word comes to pass is as important in His plan as the word itself.  We see it in Abram's life, and we can see it in our own.  When we stay confident in Him and keep our ear tuned to His voice, we'll never feel the need to rush the Lord or try to take matters into our own hands. Often His path is longer, wild, but more brilliant than anything we could come up with. His “how” is as trust worthy as His “what”. Our job is to stay yielded & surrendered so we are ready to say yes to each step of His “how”.  For any one who is waiting on a promise to come to pass, I'm with you.  I hope this encourages you to be confident that His plan is in place, even if you can't see evidence of it.  His "how" is beautiful.

SEEING Our Victory

Lately I’ve felt the Lord tell me it’s time to study Deuteronomy again because it’s lining up with a new season we’re walking in. I was praying this morning before I dove in for today & asked the Lord help me have eyes to see the things He’s hidden for me to search out. He was immediately faithful to answer that prayer & I wanted to share:

In the beginning of Deuteronomy, Moses begins to recount to the Israelites how the Lord delivered every one of their enemies into their hands so they could take possession of their promise. (Testimonies of Gods past faithfulness fuels our faith for future breakthroughs) They conquered many kings & took their land because the Lord gave them supernatural victory & delivered each one to them. I can imagine, however, that very first battle, before they’d seen tangible evidence of how the Lord would bring victory, was a little nerve wracking. They were no army to match the military forces of kings when you looked at them in the natural, but they’d been commanded to fight. Sounding like a familiar situation to anyone?

In Deut 2:24 it recounts the story of that first battle. The Lord told Moses “SEE I have given into your hand...the king & his country. Begin to take possession of it & engage him in battle.” The Lord spoke His assurance of victory to Moses before they ever stepped towards the battle field. Before they ever moved to battle, the Lord was declaring the outcome, but even after the Lord told Moses to go fight, Moses was hesitant. That was a big command that would mean death for Israel if it didn’t come to pass. Instead of going straight to battle (prompt obedience), Moses sent message to the king to see if he would let them peacefully pass through his land. The king refused. The Lord spoke to Moses again “SEE I have begun to deliver the king & his country to you...conquer & possess it.”

One word kept jumping out at me the the Lord repeated to Moses: “SEE”. He wasn’t speaking this as if He were annoyed with Moses’ hesitation saying “See, I told you so”. He was commanding the eyes of Moses’ spirit to “SEE”! It was as if He were healing him of the blindness of doubt & opening Moses’ eyes to higher truth. “SEE in faith that every word I speak will come to pass. SEE the battle through the lease of my faithfulness, not the natural probable outcome. SEE your victory Moses!”

As I read & re-read, I heard the Lord saying the same thing to me: “SEE Madison!” He was summoning my spirit to full attention to look in fullness of faith over areas of my life where a battle was taking place. I believe He is declaring it over many of us. “SEE!” It is a command & a healing word. He commands us to see our lives through the lens of His spoken promise & as we do, the blinders of fear fall away. The bold confidence of a warrior rises. If He said it, we can SEE it in faith & march into what ever is ahead, even if victory hasn’t manifested yet in the natural. Maybe He’s commanding you to SEE today? Is there an area of your life that you need to adjust your lease & SEE through eyes of victory? See your victory over every weapon that would rise against you as you journey to your promised land. “He who promised is faithful.”

Due Date Anniversaries & Hope

The day before the 4th of July- a day of planning fun activities & time with friends & family celebrating the freedom we’ve been given. I love all of those things, but for me, today holds A little more than holiday planning.

Today is the anniversary of my first baby’s due date. If she had come into this world, she would have turned 2 today. Her name is Ezra. Her name means “my help” & becoming pregnant with her changed my heart & my life, even though hers was so short lived. She helped my heart come to life in a powerful way. The mama heart that rose up in me was filled with a joy & fierceness like I’d never felt. Even though I didn’t get to hold her, I still miss her. She made me a mama.

Miscarriages are such a hidden grief. Most people don’t ever see them. There are few “symptoms” that show what a mama is walking through. What I am so incredibly thankful for is the presence of Jesus & how he sees every place in my heart than no one else does. When most have forgotten what happened or never knew in the first place, He sees & grieves with me. He comforts hurts that no one else knows are there. He is “El Roi”: “the God who Sees me”. He sees every hidden hurt, every tear of grief & heartache. He not only sees, but he is so very near. His presence is what is promised in heart ache “he is near to the broken hearted” (Ps 34:18). 

I can recall countless times over the last three & a half years & three losses, where I felt his arms tight around me & His hands pulling me into His chest as I cried out my grief. I felt his pleasure pour over me as I heard the negative report of a doctor & I chose to respond by pressing into Him for comfort & faith to hope again. He is the great Shepherd who knows how to perfectly love & lead us through grief & heart ache.

In every one of my losses, He has been a comforter & healer of my heart like nothing else could come close to being. He is the reason I can look towards the future with fullness of hope & confident expectation of good, despite reoccurrent loss. He is my hope, not an outcome. I can acknowledge this day, missing my sweet girl, but also with peace & hope in my heart that Jesus is still only getting started with my family’s story ❤️

I re-read this post from a few years ago that I wrote as an encouragement for anyone who feels they are waiting on a promise.  I'm sharing the Link Here for anyone who might need a reminder to keep hoping when all you seem to see is desert. Jesus is our treasure there. 🔥

Declaration of a Butterfly Bush

She declares her resilience.

This is my butterfly bush. Up until three weeks ago, she happily resided in my front yard. I planted her there three years ago and she grew tremendously. I was consistently pruning her because she was quickly outgrowing her space. This Spring I decided to do something a little more drastic in order to allow her to grow to more of her full potential. I chose to move her...to a new space, new soil, new exposure to sun. She would have room to grow as big as she wanted if she could survive the transition. I decided her potential beauty was worth the risk.

I took a shovel to her ground and began to uproot her, trying as carefully as I could to protect her roots. A few of them were holding on so tight to the old soil that I couldn’t take them with me. I had to cut them. I hoped the rest of her was strong enough to recover from leaving some pieces of her in the old soil.

I planted her in the new unfamiliar ground and I watered her everyday. Despite my watering, over the next week all her leaves wilted. Over half of them turned brown and dropped off. She was in “root shock”: The state a plant enters into when they are abruptly moved out of their comfy rooted spot and put into an unfamiliar place where they have no grip. I was sure I’d killed her for the sake of giving her freedom. Regardless of how she looked, I watered. Everyday, I showered her hoping to see a sign of resilience.

Week 2 came and went with no change. Brown was her covering. Still I watered and believed. Then, week 3 arrived and I began to see a shift. Fresh green was faintly emerging from her browned branches. I watered & watered. Today, I went to check on her and to my joy, I found a gift. A tiny purple blossom holding its head high. Her declaration to me that she was resilient. Her shout that she could go through hard things and come out thriving. She would bear fruit even on the other side of upheaval and letting go of her familiar. She was willing to go through the discomfort of transition to experience the joy of new freedom. Space to grow and become as big as she wanted to be. The strength she developed in the transition would be what sets her up to be able to grow to new heights.

I’ve always said gardening is so spiritual to me. Jesus meets me in the dirt every single time and this experience was no different. As I celebrated her tiny blossom with Him and thanked Him that she was not only going to survive but thrive, He said to me “Yes I know. Isn’t she amazing? She is you.” 😭🙌🏼 And isnt she all of us who are overcomers? If you’re going through an upheaval in your world, receive her blossom as yours today ❤️You were created with resilience in you.

“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Is 58:11

“Anticipate the call”

Hey friends! This is a little bit of a different post for me so I just wanted to give you a heads up before you dive in :) One morning recently while I was worshiping, the Lord showed me a picture that steadied my heart in the season I'm in. In my heart, I feel so strongly that there are some others in similar seasons that it might speak to so I want to share in hopes that it blesses you! Here we go...

During worship, Jesus took my spirit's eye to a picture of me on the ocean in a well made sail boat. The skies over me were cloudy and the water was deep gray and very choppy. I wouldn't call it an all out storm but the water was rough enough to make you stay cautious and alert to everything you needed to be aware of to sail steadily. I was mindful of the wind's speed and direction, each rope, the sail position...there was no passivity. I looked out onto the ocean around me and suddenly Jesus appeared standing on the water about 25 yards to the side of my boat. Immediately I heard Him say “Anticipate my call.” I knew He was asking me to let go of the boat so I began to ready my heart to step out of it. I let go of the "ropes" and shifted my focus from steering/navigating to readying my feet to step out of a secure place. He hadn’t called me to step yet, but He wanted me to know He was going to and He wanted me to be ready to be immediately obedient.

Here’s what I felt He was saying to a specific situation in my life, and maybe its for some of you too. There has been a course we’ve been on, some of us for years, that is a good course. Its a course He called us to. When we started out, He gave us the blueprints for our "boat", helped us build it, and taught us how to sail skillfully in it. We've been sailing in obedience but He is getting ready to call us out of that boat. Its not just to change course, its to abandon ship all together. We follow His presence. We can’t let ourselves get so attached to the boat He’s helped us build that when He calls us to a new place, we hesitate or act surprised that He's asking us to leave. It’s not about our "boats", it’s about His presence and following Him. We rarely see Jesus on the shore when we’re in the boat (heck most of the time we can't even see the shore! There's no safety net except Him. #amiright?). We always see Him on the water. He is always doing the impossible and calling us to follow in faith. “Anticipate the call”. When we see Him on the water, we should never be surprised that He calls us there, even if it means leaving behind something we’ve felt Him help us build.

The other thing I felt Him highlight is that He said “anticipate my call” not “jump out as soon as you see me.” The words he chooses to speak to us are intentional and precise. The timing of our “abandon ship” is important because His timing is always strategic. If we see him on the water, we shouldn’t assume we should go ahead and jump. Listen for His voice. Once He lets us know to anticipate a change, its our job to ready our hearts to be obedient as soon as He says it’s time. Anticipate means “to realize before hand; to expect; to be sure of.” Anticipating His call (realizing and being sure He is about to transition us out of something and into something new) readies our heart to let go of a boat we've grown to value when He says it’s time. It takes the shock factor away when He asks us to do something that seems crazy to the world. Sometimes He shifts things on us immediately, but sometimes He gives us an opportunity to prepare for what He’s calling us so we can be ready. Don’t waste that time. Press in if you feel Him telling you to anticipate change. He's emphasizing that is vital for your heart to be ready. Let go of the things you might be clinging to that aren’t for the next season. Loosen the ropes on securities that you’ve allowed your heart to stand on that He may be calling you out of. Be ready to step right out of your boat as soon as you hear Him say “Now”. He is always trustworthy and worthy of immediate obedience. You can be sure He is taking you from glory to glory. What ever He asks you to step away from, you can guarantee what He will take you into will be immeasurably better. It’s His nature to upgrade.

In this season of anticipating His call to "come now", I want my eyes to be so fixed on His beautiful face that I don't even think about looking back at what I will leave behind. His gaze has captivated me for life and I want my eyes to always be fixed on the prize of His presence. Regardless of what I step away from, He is worth it. Every step made in obedience gives Him more from our life and positions us in deeper intimacy with Him. He is so worthy. Maybe you're in the same boat with me (see what I did there? :) Couldn't help myself!). If you’re seeing him on the water and He's told you He's going to call, ready your heart. His call is coming at the perfect moment. When He tells us to abandon ship, it’s because we’re about to walk on water. I'm praying for all of us going through a transition and that we would give Him everything we can from our lives in this place.

This is one of my favorite Summer vaycay pics featuring my handsome hubby and thought it was pretty fitting!  Walking right into the waves, not worried about the clouds, fearless.

The Fruit of 2018

I’ve been asking the Lord to give me more of His eyes to see the fruit from 2018 in my life. 2018 was so very hard. The kind of hard that isn’t because of any one thing but multiple things happening one after the other that you never ever expected. We had losses, disappointments, places that I had hidden identity in for years that Father removed (for my good but still painful!), things I valued being laid down, steps that didn’t turn out to be anything like I expected...So many tears fell last year. I’m so glad it’s behind me. But with great challenge comes great overcoming. No matter how much around us seems to be lost or falling apart, we are more than conquerors because our strength & peace isn’t in a circumstance, a dream being fulfilled, a family, a job or even a calling. It is in Jesus & only Jesus. We always have Him.

When I asked Him to help me see more of the fruit of what He sowed in me last year, He showed me something I want to share. I hope it encourages anyone else whose 2018 was different from what you hoped for:

I saw a picture of me walking in a dark room with a blindfold on. That’s how so much of last year felt. But the whole time I was right beside Jesus with my hand on his shoulder. When He moved, I would feel Him shift & I’d shift myself to continue in line with His step so that my hand would never leave Him. He never spoke a word. He didn’t have to. Because of how close we were walking together, he didn’t have to guide me with words, he guided me with presence. I kept my hand on the Great Shepherd & He led me. I moved with the pull of His movement. I walked where I sensed His presence. I didn’t need to see anything.

I so desired to be led by His voice that I forgot how well He can lead with out ever speaking. The voice leads wether you’re near or far from Him. He can speak & we will hear it even if we aren’t next to Him (just like we can do with each other.) But being led by His presence means we have to be close enough to touch. It’s actually a result of intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, I adore His voice. It’s the most beautiful sound you’ll ever hear. Sometimes He leads us with it. But sometimes He leads only by presence- taking your hand in His, beginning to move, and smiling as you follow. That is trust- no explanation of the movement, simply stepping together, confident that He is taking you where you exactly where you are supposed to be. 2018 felt like one long exercise in that but I look back & Im so thankful. When I thought 2018 was feeling like a lesson in perseverance & steadfastness, I see it was actually a lesson in dancing with Jesus. He is my life long lead & He doesn’t have to tell me what dance we’re doing for me to follow. I want to always be in His arms, moving where He moves. He can dance with me on top of joy or disappointment, and what is under my feet doesn’t cause me to trip because of who is in my arms ❤️🔥 My Great Shepherd is Lord & Lover of every step of my life-dance.

When Loss Feels Familiar, Hope is My Banner

After my most recent post this past Summer, I thought and hoped I would never have to write about miscarriage again.  Breakthrough was next.  I believed it.  Yet, here I sit writing again on a topic that I’ve written on before and hoping in faith again that this will be the last time.  In walking through this kind of loss several times now I’ve learned it’s best, for me, not to try to hide it just because it’s a topic many people don’t understand or feel comfortable talking about. For some strange reason, fertility struggles are still a fairly hush-hush topic.  I personally just don’t think that’s right.  How can you shine light on something that people feel like they have to hide?  In being open about my journey and what Father has taught me in it, I’ve connected with so many amazing women who are walking this same road.  We've encouraged each other to keep our eyes on Jesus and believe for our miracles.  I've also been encouraged by amazing people who have never experienced this kind of pain, but who realize pain is pain.  Most people who are hurting aren’t asking you to understand their pain as much as they are asking you to simply see them and show them the love of Jesus (whether they know to call it that or not).  That desire is universal in any type of pain.  We don’t have to understand by experience exactly what each other’s struggle feels like to know it’s hard.  Pain may be pain, but Jesus is also JESUS.  He is the answer to overcoming and healing from every pain regardless of source or type.  He is peace, He is faithful, He is hope, He restores places long devastated by disappointment (Is 61).

So let me start by backing up a little bit.  Over the Summer, we felt led to pause on intentionally focusing on growing our family for a while and settle into having a season of rest.  If we conceived during that time, fantastic, but if not, that was ok too.  Rest was our priority.  It was the best decision for my heart.  We went through the Summer and I re-centered myself in rest and abiding in hope.  Hope is courageous when you've faced repeated disappointments in any area of life.  It is a deliberate choice that often feels opposite to what the world would tell us to feel based on the past but it is a powerful tool that believers are called to arm themselves with (for more on that specifically, I’d love for you to visit this post: Hope: a weapon in the desert).

Now, let’s fast forward to this past October.  We found out we were pregnant again ☺ We were believing this was our miracle baby that would come into this world and release their destiny here.  We were claiming every promise that had been spoken over us as parents and over our children would begin to be made manifest starting now.  Faith was our anchor.  “Faith is the substance of things hoped for.  The certainty of things not yet seen.”  (Heb 11:1)  The enemy wanted to tell me that this pregnancy would end up like the ones in the past.  He tried to tell me not to get my hopes up and to stay guarded.  He tried to make me fearful that any time I wasn’t “feeling” pregnant that something had happened to the baby.  My pregnancy journey was about walking in hope and denying the enemy's voice a place of influence in my heart.  I chose hope.  I chose joy.  I chose celebration of this life.  My mama heart already loved this little one and they deserved to be celebrated regardless of how long I would have them with me.

I walked through 9 weeks of pregnancy feeling very pregnant and rejoicing over those symptoms.  I’ve never been so thankful for nausea, fatigue, and lack of appetite in my life!  I took every symptom as a gift of confirmation (…Except the mood swings.  Geeze, I felt like a certifiable crazy lady some days).  Being under the care of a fertility doctor, as soon as you see a positive pregnancy test, they have you come in and begin testing to ensure your body is doing all the things it is supposed to do to properly support your pregnancy.  I tested perfectly.  Praise!  We journeyed through the next several weeks and waited for the appointment where they would conduct our first ultrasound.  That day came and was such a happy day.  In a matter of seconds viewing the ultrasound, our doctor grinned,  “I see a heart beat”.  When I heard the sound of that beating heart it was one of the most powerful, beautiful rhythms I’ve ever heard.  Tears flowed.  He told us that it was an excellent heartbeat and that every thing looked as healthy as it could right now.  He also reminded us that he can’t predict the future so he wanted us back for one more ultrasound in a week before we transitioned to regular OB care.

Six days later we were headed back to hear that heart beat again.  They turned on the screen and immediately we could see that the baby had grown, but something was different this week.  Something was missing.  Where was that beautiful beat we’d heard last week?  The doctor didn’t see that flutter of life on the screen where the baby’s heart was.  We realized then, that sometime in the last 6 days the heartbeat had stopped.  We were truly stunned.  There were sincere condolences and heartfelt empathy in that room as we started to take in what we’d just been told.  My doctor is the truly the most amazing doctor we could have ever hoped for in this journey.  He is professional, but full of empathy, extremely knowledgeable, kind and gifted at what he does.  He immediately asked me if we would like to schedule surgery because he knew that my body has never registered my miscarriages.  I told him we wanted to do another ultrasound to confirm the news and he gladly agreed.  I told him if what we saw today didn’t change then we could do the surgery.  He moved his surgery schedule around the very next day, adding me to the end of his day in the OR so that I didn’t have to wait if the ultrasound didn’t show change.  He scheduled those appointments with me and we had a 20 hour waiting period until next steps would be taken.

The rest of that day was a blur.  There was so much Zach & I were processing and taking in.  One thing we knew we were doing was believing and interceding for a miracle of life.  The next morning, I got up and readied myself to leave in a few hours for the confirmation ultrasound.  Zach and I both chose to prepare by spending the morning worshiping King Jesus and rooting our hearts in His faithfulness.  We had been here before.  We were familiar with this “in between” where we’d heard the word of man tell us life had ceased, but we were making room for a miracle, believing and declaring once again that our God reigns over all death and He is the giver of life and life abundant.  He is a miracle working God, but so often His people treat miracles like the exception instead of the expectation.  Zach and I believe He calls us higher.  We believe Jesus meant what He said when he called us to pray "...Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."  He calls us to pray in line with the Fathers heart and will and, by faith, to believe for the miraculous to be normal.  We will press in and contend for that until we see it.  Its how Jesus lived. We rose up in our spirits and we interceded for this baby’s life with every bit of faith we had.  I got up and immediately began to declare the Word over myself, starting with Psalm 103:

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

When we command our souls to praise, we are taking charge over our soul (our thoughts, and emotions) through our spirit.  That is how we were created to live – led by our spirit, not our souls.  Our spirits are one with the spirit of Jesus, so when we command our soul to submit to our spirit which is submitted to His Holy Spirit, we live in right order.  We command our soul to step out of any feelings from the enemy or from the flesh and step into praise because worship is a both a weapon and a shield.  It is both offensive and defensive.  I LOVE that Father designed worship that way!  He is so good.  Worship shields us from being influenced by the lies of the enemy, and it is a weapon that rids our hearts of worry or fear and replaces them with peace.  The more we worship Jesus, the more our eyes are taken off our circumstance and put on Him and His goodness.  The enemy’s voice is silenced with every word of worship that we declare.  The Holy Spirit took me through the most beautiful path of scriptures and songs to sing that morning.  He led me through Isaiah 54, Psalm 126 and singing of God’s goodness and faithfulness.  I felt my spirit soaring as we got in the car to go to the ultrasound.  I believed with all my heart for my miracle, but I also reminded myself that my hope was ultimately Jesus regardless of what we saw in that ultrasound.  That is the place of firm foundation.  He is the place of unwavering hope.

A very special sweatshirt was my wardrobe selection for that day.  I’d ordered it several weeks ago, before we even knew we were pregnant.  It was a sweatshirt that read “HOPE VIBES” from a ministry called ‘The Garden’ (an encouragement group for women walking through seasons of physical barrenness who are believing for miracles in their lives.  If you’d like to learn about it, message me!).  It had arrived literally two days before all this happened and I knew it had come right in time for me to wear on this day.  I put on my Hope Vibes sweatshirt and wore it right into the ultrasound room as a banner over me, praying for a miracle to be seen on that screen; believing to hear a heartbeat again and that I wouldn’t be going to surgery.

This is the part that no one loves to hear, but it’s how this part of our story goes.  In the ultrasound, it showed the same thing as the day prior.  There was still no heartbeat.  Now came our moment to choose what we would believe and feel next.  We felt sadness and grief, but with out hesitation we chose to lean into trust and the peace of Jesus.  We didn’t see the miracle we’d hoped for.  Zach and I were heartbroken but not shaken. The enemy wanted to tell me to be embarrassed for wearing my “Hope” sweatshirt now.  I told him to take that to hell.  That outcome didn’t change my hope.  My Hope wasn’t just for a miracle in my belly, it was rooted in Jesus. When the miracle didn’t come, Jesus remained and He is my hope.

I left that appointment and immediately went to check in to pre-op.  We felt the nearness of Jesus all over us that day even through surgery.  His tangible pleasure washed over us.  We’d chosen to look loss in the face again and choose, by faith, to believe a good Father for a miracle. When the miracle didn’t come, it didn’t change our belief that our Father was good.  Our circumstances don’t dictate who He is. Who he is dictates how we can walk above our circumstances.  He gives us the ability to walk above all that the enemy throws at us by abiding in Him. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel disappointment, heartache, grief or loss.  Suffering is part of life in a world where sin exists.  That’s not a popular statement in some circles these days but he tells us in scripture “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-4).  We should always believe for miracles.  We should always live to release the kingdom of heaven in all we do, but we shouldn’t act entitled to a life free of struggle.  Struggle is often where we learn what it is be rooted in truth and faith.  If Jesus himself wasn’t spared from suffering, but brought men’s sanctification through his suffering and sacrifice, how much more are we to learn from Him?  We are called to be like Him, and that includes looking like Him in how we walk through struggles.  Its easy to cry out for deliverance from struggles but what if we learn to shift our desire and cry out to look like Him in them?  It doesn’t mean we settle for expecting less than the miraculous, it just means we learn to live with our highest priority being to look like Jesus in all things. Sometimes that looks like miracles, and sometimes that looks like enduring suffering with His heart to bring glory to the Father no matter the cost.

I do want to be clear on this: I, personally, do not believe Father took our baby.  He is the Father of light and the giver of life – that’s what He does.  Regardless of the reason for miscarriage, He is mighty to save and could have healed anything that needed healing in order to sustain life.  The enemy is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  We can't fall for the enemy's trick of getting us to contribute something to God that was actually a work of the enemy just to make ourselves feel some sense that Gods hand was in it.  I also know that Jesus is all powerful and sovereign.  He could have easily brought that miracle.  I don't have an answer as to why He didn't but I trust Him.  We can't allow what we don't understand to change what we know to be true about our loving Father.  I can’t let myself get stuck walking in circles around all the “why’s” that my flesh is tempted to dwell on.  It is so "human" to want to attain understanding of things that happen to or around us, but he tells us to lean not on our own understanding.  I'm not saying we should never ask "why".  It is so good to be honest with Father and ask Him our questions.  He is never offended by our questions or desire for understanding.  In fact, some of the deepest revelations will come on the other side of brave questions. We just can't fixate more on gaining understanding that we do on trusting Him.   If I press in to ask “why” and He doesn’t share the answer, then my next act of obedience is to trust Him and let that be enough.  He promises that “He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose.” Rom 8:28.  It doesn’t say He is the cause of everything that happens to us.  It says He can take all things, even the things intended for harm, and work them for our good.  That is the redeeming nature and power of our God.  We are not victims, we are over comers in all things.  That is the hope He brings and I will cling to that hope with every fiber of my being.  I have that hope as an anchor to my soul.  I want to walk as a hope-warrior, resilient in all circumstances because Jesus has given me the ability to overcome all things in Him.

I want to encourage anyone else who is going through heartache, loss or grief: you can grieve and still walk in confident hope at the same time. Grief is good, and it doesn't mean despair.  Grief and hope can co-habitate.  That happens by being open with the Father about your pain while making Jesus your ultimate Hope.  It can take tremendous courage to choose hope in the middle of disappointment but God sees you and calls you "courageous one".  It doesn’t mean you won’t feel tempted to believe the enemy's lies of hopelessness if you face repeated disappointment.  It means you take those thoughts captive and make a habit of asking Jesus what His truth says about those thoughts or lies you’re hearing.  It takes intentional co-laboring with Him to renew our minds.  Our Jesus is ever-faithful and He is worthy of our hope even when it feels like a challenge.  My heart longs to hold all three of my babies that I’ve lost, but I have full confidence that my Heavenly Father is still only beginning our story and He is going to redeem all that’s been lost in ways I can’t even imagine.  He is a redeemer of stolen things and He returns with abundance!  I’m praying for all the mamas-in-the-waiting and others of you waiting on any desires of your heart to be fulfilled.  He is faithful and we can walk as hope-warriors with confident expectation of His goodness to be seen.  I sing the song linked below often, and I welcome you to sing it with me.  What ever you're hoping or contending for, let it be your declaration.  Rise up, courageous one.  Breathe deep and rest your heart in the one who is Hope.

Confident - Steffany Gretzinger

"I'm confident your faithfulness will see me through.  My soul can rest.  My righteousness is found in you.  With every moment left, with every borrowed breath, let this be true:  that all my heart for all my life belongs to you."

Thriving in Fire

Hi friends! I’ve been wanting to write over the last few months but just couldn’t quite craft the words until recently. I could feel my heart going through some refining and sometimes when you’re right in the middle of it, you don’t have eyes to fully see what Father is doing or why it feels the way it does, you just know you feel the holy tension that comes with it.  He always reminds me that the important thing in refining is not that we understand the “why” or even the “what are you doing?” behind it, but that we yield to it trusting that every purpose Father intended it for will be accomplished as we submit to it. He is good and everything He does in our heart is for our benefit and to become more like Him.

Jumping right in – many of you know that part of my and Zach’s story over the last few years has been our journey to growing our family. You can read lots more about it with my posts from 2016. I've found fertility struggles to be very different kind of challenge.  Most hard things I’ve been through in my life have either been a result of a choice I made or they have been things that I’ve had some sort of ability to resolve and control progress through. This is different.  "Unexplained Infertility" is what the docs call it.  Its not fun, but Father has taught me to learn to rest in full surrender, even in my desire to become a mother.  He's taught me not to struggle with surrendering that part of my heart to Him but to rest in surrendering it because He's trustworthy.  My heart hasn’t given up; giving up stems from defeat.  Surrender willingly lets go of control out of trust and intimacy with the one being surrendered to.  I still long for for children, but I’m in joy & peace in the waiting.  He's brought me to deeper, more established places of hope, trust and intimacy with Him than I ever thought something this difficult could lead to. Its beautiful how He set the kingdom up that way – the things that would bring hopelessness apart from Him can become catalysts to intimacy and deeper faith as we walk through them inside of Him.  Treasures have come from this season but they’ve usually been uncovered on the other side of tension and allowing Him to renew my perspective.

The 2018 year rolled around and it had been a little over a year since our first miscarriage (You can read about that in this post). In the following months of 2017 after that loss, we stood in faith, prayed, declared, believed and hoped to conceive again every month. Jesus shepherded my heart through that year so beautifully. He led me to value finding Him in the desert above getting out of the desert. He is the treasure in the desert and I can always find Him deeply there. Fast forward to this past January-we found out we were pregnant again and we were thrilled. I rallied my heart and declared that the outcome from the past would not give fear a voice in our present miracle. We can’t give fear a foothold because if it get's an inch, it will try to take a mile. We keep the door to fear firmly closed by renewing our minds to the truth that “There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear.” (1 John 4:18)  The two can't reside together.  If I’m to walk in the fullness of love, I can’t listen to any voice of fear.  I stayed rooted in thankfulness daily and declared life and destiny over this little one that was being formed in me.  Since we’d conceived with medical help this time, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was going in for appointments two, sometimes three, days a week for blood work, ultrasounds and #allthethings that fertility medicine comes with.  A few weeks later our doctor told us that sadly, the pregnancy didn’t look viable.  He wanted to bring me back in once more in a week to see if any fetal growth had occurred.  My initial response to that news was heartbreak.  Fear & cynicism came knocking, trying to tell my heart “I had a feeling this was going to happen again. You shouldn’t have let yourself get excited.” I accepted the news and went straight into grief.  I didn’t stop to contend for a miracle like we’d done in the first miscarriage. This place felt familiar, and I allowed what I heard in the natural and the outcome of the past to tell me that this situation’s outcome was the same.

Two days went by and the miscarriage confirmation appointment was still 4 days away. On Sunday morning during worship, I knelt on the church floor, tears flowing, asking Jesus to shepherd me through this hurt…again. He was faithful the first time, and I knew He would lead me again. Suddenly, a voice boomed into my spirit and I heard Him say to me:

“Put off your grief and believe for a miracle.”

I was stunned. I hadn’t even paused after that last appointment to ask if He was calling me to this again. Honestly, it felt like a huge risk. “What if I do this again and the outcome is the same as the first time?” Choosing faith in the face of what circumstances shout pushes takes courage and it pushes our roots more deeply into Jesus.  We are sons and daughters of God, and the Spirit of God leads us to have the mind of Christ (Romans 8:14 & 1 Corinthians 2:16). The mind of Christ is established in perfect faith and that is what He was calling me higher into.  I couldn’t deny what I heard Him say, and one of my life’s core values is “Yes to Jesus at any cost.” He will always have my “yes”, and in this situation, that “yes” felt like laying my heart and my womb out on the floor in vulnerability and faith.  Jesus is worthy and trustworthy.  I stood up from the floor and declared “Father I’m asking for a miracle.  I speak life over this pregnancy in Jesus name…” The next song the worship team moved in to that morning after Father asked me to believe for a miracle was the exact song I’d sung aloud in my bathroom over a year ago, the morning we were going to have our first miscarriage confirmed. The song was "Miracles” by Jesus Culture. It says this:

“The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins…

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles”

It was a kiss from Father reminding me He was with me in this, He saw my heart, He knew where I’d been and He knew where He was taking me. So I shifted my heart, and I stood in faith. Let there be life.

Over the next few days I felt a swelling of faith in my heart that felt supernatural. I soared above the level of faith I had previously and I was 100% confident that we were walking in the midst of a miracle. There was going to be life when I went back to that doctor’s office. It didn’t feel like hope, it had moved beyond that to fullness of faith – it was good as done in my heart. We’d let a few close friends know and they pressed in and prayed with us, believing for life. I arrived back at the doctor’s office, 6 days after we’d received the initial news, and I prayed on the way in “Jesus, I love you. I trust you. You are good. You are my Great Physician. You are my confidence and joy, no matter what the outcome of this appointment is.”

I went into the waiting room and was escorted back for the ultrasound. I stared at the ultrasound screen for what felt like ages. They measured, probed, searched and finally said definitively: there was no growth and the pregnancy was "not viable". My heart sank and pounded all at once. I could feel sadness attempting to crash in, but something was different. It didn’t feel like the wind had been knocked out of me like the first time. There was heartache, but in the middle of the sadness I felt a confident peace that was anchoring me.  I felt this tremendous sense of how proud Father was of my obedience to vulnerably choose to believe for that miracle no matter what– it was enough to undo me. I tangibly felt His pleasure pouring over me because I had given Him my “yes” when He called me to faith when it felt like huge risk. That faith was rooted completely in who He is, not any of what I saw.

Over the following few months, Jesus proved again what a truely Great Shepherd He is.  He knows exactly how to lead us through grief in a healthy way that doesn’t leave us stuck in it or coming out with scars.  I kept my hand on Jesus and my ears open to His voice and He led me when I couldn’t see where to step. There were several times in the process where I felt angry and confused. Why did He call me to put off my grief and believe for a miracle when He knew what the outcome was? That felt cruel. Why couldn’t he have just let me begin to grieve the fist time we received the news if the outcome wasn’t going to change? What was the point?  I asked lots of questions, but answers weren’t what I truly needed.  Answers & understanding are often what I grasp for when I want to feel some sense of control. He reminded me on those days where I wanted to have understanding to widen my lens and see beyond just the natural circumstance.  In the natural, I did miscarry again, but the miraculous was evidenced in my spirit and heart: unshakeable and unwavering faith in who my Father is to me when my heart was most vulnerable and the circumstances around me shouted He hadn’t come through. When I zoomed out and stopped only viewing my circumstance through the lens of the breakthrough I wanted, I saw that breakthrough HAD happened. When I took down the lens of desiring a child and put on the lens of desiring Christ to be made manifest in me, I could see the breakthrough and it was beautiful.

I share this because I know some of you are going through your own hard seaons of believing for breakthrough and waiting.  I want to encourage all of us in those seasons that we can walk into those fires and come out more like Jesus. That is our inheritance!  We are over-comers, never victims. Fires don’t destroy us, they refine us into more of the image of Jesus. Look at Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego. Their story is a beautiful example of what going through trials should look like for us. We’re never promised a life free from fire, in fact trials are a guarantee. Our promise is that we can go through those fires and come out with out even the smell of smoke. (Daniel 3:16-30) As they were being escorted right into the furnace, they declared “Our God is able to save us and we believe He will, but even if He doesn’t, we still worship Him.” (Madison paraphrase). When we see a trial approaching, no matter how many times we've seen it before, this is the posture we’re called to have our hearts in – our faith in Jesus is never determined by the outcome of a circumstance. They marched forward, and the Lord did not deliver them from the fire. They were thrown right into the belly of the blazing furnace and that is where they encountered their miracle. The Lord himself met them in the fire. He came into the trial with them and He walked with them in it. His presence enabled them to thrive in the fire. They didn’t get to skip the furnace, but He brought them through it untouched by flames. When they came out, their clothes weren’t burned and not one hair on their heads was singed. That is our testimony to the world. We walk through fires with Jesus, and we can come out with no sign of flames. That is a bigger testimony to the goodness & power of Jesus than if we’d just skipped the fire in the first place. When the world sees the goodness of Jesus in the fire, they can respond the way Nebuchadnezzar did: “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego…” We can thrive in the fire because we find Him there and His presence transforms us in it. We emerge from what the world would say is unbearable not even smelling like smoke (bitterness, anger, cynicism, walls up, guarded hearts, etc) because we have taken on the fragrance of Christ. We allow the flames to push us into more of Him. That is good news, friends, and it is your reality in The Kingdom. For those of us in the middle of fires, you are seen and not abandoned. He is walking with you. Invite Jesus to meet you there not for the sake of only natural breakthrough but for the sake of bearing His image. That is what laying down our lives looks like. Adjust your lens to see the miracle He is doing beyond the breakthrough you’re longing for. Keep believing and longing for the it, but don’t miss the treasure of His presence in the process. The presence is what makes us more like Him, and that is our greatest breakthrough. You are a living testimony to the world as you walk through your fire and are not burned to death but are burned to life! I’m praying for all of us to be taken even higher into this perspective and that our minds are continually renewed to walk with Jesus in the flames. Love you guys. “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.”

IAW Post 3: 7 Reasons to take heart

I missed my post for national infertility awareness week yesterday - Wednesdays are long days for us because we go straight from work to leading youth group in the evenings. I was pooped when we got home yesterday so I’m combining day 3 and 4 into one post today. Instead of just doubling up with two things that have brought me encouragement and hope in my journey through a barren season, I’m going to share SEVEN. Yep, that’s right. I’ve got seven testimonies that have been a huge source of encouragement to me in the last two years. If you aren’t familiar with them, I hope they encourage you to keep pressing in for your breakthrough.

Last Summer the Lord told me to study the barren women in scripture and to take heart from their journeys. He always invites us into immeasurably more than we could expect but I had no idea what I was about to find. As I dove into scripture I began to find woman after woman who had lived in barrenness and received not only breakthrough, but breakthroughs that made history. There are seven women named in scripture who were barren and who cried out to the Lord. He heard every one of their cries and He answered them. Their names are Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth and two more who were unnamed. Do you recognize them? Maybe you’ll recognize them with their miracle baby’s names:

1. Sarah was the wife of Abraham, they birthed Isaac (Genesis 11:30)
2. Rebekah was the wife of Isaac, they birthed Jacob (Genesis 25:21, Judges 13:3)
3. Rachel was the wife of Jacob, they birthed Joseph (Gen 30:22)
4. Hannah was the wife of Elkanah, they birthed Samuel the prophet (1 Samuel 1 and 2)
5. Elizabeth was the wife of Zechariah, they birthed John the Baptist (Luke 1:17)
6. Sampson’s mother birthed him out of barrenness (Judges 13:2)
7. The Shunamite woman who Elisha prayed over birthed a miracle son (2 Kings 4:16-17)

Just pause and look at that list again. The forefathers of our faith were birthed from barren mamas who didn’t give up in their pursuit of a miracle and they received breakthrough! Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, then Samuel, Sampson, and John the Baptist were all sons of women who have walked the journey of barrenness that many of us are walking now. Each of these women were grieved by their barrenness and they cried out to God for His touch and didn’t give up. I don’t know why some breakthroughs come faster than others, but we can’t loose heart in the waiting. You have a child with a destiny that is coming to you- whether by natural conception or adoption. Don’t let your heart give up. Be encouraged by these women and the mighty men they birthed. World changers come from barren seasons – scripture shows it.

The Lord is no respecter of persons. What He will do for one, He will do for you. The word testimony literally means “do it again”. When we read the stories of these women in scripture and receive them as testimonies for our hearts to grab hold of and be encouraged by, we are literally saying “DO IT AGAIN” to the Lord…and He will. He is drawn to that faith! Declare truth over your heart and know He hears you.

“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!” – Psalm 113:9

Praise Him in the waiting. Prepare the way for your breakthrough by keeping your heart rooted in the truth: He has not forgotten you, He loves you tremendously, and He is El Hanne’eman – The Faithful God. I’m praying for all of our hearts as we wait for our miracle babies. An army of world changers is coming from our wombs. Believe that, take heart, and let His presence sustain you in your waiting.