The best treasure is in the desert

Hey Friends!  I’ve had some things rumbling in my heart since my last post and I wanted to share some of them with you.  If you read my last post, you’ll notice a theme there that I’m continuing in this post:  journeying through the wilderness.  My last post was on the weapon that hope is in wilderness seasons.  It cuts the head off of depression & anxiety.  When we choose hope over what our circumstances are shouting, it cripples the enemy’s attempts to pull us into a pit of despair.  When we place all of our hope in Jesus, The Hope of Nations, it is in a safe and secure place that will never let us down.  The enemy can do his worst and we can still be found “having this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.” (Heb 6:19)

This year of journeying through a new kind of wilderness has done things for me that I never imagined it would.  I began this year seeing it as a season to “make it through”.  Zach and I saw the situations we were facing and we were confident that the Lord was working to bring us through them.  We’d lost a pregnancy & a child, a job, a car and what felt like direction in life all within a few months of each other and that was how 2017 started.  It continued with almost laughable hurdles happening that we were trying to let shape us and push us deeper into Jesus.  I was focused on getting to the end of the “hard stuff” & doing it well.  I wanted to walk through this season with steadfastness. I wanted to give that to Jesus because He is worthy.  In the good intention of wanting to “walk well” in this season, I sometimes failed to walk in mindfulness of the fact that He is never impressed with our own measure of strength J He is most pleased by the strength we learn to draw from Him.  You’ll never be able to persevere as well with grit as you will with love.  When we’re in love, we are constantly reminded that it is our lover’s delight to give us His strength.  Love is what protects us from exhaustion that comes from relying on our own strength.  As we walked forward, I never doubted who He was- a good, faithful, loving Father, but I began to realize that His timeline for breakthrough was proving to be very different from my expectation.  I was confused by the unchanging scenery of our season after month over month of obedience, perseverance, & submission to what He wanted to do through this season. 

Previously in this season when my heart had been tempted to ask “Why”, I’d been able to throw the question out by reminding myself that it wasn’t a fruitful question to ask.  It rarely leads to life.  I’d been able to dismiss it because it didn’t matter why, all that mattered was that we were obedient to His leading in this season and that this season would be behind us soon, right??  Well, nine months in to this journey and still no sight of change, I began, again, to catch myself wondering “Why is this still happening?” “Why are we still walking through this season?”  The desire to ask “why” felt different this time and I realized something.  The previous times that my heart was tempted to ask “why” I’d been able to dismiss it because I was assuming the end of the wilderness was near according to my definition of “near”.  This time, I had realized the nearness of the end of this season may not match my expectation of what “near” means.  That is when the “why” wanted to return but I wouldn’t let myself ask it.  I thought “If I ask, that would mean I wasn’t trusting fully.  It would mean I wasn’t steadfast.  Weren’t we past my wanting to ask ‘why’?  If I asked, it would mean I wasn’t doing this season right.”  I didn’t realize that me ignoring that question was actually withholding some of what Father wanted to give me in this season.

A night came in October where I just couldn’t keep the question in any more.  Hiding the question in hopes that it will go away is not the same as it not being there (I think that’s called “denial”? ).  A part of our journey this year has been not being able to conceive again after we miscarried last Christmas.  We were and still are sure Father is going to redeem that loss but we thought it would be quick (by our definition).  A year later we still had not conceived and had no answers as to why.  Any of you courageous women who have journeyed through a season of barrenness, miscarriage or infertility know the ups & downs that walk can hold.  It has refined my heart in a way I never knew it would nor ever expected I’d go through.  (Note: I call it a “season” intentionally and I will never use it as a label.  It does not define you.  You will never hear me call myself “barren” or “infertile” because that is not what my Father calls me.  Its not what He calls you either.  We were fearfully & wonderfully made in His image and his image does not contain any barrenness.)  It is so humbling to not be able to control your own body and get it to do what you want it to do when it seems like so many others easily are.  It has rid me of pride in a whole new way.  This past October, I was sure I was pregnant (you think that every month when you’re hoping to conceive but this time we REALLY felt it.)  Our hope & faith felt higher than ever that this was the time of redemption of loss.  I had several symptoms of pregnancy and we had heard/experienced several things that we thought was the Lord confirming it.  We thought even the holiday season that we miscarried in last year was being redeemed with conception for the holidays this year.  I thought this part of the wilderness was ending.  We found out later in October that we were not pregnant and I was left with a choice again: what was my response?  It was another breaking moment for me and it was when I let the “Why” out that had been peeking around a corner of my heart.   I took my disappointment and my “WHY?” to Jesus and laid them all out at his feet.  I knew I shouldn’t want to ask, but it was there and I wanted to get it out.  There I was again broken & laid down at his feet.  All the “Why” stuff just came flooding out with tears.  “What is your purpose in this season lasting so long?  Are we totally missing something?  Is there something in me/my heart that’s preventing my healing?  Are we not hearing you correctly in how we’ve sought to be obedient?...”  You name it, it probably came out of my mouth that night.  And, you guessed it, wonderful Jesus met me right there on the floor in a puddle of tears again.  He came to me and pulled me from the floor to His chest.  He wanted me to take comfort in touching Him, not just being in front of Him.  That floor became a tabernacle – a place of meeting with my King.  He will establish a tabernacle anywhere we are desperate for Him.

With every “Why, How, What?” I let out, I felt His presence fall until I was completely enveloped in the arms of the person of Jesus.  When His presence came, when my floor became the Holy of Holies, the desire to ask “Why” completely disappeared.  When I thought I wanted understanding, He knew what I needed was His presence.  That is life with him.  I don’t ever need to understand.  This fact that I knew in my head prior to that night, I now accepted more deeply in my heart.  When I was in His arms on the floor, snot dripping out of my nose, mascara all over creation, I saw that my desire for understanding had been rooted in a place of frustration at this season.  Frustration was hiding in my heart disguised as a question: “WHY?”  When I let go of my frustration, I could let go of my need to understand.  I’d fallen down on the floor with a heart of a servant girl hungry for understanding, and I rose from that same floor with the heart of a bride in love with her bridegroom and with her gazed locked onto His again.  No matter if this season lasted years, it didn’t matter.  The “why” never feels important when you’re in the presence.  The presence is the reward, weather you’re in the dessert or the promised land. 

When you’re in love, all you want is to be in the presence off the one you love.  It doesn’t matter what you’re walking through if they’re with you.  A wilderness transforms into a land of treasure when it is a place that you find Him.  It begins to look a lot more like a Promised Land than a desert when you realize how deeply you can have Him there.  He’s proven that to me over & over again this year.  When we get our eyes off the dryness of the desert and put them on Him, we see the most priceless treasure waiting for us in the sand of the wilderness.  It is uncovered by intimacy & obedience.  What if a Promised Land isn’t actually a destination at all?  What if it is a heart position, and we can have it in any season when we stay rooted in love?  He is the treasure in the dessert and I’ll stay as long as I find Him here.  I’m in my Promised Land.  One of the verses that has become a life verse for me this year is Song of Solomon 8:5 and it is what I want to share with you.  It is a picture of the treasure of the wilderness.  The Friends in Song of Solomon are looking at the Beloved & his Lover coming towards them together and they are taken back by the sight of them.  They say this:

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?”

Can you picture it?  The wilderness is a tabernacle, a tent of meeting.  The wilderness is where intimacy is found.  Its where we learn to lean fully on our beloved.  I want this to be the banner over me for all of my life.  I can be more than content in the desert, I can THRIVE here.  I’ve found the joy and its in His presence alone.  If any of you are in a place of wilderness yourself, this is my prayer for you too.  You are in such a special place to meet Him.  I know it can feel painful and tiring, I’m not denying that, but turn your gaze to Him and behold your treasure!  When you behold Him in the desert you will feel yourself move from surviving to THRIVING.  You CAN thrive in the dessert.  It doesn’t have to be a season to “make it through”.  When we turn our eyes to Him in the wilderness, we see supernatural springs of refreshing He’s had for us all along.  We see the table set before us there with the bread of life to feast on.  When we behold Him in the desert, he turns mourning into joy of intimacy.  We lean on Him and He carries us.  I can say this now and mean it with all of my heart: it has truly been His goodness that has allowed me to stay in this wilderness so I could find the treasure that He hid for me here – more of Himself.  It is His goodness that has led me and sustained me here.  He didn’t pull me out early even when I cried for it because He knew when it was over, I’d look back and say “Did I get all of you that I could have had in that season?”  He knew my heart’s greatest desire would be Him, and He didn’t want me to miss any of the intimacy hidden for me there.  He is so good.  He is so kind.  He is faithful to turn wilderness into tabernacle.  He knows our hearts are always changed by His presence and when our hearts are changed, nothing looks like wilderness anymore.  You see love everywhere.  You see Him everywhere. 

This song came on while I was finishing this post J This was the song that Zach & I had our first dance to at our wedding.  I felt the Lord dancing with us on that day, and every time I hear it I still feel Him dancing with me.  I wanted to share it with you and invite you to dance with Him as you listen.  If you’re in a wilderness season, let the dance move your gaze to His.  You can’t dance with someone with out being in their arms, so dance and let Him hold you.  Behold your treasure and feel Him move you.  You’ll never see the wilderness the same.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFfw6OSbUwE

PS:  Ladies, if any of you read this and are walking through a season of barrenness, infertility treatments, miscarriage or the road to adoption I want to invite you to one of the gifts the Lord led me to this year.  He introduced me to a group of women called “The Garden”.  It is an amazing community of women who are journeying through the seasons that I mentioned above.  We come together and keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and his goodness.  We champion each other to stay rooted in his faithfulness and goodness in seasons that seem to shout the opposite.  If your heart could use encouragement in your journey, we would love to have you come join us.  Here is a link where you can learn more.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/109594042958129/

Hope: A weapon in the desert

I have been trying to get a post out for a few weeks now but I kept struggling to figure out how to say everything that has been in my heart.  I've realized there is no way to make that happen in one post so I'm going to try share over several posts (hopefully I'll get them out by Christmas!).  Today, I want to share about how the Lord has burned the word "hope" into me over the last few months.  I hope that it can encourage anyone who might need to see the power that it holds.  It is a mighty weapon that I didn’t realize the strength of until Father showed it to me.  Hope helps bring down mental strong holds; it helps protect against lies from the enemy;  it pushes us to align our perspective with heaven’s;  it stomps out anxiety; it is fertile soil where faith can grow.  If you're journeying through any thing that feels like a wilderness, I hope this post encourages your heart :)

Zach and I walked into a lot of unexpected things at the beginning of this year.  You could call it a wilderness season.  We felt a little like Abraham, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” (Heb 11:8)  We started out the year walking in the direction of the Lords voice, but having no idea where it was taking us.  I found myself at the end of myself multiple times over the first 6 months of 2017 (I didn’t know it was possible to get to the end of yourself so repeatedly in such a short period of time. ::humbling::).  I would reach a place where I felt like I had nothing left in me and Father would remind me again and again that it’s never my own strength he wants me to walk in, in any area of my life.  Often times we don’t see all the ways we’re relying on our own strength until new circumstances put that strength to the test and it is found lacking.  When I found myself in those places of refining, that’s where Lord would come in His goodness and fill me up with Himself to keep going.

By May, I could tell I'd started to let the wilderness affect my heart.  I was hot, the air felt dry, and my heart was thirsty.  I started to feel my heart begin to become guarded against expecting our circumstances to change in certain areas.  I’d been declaring, expecting, hoping for victory to manifest in several areas of our life but I had grown tired in this wilderness.  As the months passed and things seemed to actually be going backwards, I started to lose the zeal in my expectancy and my heart began to settle into places of wilderness.  The enemy began to up-the-anti on the attacks on my mind, not with outrageous lies, but with subtle compromises in my hopes.  “Maybe this really is how our life is going to always be.  Maybe things aren’t going to improve.”  I’m not going to go into the specifics of all this attack affected but I will say it touched every hope I had for my future as a wife, a mother, a daughter of the King, and it attacked my hopes for my husband & our family’s destiny.  My hope began to wane and I began to wonder if  the desert was going to be  my home.  I began to settle in the wilderness.

There was a day at the beginning of June when I was spending time with the Lord and in tears, I was asking “what to I do with this place?”  I could feel the wall up in my heart when I asked the question.  To be completely honest, it felt like I was asking the ceiling that question as much as I was asking Father.  Despite where my heart was, in His grace and kindness He answered me.  He spoke into my spirit as clearly as if He were seated on the floor with me in the flesh and he said “Madison, I want you to be brave enough to hope”.  His response stunned me.  It wasn't what I was expecting to hear at all.  I was expecting something like "Persevere, don't give up, be steadfast..."  Instead, He called me to hope.  In that word, He showed me that I’d been settling in the wilderness because I’d grown afraid to keep hoping.  At once, my eyes were opened to see what my heart was lacking and I found myself with a new weapon for the desert:  the weapon of hope.

I immediately responded to His word and grabbed onto the weapon he had extended to me.  Yes, I will be courageous enough to hope.  Those of you who are in the wilderness know: it can truly feel like it takes courage to declare hope when everything around you seems to be telling you you’re never getting out of the dessert.  There is power in agreement, especially when you're agreeing with the Father himself, and as soon as I agreed with His word I felt it completely dismantle the wall that had started to go up in my heart.  Hope flowed out like a stream in the desert.  I started to meditate on every promise of hope in the scripture.  Here are just a few:

• "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Is 40:31  We can walk in the dessert and not faint because of hope!

• "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Ps 130:5.  The word of the Lord is a trust worthy place for our hope.

• “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful…Therefore do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere for when you have done the will of God you will receive what he has promised.”  Heb 10: 23, 35-36.  We can hope unswervingly because He who promises is faithful!

• “Faith is the substance of things hoped for and certainty of things unseen.” Heb 11:1.   Hope often precedes faith.  Things hoped for make rich soil for faith to grow in.

I started to press into hope like I never had before.  I felt the Lord pouring out supernatural measures of hope as I pressed into it.  It wasn’t something I had to conjure up in myself.  It was more like I was drinking it in and letting it quench my heart.  It revived me.  This weapon destroyed any perspectives that had started to form in me that weren’t from heaven.  It protected me from the enemy’s lies.  It eradicated anxious thinking.  I started a word study on “hope” and I learned that in the Old Testament, the common Hebrew word that we translate as "hope" is "Yachal" meaning "to wait patiently".  In the New Testament, the Greek word that we translate as "hope" is "Elpis/Elpiso" meaning "to have confident expectation of good; to trust". The same English word came from two very different original connotations.  Before Jesus, one's "hope" was in waiting on God to speak or move on your behalf but people didn't have the confident expectation of good yet because they didn't have intimacy with Him.  When Jesus came, he added confidence and goodness to our "waiting" by opening the door to intimacy with Him and the kingdom. Hope/waiting became something exciting! Through Jesus, hope became more than just wishing and waiting to see what happens. It became a confident expectation that good is on its way because we know Him and his heart towards us. It is directly connected to intimacy. It still involves waiting, but there is an expectation of goodness that we now have.  How wonderful is Jesus?!  I have felt a new empowerment in the desert as I’ve continued to wield my weapon of hope.

I feel like some of you reading this are in the very place I was in in May.  You have been journeying through your own season of wilderness contending, hoping, praying and standing strong in faith but nothing seems to be happening.  All you see is desert on the horizon.  I want to encourage you, fix your eyes on the Faithful One and move them off of the terrain of the wilderness.  Do not begin to settle there.  We cannot fall into the trap of beginning to call the desert our home.  It is not and will never be our home!  We will journey through wildernesses but they are never our promised land.  We must not forget that.  The enemy would love to convince you that the wilderness is your home and therefore get you to start believing that Father’s plans for you just aren’t as good as you thought they were.  If he can get you to believe that and doubt God’s goodness, it can cause you to build a home in the wilderness and stop pressing forward to your promised land.  Don’t you dare fall for that.  You are a daughter (or son) of the King of Kings.  You know who your Father is, you know his love for you is fierce, and all of his promises are true.  Never view the wilderness as your home.  It was never intended to be your place of residence, only a place of refining.  Keep your eyes fixed on the lover of your soul and be confident of his faithfulness in the wilderness.  He is worthy of our confidence and hope in the dessert.

Be brave enough to hope again, even when promises seem postponed over and over.  Take up your weapon of hope and feel your faith growing as you wield it.  (“Faith is the EVIDENCE of things hoped for…” Hope often  precedes faith!)  We have to make sure that our hope is deeply rooted in Jesus himself, not in just what we want to receive from Him.  As I heard a sweet friend say recently "We must want the Giver more than we want the gift."  Our hope isn't in receiving a blessing, or even in the fulfillment of promises.  It's in Him, the person of Jesus.  When we put our hope in anything other than fully in Him, we open ourselves up to the possibility of growing weary in the wilderness.  When we put our hope confidently in Him, we have the promise that we will soar even when desires seem unfulfilled.  He is more concerned with our heart than our comfort.  Even if the fulfillment of a promise feels deferred again and again, he sustains through his presence. He is good.  He is always faithful.  We have this hope as an anchor for our soul; firm and secure.  Take up your weapon and thrive in your wilderness.  You will thrive in the desert when your hope is in Him and it will steady your feet as you near your promised land.

Happy Mothers Day - to mamas who are only touching motherhood with their hearts

Today was Mother's Day - a day for mamas everywhere to be honored, celebrated, appreciated and loved on in special ways. I'd felt a little apprehension in my heart this week as this day approached but I pushed it to the side hoping it was a fleeting feeling.  Sunday came and when I woke up, there it was-my heart being tempted to feel empty today. The grief of losing our baby last December surfaced and it wanted me to feel like there was a hole in my heart and to fix my eyes on it.  I wanted to be able to fully celebrate all the mamas in my life but every time I started to celebrate Mother's Day for someone, I felt like I was choking back tears. Through out the weekend, well-meaning people who didn't know me or my experiences kindly wished me a "happy Mother's Day weekend if you're a mom".  Knowing their sweet intentions, I smiled and thanked them but it would make my heart skip a beat.  I was trying to refuse anything in my heart that would keep me from celebrating other mamas, but it took some strength to muster "Happy Mothers Day" with a smile. 

I knew this wasn't where my heart needed to be or stay but I also knew I couldn't just sweep it under the rug. Grief is so good and healthy to walk through but I know that I can't fix my eyes on what I lost.  I have to keep them fixed on the One who is my hope.  I had a choice when I woke up this morning.  I could try to push my grief aside, unattended to, or I could look at it straight on and receive another opportunity to have my heart be filled to a new measure with Jesus and his goodness. He is my hope. He is the filler of empty places. When we move our eyes from what we've lost and fix them on his face, His peace and presence rushes in to fill every crevice that sadness tried to occupy.  Sometimes we can wear grief around almost like a trophy, clinging to it and even beginning to put identity into it, but we're not intended to be labeled by our losses.  We are labeled by Jesus' blood and we can walk in every provision that it released to us in every circumstance- peace that passes understanding,  joy of his presence and faith in knowing with all of our hearts that He is so good and His love for us endures forever.

I want to encourage every mama who has a child that she's not able to hold this Mother's Day (from miscarriage or any form of loss); to every mama waiting and hoping for a pregnancy to grow to full term and bring life into this world - you are seen, you are incredibly loved, and you are not alone.  If you're tempted to fix your eyes on a loss today, it is ok to feel that grief. Don't stifle it, don't deny it, but don't lay down in it. Look at it, acknowledge it and then turn your eyes to Jesus. "Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth (yes, even grief) will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." He's been with you in every step, he has grieved with you, He loves you even more fiercely than you love that life that you lost (sometimes hard to imagine!), and He calls you "Mother". You carry the name even if you have a child in your heart that you're not able to hold in your arms.  He is beckoning you to deeper levels of hope and joy in his presence as you allow him to kiss that hurting place in your heart.  He will "comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. You will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬) You are an oak of righteousness - you are a display of his splendor to the world. As you show the world what it is to take heart in Jesus in the midst of loss and grief, His name is lifted high in your life.  You are saying "my Jesus is King above EVERY other name, including grief and death."  What way to redeem a sadness.  I'm with you today in my heart and spirit, lifting high the name of Jesus over all loss. To my sisters who are waiting to touch motherhood with your hands and not just your heart - I love you and Im praying that today you feel the hope of Jesus fill you to overflowing as you look right into his eyes of love for you.

And to all my mama-sisters who are holding, soothing, training, teaching, and raising your babies...happy Mothers Day to you!  You are amazing and well deserving of celebration and honor today and everyday. I'm thankful for your faithful stewardship of a new generation to release into this world!